Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

ITASCA – Local Alex Grifford was spotted showing a slight smirk of relief today seconds after his life was most likely ruined. The man, scheduled to get married to his fiancée of four years, had his plans for the day upended when she abruptly ran away shout whispering “I can’t do this” over again in the middle of the ceremony. Despite the fact that his codependence means that his life is almost certainly metaphorically over, Grifford felt that familiar rush of relief we all do when plans fall-through last minute, freeing up an evening. “Yeah, I know we’ve been planning…

Despite us humans being excited at the prospect of going outside or feeling sane for the first time in months, vampires are preparing to enter the worst stretch of their year. TRANSYLVANIA – With daylight savings springing us forward into the wonderful world of absorbing vitamin D and drinking 4 and a half Bud Light Limes at a park near a shitting dog, it may seem like it’s time to celebrate. However, there are some who aren’t nearly as stoked. As many humans feel their seasonal depression fading, vampires all over are just beginning to feel theirs setting in. With…

SOMEWHERE WITHOUT PHONE SIGNAL – Local rest stop mechanic (and seemingly only person to exist for a hundred miles) Gus Miller sent yet another teenager to their doom today. Miller appears to be some sort of mechanic that also runs a rundown gas station off the side of a dirt road, but with the entire surrounding area having become deserted, he is often the first to point out that his real job is giving directions to teenagers looking for the old McKinnon place. “Yeah, the whippersnappers just keep flowing in. I always tell them to turn back and to avoid…

CHICAGO – An area man realized this morning that he never actually wrote down those resolutions he was planning to write, even though he he talked about doing it for months. Witness (his roommate) on the scene said that when he made the realization, he said. “Oh well, I’ll do them today. It’s only the 12th.” Some of the other late resolutions included: Stop Procrastinating Buy a calendar. Preferably a funny one. Like one of those Far Side ones where you get to see a whole comic strip and then just tear the whole page off. I guess it’s possible…

WASHINGTON – Defense Secretary nominee Pete Hegseth was one of the excited attendees at today’s inauguration. Reports say in the lead up to Trump being officially sworn in as the 47th president, a distracted and stumbling Hegseth raised a glass of champagne and tried to hold a toast, only to have someone stop him mid ramble and explain that they were still in the process of swearing in Trump. Hegseth downed his champagne every toast, repeating this process until, through pure attrition and luck, he happened to actually lead a celebratory toast at the right time. Witnesses from his tables…

NEW YORK – We’ve gotten word that the infamous Bobby “The Girder” Sanders has come out of retirement, breaking his solemn vow to never return to the construction yard again. Sanders claims that he’s not planning to go back to working construction full-time and that this is just one last job. Unfortunately for Sanders, when he retired the first time, he swore he was completely done with this life, and buried his tools in his basement before pouring the cement floor. Even his iconic sledgehammer was buried. “I never thought I’d need these again. I was out, ya know. But…

CAMP WAMPANAKA – We’ve now confirmed that the infamous Camp Slaughter Killer has returned despite being shot, burned alive, and drowned last summer. We have no idea why he’s come back, but if the last 14 summers are any kind of pattern, it’s safe to assume he’s planning to kill somewhere in the ballpark of a dozen teenagers using sharp objects they’ve left conveniently scattered around all of the camp’s darkest corners. The masked maniac announced his return in a fun homage to the former Chicago Bulls shooting guard, Michael Jordan. Despite having issue with his past and likely future…

UNDISCLOSED BAD GUY WAREHOUSE – Reports came in this week that another massive shootout happened at the warehouse near da docks. Witnesses on the scene, mostly from Schiortino family, are claiming that “they got him.” “No one could have survived that!” One of their heavies was heard saying after unloading his automatic pistol into some shadows and boxes. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened, with our news team having covered at least six other times the Schiortino’s supposedly “got him” in the last two weeks. “This time, it’s different,” said the Schiortino’s head soldier, grinning proudly…

CHICAGO, IL – A writer for a relatively unknown parody and pop-culture site was seen today just chilling on his laptop like he doesn’t have a damn thing he’s supposed to be doing today, despite the fact that all his Christmas decorations are still up. It’s believed that he has fully turned blinders on and doesn’t even register the tree anymore, considering he’s been smiling and nodding at a blank Wordpress page for the last six hours. Experts in the field believe that once he finishes the article he’s working on, he will say “phew” out loud to no one…

WASHINGTON DC – With 2024 having record-breaking highs in temperature nearly every single month, climate scientists have once again begged for politicians to listen to their pleas. In a hearing this week, the European Union’s Copernicus Climate Change Service (C3S) presented a multi-hour presentation explaining the science behind these temperatures, and what they could mean for the future of our planet. Sources say that after wrapping up their last line, a man in the crowd shouted, “in English, please,” leading to the scientists saying “too hot, Earth sad.” This new rephrasing was met with uproar as the entire room was…