Author: Rémy Dambron

Hi friend! We are the latest coalition of candidates running to represent YOU in the United States Congress, and in just a few moments, we’re going to humbly ask you to contribute to our campaign. But first…we’re just sort of wondering —are you NOT GETTING OUR TEXTS??? Because if you aren’t, THIS is your LAST CHANCE to take advantage of this UNPRECEDENTED 10000% MATCH to ALL DONATIONS made in the NEXT 30 MINUTES! So HURRY, time is RUNNING OUT to make your $11 donation, because without your support we are DOOMED! HeLLO!?! Are you even listening? WHY AREN’T YOU RESPONDING!? …

I’ll start by thanking you for this unique opportunity to wield my influence over consumers by taking a few moments out of my chaotic day to provide you with valuable feedback on my recent experience with your business. I understand participants for this assessment are carefully chosen from a select group of upstanding citizens, and it would be my pleasure to share my unfiltered thoughts on how to improve your overall service and practices. Now, I can assure you that I definitely will not take advantage of this momentous occasion to go on some sort of bizarre power trip by publicly lashing…

Look, I know that it’s your constitutional right to keep and bear books, but let’s be real, script has taken a dramatic turn since 1776 and its radical evolution is having detrimental effects on our otherwise peaceful and undereducated society. That’s why I’m demanding that we re-evaluate the types of books we’re allowing our citizens to wield and immediately begin regulating all literature currently in circulation. That’s right, it’s time we think twice about the caliber of books we allow to be brandished freely on our streets, used liberally in our classrooms, and permissively concealed among our nation’s most committed…

There’s no denying that my generation is fully responsible for the proliferation of one of the greatest brunch items known to mankind: avocado toast. Take it from me, a childless Millennial in my mid-thirties: I know a thing or two about contemporary brunch favorites. In fact, if you stop and think about it, this groundbreaking work of culinary artistry miraculously succeeds at encapsulating an entire balanced breakfast in just one exceptionally well-layered bite, something no other brunch dish can honestly claim. And if you ask the older generations why it is that us young folks can’t afford to invest in…

Job Description: Here at Fraudman, Swindle, & Thirdname we’re committed to taking extraordinary measures to guarantee the success of our business and its employees, which is why we’ve recently decided to make some fundamental changes to our hiring process in order to ensure a more prosperous direction for our property management corporation. If you’re looking to make big money for a growing company that’s absolutely flush as a result of a superficially-inflated national housing market, we’d love to hear from you. Please take a moment to review the details below. Professional Qualifications: N/A Requirements: -Must be willing and able to put…

It’s no secret that I have, on numerous occasions, publicly expressed pride in my penchant for tax avoidance.  However, it’s also no secret that I’m a hugely successful businessman with more money than you’ve ever imagined and more property than you’ve ever heard of one person owning. So to those of you out there suggesting that my ex-wife’s tragic stairway tumble was anything more than a perfectly timed, yet slightly unfortunate freak accident, I ask – to what end, exactly? Okay, so maybe it is true that our children were set to testify the very next day in a major…

Every year, approximately 73 trillion sperm lose their lives to irresponsible ejaculations across the United States. This growing trend has troubled us pro-lifers for decades until recently, when the Supreme Court unsurprisingly ruled they could simply cancel out their previous ruling guaranteeing the right to agency over your own body. Given this constitutional un-development, we’ve been inspired to take the concept of prenatal salvation just a wee bit further and have decided that, for the sake of preserving the sanctity of life, it’s finally time to start policing sperm. That’s right folks, the sperm police are gathering nationwide and are…

If you’re a middle-aged male living in the United States, recent studies have shown that there’s a 40% chance you’ve already experienced erectile dysfunction, and nothing, absolutely NOTHING, is more humiliating or degrading than not having agency over your own body, especially when it comes to your personal freedom of sexual expression. While we acknowledge that women’s healthcare may be somewhat important these days, we feel it has dominated the national discussion for far too long as the ethics of having an abortion and debate about easy access to birth control have completely overshadowed men’s biological needs. It’s time we…

– Hello and thank you for calling Superfast, where, for the right price, all of your high-speed internet and cable TV needs can be met. This is Jane and I’ll be assisting you on this call today. To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with? – Hi Jane, this is John. I’m… – Hello Mr. John, thank you for your call. How is your day going so far? – Um, fine I guess, thanks. I’m actually calling because… – Good to hear. Mr. John, can I have your last name to pull up your account information? – Yes,…

If you’re like two-thirds of adult Americans, you’re probably quite confused as to why so many of today’s most important and highly-respected officials are suddenly using the phrase “Let’s go Brandon!” And not just as meaningless tweets or desperate calls for attention, but deliberately and emphatically in very public situations. Situations that, to the common observer, might even seem completely unrelated to cheering for or promoting a man whose name may or may not be Brandon, Brenden, Branden or any other similar-sounding duo-syllabic variation thereof. But don’t worry – I think I can help clear things up. To better explain…