Oh, here we go. Great. So you’ve been schlepping around Walmart and you spotted me. “Look, a bird!” you say, the most excited you’ve been in eleven years. Congratulations. You’ve probably told your significant other all about me by now and said something like, “How’s it gonna get out?!” Well, newsflash bonehead, I’m gonna fuckin’ die in here, and that’s that. No one’s coming to save me. There’s no magical Walton Family task force designed to track me down and lovingly set me free. They’re just gonna find me flopped on the floor in the dog food aisle in a…
Author: R.J. Kushner
R.J. Kushner
R.J. Kushner is a perspiring humor writer living in Wisconsin. He's been dubbed by The New York Times as "all out of free articles this month."
They said it couldn’t be done, but here I am: a man who had nothing nice to say and thus said nothing at all for 24 hours. My challenges began early in the historic day, as my morning Uber driver arrived without any gum or lollipops to offer, forcing me to just sit there in the backseat like an ass. Fortunately, it does not count as “saying something” to give a one-star Uber rating (in my defense, he also gave me a weird look in the rearview mirror when I laid down to rest my eyes). My next test in…