Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

Epic Games released a distressing press statement last week making sure that the public understood that their method of adding pop superstar Sabrina Carpenter to hit video game Fortnite was shrinking down the real Carpenter and dropping her into a massive computer. “Everyone was so excited that Katy Perry went to space. Who cares! We’re getting so tired of NASA and their showboating. Our facility has more tech than all of their moon bases combined! We have defense contracts with the six biggest military contractors in the world, but everyone is shitting their pants with joy because the singer of…

WASHINGTON – Elon Musk’s stream of Path of Exile 2 went off the rails last week when he was mercilessly trolled until he rage-quit from the game altogether. The first half hour of the stream went fine, outside of Musk somehow dying roughly 34 times to the first NPC in the game that is only there to offer the intro quest, but then a large group of trolls with names like “Elon_SUX,” “ELON_IS_A_L0SER,” and “Grimes” began spamming the chat with the message “what are you eating under there?” Elon smirked and nodded for a bit, before finally acknowledging the messages.…

WASHINGTON – Local film major and most annoying guy to meet at a social event Clyde Wilson has reported that he saw some vague crazy thing this morning. When pressed to explain what he saw, he was only able to come up with one adjective. “Yeah, it was like… you know… like what if there was a… There’s really only one way to describe it.” Wilson then went on to explain that he hasn’t seen any of Lynch’s work, but that he’s seen a lot of video essays on youtube about it. He tried to go on, but we abruptly…

This week, Nintendo had its annual “Nintendo Direct,” the presentation where they reveal new games, exciting system updates, and any other news they deem big enough to announce in front of a sold-out crowd. This year’s direct featured a new look at Metroid Prime 4, More Dragon Quest remakes, and, oddly enough, multiple insistences that Yoshi, the dinosaur character from the Super Mario franchise, isn’t real. Early in the presentation, before getting to any new games or Switch 2 news, Nintendo of America president Doug Bowser jokingly mentioned Yoshi, saying “who obviously is a fictional character, as well all know,”…

CHICAGO – The newly hired head of maintenance at The Chicago Art Institute Davis Motley was seen in a total panic today after everyone else had left and it was time for him to clean. “I just want to mop, man. They’ve got stuff that goes on the floor, and stuff that looks like someone dropped their coffee, but I’m scared to touch any of it. The guy before me got fired because he threw out a pair of jeans he found on a bench and it turned out they were worth like 25 grand.” Unsure whether it was worth…

After having a smooth build-up and launch where no one was arguing about anything, Ubisoft has come under fire by gamers claiming their new title, Assassin’s Creed: Shadows, is too woke. These allegations have been flooding lesser-used message boards and downvoted Reddit threads all because the game, which puts players in control of two extremely historically accurate virtual reality samurai, features a katana that has been vaccinated. The katana functions like any other sword in the game, with the only real difference being in it’s weapon menu description, where it states that anyone wounded by it but not killed may…

ITASCA – Local Alex Grifford was spotted showing a slight smirk of relief today seconds after his life was most likely ruined. The man, scheduled to get married to his fiancée of four years, had his plans for the day upended when she abruptly ran away shout whispering “I can’t do this” over again in the middle of the ceremony. Despite the fact that his codependence means that his life is almost certainly metaphorically over, Grifford felt that familiar rush of relief we all do when plans fall-through last minute, freeing up an evening. “Yeah, I know we’ve been planning…

Despite us humans being excited at the prospect of going outside or feeling sane for the first time in months, vampires are preparing to enter the worst stretch of their year. TRANSYLVANIA – With daylight savings springing us forward into the wonderful world of absorbing vitamin D and drinking 4 and a half Bud Light Limes at a park near a shitting dog, it may seem like it’s time to celebrate. However, there are some who aren’t nearly as stoked. As many humans feel their seasonal depression fading, vampires all over are just beginning to feel theirs setting in. With…

SOMEWHERE WITHOUT PHONE SIGNAL – Local rest stop mechanic (and seemingly only person to exist for a hundred miles) Gus Miller sent yet another teenager to their doom today. Miller appears to be some sort of mechanic that also runs a rundown gas station off the side of a dirt road, but with the entire surrounding area having become deserted, he is often the first to point out that his real job is giving directions to teenagers looking for the old McKinnon place. “Yeah, the whippersnappers just keep flowing in. I always tell them to turn back and to avoid…

CHICAGO – An area man realized this morning that he never actually wrote down those resolutions he was planning to write, even though he he talked about doing it for months. Witness (his roommate) on the scene said that when he made the realization, he said. “Oh well, I’ll do them today. It’s only the 12th.” Some of the other late resolutions included: Stop Procrastinating Buy a calendar. Preferably a funny one. Like one of those Far Side ones where you get to see a whole comic strip and then just tear the whole page off. I guess it’s possible…