Every Sunday millions of Americans file into churches all across the country and look up at the svelte, tortured physique of Jesus on the cross and are shamed by the fact they fail to live up to His ideal Body Mass Index (BMI). While we can’t say with any certainty exactly how thin and chiseled Jesus was, we know that he walked a lot, and he worked as a carpenter during a time before circular saws, so that must have been a physically demanding job. But perhaps the greatest textual evidence we have of Jesus’s gossamer figure is that he…
Author: Robert McGee
Robert McGee
Rob is an English lecturer and writer living in Germany. He is currently working on a book-length comedy project about his life in Europe. He has written comedy and short stories for The American Bystander, Defenestration, Points in Case, and Literally Stories. Follow him on Twitter @Robert__McGee.
1. Are you really going to eat all of that elf? 2. You have a really pretty mace. 3. You should smite more. 4. Didn’t you wear that loincloth last week? 5. All of my exes are berserkers. 6. Oh, come on. I’m sure you love looting. 7. But you don’t need to go into the dungeons, you’re already in great shape. 8. Are your teeth real? 9. Really? You don’t look like an Eastern Swamp Ogre. 10. Can I touch your claws? 11. None of my previous partners had trouble reaching the inner sanctum. 12. Codpieces don’t feel good. Do I have to wear one? 13. You’re so cool.…