Turns out I was just drafting a press release with better punctuation. A few days ago, I sat down to write a satire about the rising cost of eggs. The premise was simple: the federal government, overwhelmed by eggflation and a “critical poultry labor shortage,” would suspend all springtime egg-based rituals. Easter egg hunts? Gone. The hard-boiled egg on the Passover seder plate? Replaced with a government-issued baby chick and an official Fifth Question: “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” I invented a fake agency—SMEED, the Seasonal Morality and Economic Efficiency Department—to justify it. It felt absurd, but…
Author: Otto Controle
Congratulations, citizens of America! You’ve just unboxed the all-new Democracy Lite™, the nation’s most streamlined, ahistorical, user-friendly approach to civic life. Designed in collaboration with no one from the former Department of Education, this upgraded model of our democracy prioritizes feeling good over knowing stuff – perfect for families who prefer their facts optional and their histories irrevocably sanitized. No more messy textbooks! No more uncomfortable truths! With Democracy Lite™, you’ll never have to explain slavery, systemic racism, or the concept of civil disobedience to your children again. Just look at these exciting new features: Redacted Curriculum™: Because kids should…
In the ever-evolving American bureaucracy, a seismic shift is underway. No longer are government workers gathering in crowded conference rooms under flickering fluorescent lights to ponder the latest directives from Washington. Now, they’re channeling their collective frustration in new venues: neighborhood bars and dispensaries. In Foggy Bottom watering holes, corner tables are being cordoned off for all-hands meetings. Employees of the EPA, DOJ, and USDA are escaping their cubicles toward the end of the day, and ordering another round of drinks at the local pub, streaming the latest nonsensical policy statements like some kind of absurd reality show. Welcome to…