Author: Robin Doody

Colleagues and friends, As many of you know, I was just part of the recent layoffs that have swept the tech, media, and Sam Bankman-Fried industries. Publicly, I am taking the opportunity to thank the great many friends, colleagues, and smarmy pieces of shit who are gainfully and inexplicably still employed. Privately, I am concerned about my family’s finances. How am I going to afford to pay for our lives? I was hopelessly consumed by this dread – spiraling out of control as I suddenly have endless time and no concrete plan – until I saw your words. Then, my…

I Son, Are you frustrated because you don’t have plans for Sunday night? It’s the loneliest night of the week, and being single creates a lot of obstacles to not feeling lonely. That’s why personalities like Dad, your divorced sister, and Martha from Synagogue are all using Sunday night dinner at my place to combat their loneliness. I’m cooking lasagna :)What time will you be over? Mom II Son!Maybe you missed my first email. Bumping to the top of your inbox just in case – I know loneliness can fog the mind. Speaking of, Sunday dinner is still on. I’d…

Cinderella Cinderella is forced to work (and pay exorbitant taxes) by her evil overlord, Hillary Clinton. The liberal elite get to go to an illegal and pedophilic Clinton Foundation gala, and Cinderella is forced to stay at home. That is, until her fairy godmother, Kellyanne Conway, comes and transforms a pumpkin (that Cinderella was planning to use for target practice) into an American-made pick-up truck adorned with Trump flags. Kellyanne transforms her shabby, East Coast elite nightgown into an elegant MAGA cut-off tank top with a small, glass holster for her constitutionally-protected pistol. Cinderella goes to the ball and falls…

1. Avoid gatherings of ten people or more, such as recitals, baseball games, graduations, etc. 2. Younger generations pose a great health risk to older, more vulnerable populations. So the birthday card you send once a decade is fine. 3. Do not go into the office to work. You have likely been practicing this measure for years. 4. Limit your in-person contact to essential services and loved ones. Like Mindy, the woman you met last Friday at the Applebee’s bar. 5. Avoid sharing things like towels or utensils or notions of togetherness. 6. Flatten the curve. Unless those curves belong…

Almost-new Cannondale. Don’t know much about the brand other than it’s extremely expensive. $1,000 full retail price. Let’s say all of that was taken from a modest savings account (about 1/3 of the total account). Purchased, just two weeks ago, for a work commute that is only accessible by bike. Was locked (original owner believed) securely on one of the most high-foot-traffic, well-lit, visible streets in the city from 6:15-8:00 p.m. on a Wednesday night. Original owner was in therapy session. Police report filed, but come on. Brand-new rack and basket installed at time of original purchase. $150 value. Original…

On December 4th, 2018, Michael Avenatti announced that he would not run for president in 2020. This announcement was mourned by the only person who considered him a credible candidate: himself. Statement of Michael Avenatti After consultation with my family – a celebrity judge, a well-networked acting coach/manager and the entire TMZ staff – over martinis at a hotel bar at 11 a.m., I have decided not to seek the presidency of the United States in 2020. I do not make this decision lightly – I make it out of respect for my family. I would run but for their…