All righty then America, lets do this. I was asked by every Presidential candidate to endorse their campaign but I told them that’s none of their damn business and to stay out of my personal affairs. If I don’t endorse you before the nominating convention…just wait longer. But now that Taylor Swift is with Harris-Walz, it’s time for me to make my pick. I’ve Got to Mister. But I’m going to warn you that once you get inside my head, there’s no turning back baby. Obviously I can’t endorse RFK Jr. He killed a bear cub and left the carcass in Central Park.…
Author: Noah Seligman
You may have noticed on social media recently a number of celebrity infused online fundraising events for Kamala Harris. Comics for Kamala, White Dudes for Kamala, White Women for Kamala, Black Women for Kamala, Hoops for Harris, and of course, Swifties for Harris. Well, maybe you’d be interested in some of MAGA Zoom call events we have lined up to raise needed legal defense campaign money for Donald Trump and JD Vance donut orders? This is a sampling of some of the exciting online cash grabs we have lined up for the run in to the 2024 election. Dictators: Of course Vladimir Putin and Bashar al-Assad be…
The first (only) debate of the 2024 election pitting Donald Trump versus Kamala Harris. Essentially Jabba the Hut vs Princess Leia but somehow more insulting to women. While doom scrolling the debate on social media, you also made time to Google a few questions. Here is your search history during the debate mostly from comments made by Donald Trump. Google Search History: How to move to Canada? Easy side dish recipes when serving cat your Haitian neighbor killed Does Project 2025 ban trick-or-treating? Can I get Milefstiprone, mifestpron, mifeprestine, abortion medication via mail in my state? How to move to Costa Rica? Could…
Democratic Presidential nominee and current Vice President Kamala Harris has picked Minnesota Governor, and guy who ope, is just gonna squeeze my cart by ya here in the Cub Foods aisle, Tim Walz as her running mate. The Harris-Walz Campaign wants you know these important facts about the man VP Harris has picked to be 2nd in line as Commander in Chief. The American people should keep these facts and this contrast with the Republican ticket in mind when casting their votes in 2024. Governor Walz served in the Minnesota Air National Guard for 24 years retiring as a master…
Well this isn’t fair at all. This is NOT what I had in mind. The Dark Side was so close to conquering the galaxy again. Now we have some new hotshot opponent standing in our way? I was right there to bring peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new Empire. All the stars and planets (the ones we hadn’t destroyed with the Death Star) were aligning for a sweeping victory for the Empire. We were certain we could beat that Obi Wan Kenobi. Or as I call him,”Sleepy Ben” or “Old Ben Kenobi.” A confused dementia patient who was too old and too…
Look I know its coming. You know its coming. Its just so predictable. The leftwing media is going to spin my past comment about how Donald Trump is America’s Hitler as something negative. Like I’m a shameless grifter who abandoned my core convictions to embrace a convenient vehicle to power and fame. What liberals won’t tell you is that I also said that Donald Trump is reprehensible, or an idiot, or unchristian, or cultural heroin. No, they’d rather just go right after Godwin’s Law and point out that I called Donald Trump – the man I am now running with…
July 4th was such a grand idea in the beginning. The birth of a new nation. You even penned a noble declaration of independence. A breakup worthy of some Taylor Swift lyrics. Such a soppy bit of prose. Star spangled elegance interlaced with every supercilious phrase. About dissolving the political bands from your sovereign and the consent of the governed? Life, liberty, and property, pursuit of happiness was it? How cute. Is that still the plan then? Call me crazy, but didn’t that tidy Declaration contain a lengthy list of specious accusations hurled my direction? Some key bullet points of your…
As the 33rd Governor of the great state of South Dakota I’ve been burnishing my credentials to be Donald Trump’s Vice Presidential nominee. Unfortunately, the media has been rabidly attacking me for murdering my 14-month-old dog Cricket. For some reason the story of me dragging a dog I was sick of to a gravel pit and shooting him between the eyes for the crime of being a dog has created some bad public relations. Since 1968 the Republican Party has been solely dedicated to the southern strategy. You know, the Nixon law-and-order stuff. Demonize, denigrate, and discriminate against anyone who doesn’t…
I am a political polling analyst. I survey the mind and feelings of the American voter. With stealth and cunning I capture the secrets and trumpet the future. An amalgamation of omniscience and omnipotence that renders God himself jealous. My charts, graphs, tables, and trends toy with your cognitive functions. I shall use that dominion over your tenuous mental equilibrium for my own amusement. You can’t help but gorge on the topline numbers. A tremulous review of my numerical snapshot confirming your deepest fears. He could win again. He will again. Or maybe he won’t. Either way you’ll click on…
Dear Prime Minister Trudeau and a second senior Canadian government official I cannot name and refuse to look up. I am writing as a concerned parent of two primary school children. Canadian schools are no longer safe. There is an epidemic lurking in the verdant forests. Slinking across the prairies. Creeping around the coasts. Canada is overdue on taking the simple common sense safety measures every other developed nation on earth has figured out. I am, as should be obvious, writing about coyotes near playgrounds. Did you know that coyotes attacks are now the number one cause of death for…