Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

CRYSTAL LAKE, N.J. – Thanks to a bevy of new security measures and a deeper focus on the wellbeing of his campers, Camp Crystal Lake director Tom Jennings touted to reporters Friday that gruesome slayings at the camp were down 28 percent year over year. “We took a step back after last summer and asked ourselves, ‘What can we do to make this camp even better for the kids?'” said Jennings, who has operated the camp for twenty years and overseen the removal of hundreds of dead bodies. “I knew if we could bring down the rate of horrific murders happening…

DEARBORN, Mich. – The need for alternate sources of energy is bigger than politics. Environmental concerns about the continued use of fossil fuels aside, Americans on both sides of the proverbial aisle would welcome independence from expensive foreign oil, as sales of hybrid, electric, ethanol, and biodiesel cars continue to rise. The one hindrance to widespread acceptance of gas-efficient or eschewing cars: Cash-strapped consumers in the Midwest and the Rust Belt already under financial strain don’t have much interest in or need to trade in their gas-guzzling SUVs and big-rig trucks for an electric car. For a new type of green…

BRANFORD, Conn. – A sexy pool boy was interrupted from his daily routine of smearing lotion onto his cut six-pack abs and rinsing gunk from the neighbor’s pool filter when he wondered for the first time if there could be more to life than baby oil. The mid-20s hunk for hire, who has spent the last four summers maintaining a perfect glisten while fishing dead frogs out of Mrs. Dunken’s above-ground pool, had never before contemplated the true meaning of existence. “It was the way the sunlight hit the algae that made me realize my time on this planet is…

DENVER – In response to a widespread Facebook invite to “Rebecca’s 27th Birthday Pool Party Spectacular!!!” the FBI has launched a full-scale investigation into whether anyone is actually planning on bringing their bathing suits to the event. “As with any summer pool party invite, we must proceed with caution,” lead investigator Angie McAllister told reporters this afternoon. “You don’t want to be that person who shows up in a bathing suit, only to find that people are just hanging out sorta near the pool and not actually going in.” “Not only do you look super lame, but every time you have…

MILWAUKEE – Citing himself as a proud patriot and staunch lover of the United States of America, local carpenter Ryan Barsamian assured reporters Monday that he will never forget the 9/11 joke he recently heard. “That day will stick with me forever,” Barsamian said. “I remember being glued to the television, watching a Frasier marathon, when Gary leaned over and told me that joke.” Like so many other Americans, Barsamian is sickened to see more and more people forgetting 9/11 jokes with each passing year, choosing to move on to quips about other horrific tragedies the country has endured since 2001.…

WASHINGTON – A new study published this week by the Pew Research Center says that as many as half of all high school students are failing out of algebra because they literally can’t even. “Our research shows that most Generation Z students these days generally lack the ability to literally even,” said project director Tamara Rogers, who studied Rachel for a semester and discovered that Rachel struggled with both math and her decision to confront Stacy, who was spreading rumors about her and Gavin, even though her and Gavin broke up months ago and everyone knew that; after all, Stacy was…

WASHINGTON – With schools shutting their doors for the approaching summer break, students nationwide expressed their excitement for the upcoming start of summer and a chance to have a break from school shootings. “Summer’s great! I get to sleep in, there’s no homework, and I’m way less likely to be gunned down by an AR-15,” said Emma Jackson, 12. And without the worry of upcoming tests, book reports, and losing their friends and classmates to a shooter armed with his parent’s loosely protected guns, many students have some big plans for their summer schedule. But for students in high school moving…