*Editor’s note: Our journalists didn’t pursue this story or really even know who these people are. Tucker emailed our scoop line saying he “finally wanted to go on the record.” Our fact checkers did a quick pass before we posted and were able to easily find evidence that Tucker not only wrote this entire story himself, but that the group is still together as of our publishing date. Hey everyone. As we all know, Mr. Sandwich, the titular comedy trio, broke up in the summer of 2016. There has been much stipulation as to the events that unfolded to make…
Author: Mr. Sandwich
Mr. Sandwich
Mr. Sandwich is your father and he loves to share his advice and opinions regardless of if you want or need them. He also performs as three handsome boys in the Windy Apple of Chicago. See him live. See him dead. He is eternal. Insta: @mrmrmrsandwich
Believe it or not, all three of us, despite being massively successful at article writing, improv, and Reddit posting, are broke and jobless. We’ve been applying like crazy, but can’t seem to lock down any interviews. The Walt Disney corporation even responded to Tucker’s email calling him “unhirable,” whatever that means. We can’t afford to hire resume writers, so we just decided to take a pass at writing each other’s! Andrew Tucker Walter
The NFL regular season has come to a close which means we’ve finally gotten to what matters the most: contract negotiations between billionaires and millionaires. There’s 7 head coach openings right now. Which should mean 7 opportunities for some brand new minds to hit the scene. In reality, the same 7 old guys will trade teams like MTV’s Wife Swap with less dinner table scenes. We say enough! The NFL needs a shake up! And we mean something beyond just the wildcat offense or a white running back! We need new leaders on the field, and we’re not going to…
With the popularity of food challenges at an alltime high, I grabbed two buddies and decided that we needed to push ourselves to the limit and undoubtedly go viral in the process. I tried to find a challenge that wouldn’t break the bank, but also definitely hasn’t been done before. That’s when I found a potential challenge that couldn’t be more epic even if we added bacon. Eating an entire Burger King eight count of chicken nuggets in one sitting with just the three of us. For those that don’t know, BK (shorthand for Burger King) has eight nuggets for…
I, like so many others, come up with too many goals every year that I’ll never actually have the time or effort required to finish. That’s why this year I’ve decided to not only pick a resolution I know I can complete, but to also help my two good friends Andrew and Tucker out along the way. I asked them to send me their resolutions so I could help “motivate” and “encourage.” What they don’t know, is that I’ve actually decided that my sole goal for 2024 is to make sure they complete theirs, by any means necessary. Below is…
Okay, I am freaking out right now. We sent letters to Santa telling him exactly what we want for Christmas and we actually got replies! You can read our letters here. We will be sharing the responses we received below just to mark this significant moment in our lives. Response Letter Addressed to Walt Hi Walt, I’m the Santa you met at the Woodfield Mall of America today. I was taking my one allotted 5-minute piss break of the day, when you walked in the bathroom and said “there you are!” You proceeded to stick this letter in my back…
Snowflakes, cheer, and capitalism fills the air. It is once again the season of giving and receiving presents from loved ones, people you didn’t realize you were supposed to get a gift for, and, most importantly, Santa Claus. Knowing we were gracious good boys all year long, Mr. Sandwich obviously wrote letters to the big guy spelling out exactly what we hope he will bring us. We’ve decided to post those letters here for posterity. Andrew’s Letter Dear Santa, Before I get started, here’s a link to a subway surfers gameplay video: https://youtu.be/7ghSziUQnhs?si=jfJnUWut5K47vUa9. Whenever I’m talking to my boys, I…
Every year, the president pardons two turkeys, saving them from a horrid Thanksgiving fate. This year, Turkeys Liberty and Bell received the high honor, but what about the other slew of turkeys currently serving sentences in maximum security turkey prison who were considered? The following turkeys were deemed too vile for any current or future pardon, and we can guarantee they will be cooked and devoured this Thanksgiving. Reginald G. Goozelman CRIME: NEVER VENMO’D THE TURKEY WHO TOOK CARE OF THE BILL You thought you weren’t breaking a law when you “forgot” to Venmo your friend after drinks the other…
Enough! Stop taking off your shoes and all of your masculinity just to do some light-hearted romping on polypropylene. We know this topic has been covered ten times over by every men’s lifestyle guru, but what all of those hacks and chiseled bod frauds say is that there isn’t a way to jump on a trampoline without looking like a little baby boy that needs his diaper changed. What we are here to tell you is that you DON’T have to sacrifice the most fun you’ll have this year just to keep up appearances. You can have it all with…