Author: Nick Brigis

I’ve been in the genie game for quite some time, and I can tell you that what’s happening with Pete Davidson is special. A number of years ago, I granted the young comedian an infatuation wish, and I know, without a doubt, it’s my greatest work. This spell is already being analyzed and studied in genie business schools across the country, and I have it on good authority that my wand and lamp will hang in the genie rafters before long. And perhaps the craziest part is that its effects are still very much working. The success of this wish…

Am I a joke to you, Bobby? Then why do you treat me like it? You’re an iron chef, I know you can handle me with more care than you show on every single episode of Beat Bobby Flay. Mic-dropping me to the floor as the competition timer expires is demeaning, juvenile, and, frankly, passé. You’re a modern chef Bobby – act like it. This is a long time coming and I hope you take my grievances seriously. I’m not just some token flourish, I’m essential to any meal. I am a garnish unlike any other. I come to work…

Credit: Eva Rinaldi “Dance all ya life there’s no end in sight” Live in the present, for who knows what tomorrow may bring. “Gun in my purse, bitch, I came dressed to kill” Accessories can be an important part of a successful outfit. “And I ain’t paying my rent this month I owe that” A balanced budget is a balanced mind. “And yes you’ll get slapped if you’re lookin’ hoe” Be conscious of how your actions could affect other people. “I’ma blow off my money and don’t give two shits, oh-oh” Financial success does not guarantee personal happiness. “Ain’t pushin’…

That sullen wench! Oh, what a harlot, a right old concubine. If word gets out at the country club… no, I shan’t even consider it. This would pale in comparison to the time I accidentally wore my tennis whites to last year’s junior polo tournament. I only recently stopped getting ribbed for that mortifying blunder. The idea that the woman who birthed me a short eight years ago would canoodle with this house-hopping tramp is disgusting. I am shaking in my Ferragamo loafers at her complete and utter treason. My father is a great man and a sterling example of…

Guys, I’m fine. We weren’t even that serious. I hope he’s happy, I really do. It’s not like I’m going to miss him breaking lamps to get my attention. Or raising the thermostat on me when I got cold at night… no. It’s over, and I’m FINE. It’s just… Halloween is next week. What kind of ghost just up and leaves a week before the spookiest night of the year? It’s not like it was our favorite holiday or anything. Whatever. I’m totally over that specter – I hope he and that bitch have a long and happy life together.…

I saw Hocus Pocus on TV today. It was nonchalant and without warning, as it always is. The pumpkin community knows this day well. A day of terror and dread. It is the official marker that the Purge has begun. I don’t know what it is about those witches, but it makes the two-leggers go crazy. One minute they’re playing in the sand, paying us no mind, and then next they’re wearing plaid and committing pumpkincide. A pumpkin does not spend a long time on this earth. We serve to decorate your tabletops and taste great in pies; we even…

Wow. Never thought I’d be writing this but here it goes. My name is Nick, and I have big dick energy. Well, not for too much longer I’m afraid. At least that’s what the doctors are telling me. Turns out big dick energy, or BDE, in rare cases, is fatal. This essay is me coming to terms with my affliction, and ultimately my demise. I’m taking responsibility for it. My autopsy will almost assuredly read “undiagnosed penial tumor,” but ego is the real cancer, and hubris caused my death. I could have sought help, I knew the damage I was…