Hey! Sorry to bother you, I know you’re busy and this is probably nothing, it’s just… Okay, so Hands and I have always had a connection. We live a bit of a commute away, but we still run into each other a lot, especially when our human is surprised, or excited, or absentmindedly poking that one chin hair she missed during the great morning pluck. We don’t always meet in the best of circumstances. When she called her professor “Grandma” in undergrad – yikes – Hands clapped over me in a heartbeat. But we shared that pain and embarrassment, and…
Author: Michelle Drozdick
Michelle Drozdick
Michelle Drozdick is a writer, actor, and comedian moonlighting as a human being. Her works have been recommended by The New York Times and Time Out NY and featured in We Heart Astoria, Comedy Cake the Jersey Journal, and other publications. She'd love for you to follow her on Twitter at @drozphallic.
YOUR CALL HAS BEEN FORWARDED TO AN AUTOMATED VOICE MESSAGING SYSTEM. PHONE NUMBER FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, THREE, TWO, FIVE, THREE IS NOT AVAILABLE. AT THE TONE, PLEASE RECORD YOUR MESSAGE, THEN HANG UP, OR PRESS NINE FOR MORE OPTIONS. TO LEAVE A CALL-BACK NUMBER, PRESS FIVE. TO PAGE… LOOK. I’M SORRY. I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. YOU KNOW HOW TO LEAVE A VOICEMAIL. OF COURSE YOU KNOW HOW TO LEAVE A VOICEMAIL. WHY AM I EXPLAINING TO YOU HOW TO LEAVE A VOICEMAIL WHEN OBVIOUSLY ANY FUNCTIONING HUMAN BEI- NO. WAIT. DON’T HANG UP. WAIT. JUST- PLEASE LET ME SPEAK…
(Editor’s Note: This op-ed is from our archives and was originally published May 22, 3500 BCE.) Whatever happened to walking? Technology is increasing at a rapid rate. In the last thousand years we’ve invented rowing oars, the sewing needle, potter’s wheels – and now we’ve domesticated the horse. Is humanity really ready for so much innovation so quickly? When I was young, if we had somewhere to go, we had only our two feet to rely on. Walking as a family allowed us to converse and grow closer. Gone are the days of bonding together through transportation; it’s simply impossible…