Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

CHICAGO – With temperatures reaching yearly highs and commuters relying on pedal power instead of public transportation, a recent study provides evidence that biking to work may be a highly effective way to be both sweaty and late. While research is still in the early phases, a team from the University of Illinois at Chicago has noticed a trend among bikers in the workplace. According to lead researcher Dr. Joseph Corrino, the uptick of sweat-stained backs and armpits arriving to the office after 9 a.m. in the warmer months is notable. “It’s remarkable how much perspiration can be produced during a…

SEATTLE – A Seattle-based fast food chain is under investigation for allegedly trafficking stimulants across the Mexican border. Health experts warn that the highly addictive drug, which is harvested in Mexico and other Latin American nations, has also been linked to dehydration, yellowed teeth, panic attacks, heart conditions, and even death. The stimulant is ground into a powder, boiled, served with a spoon, and often cut with cheaper substances. According to undercover informants, addicts shuffle into the restaurants each morning to order the substance by the ounce using foreign codewords. Many users idle around the restaurant for hours as they come…

WASHINGTON – After engaging in wanton destruction and causing hundreds of millions of dollars in damages in the Belarusian city of Mogilev in pursuit of black market arms dealer Alexei Kiramonov, Ethan Hunt earned his fourteenth disavowal from the Impossible Mission Force Monday, an accomplishment the agency’s human resources department is dreading. “You have no idea how much of a headache this is for us,” HR specialist John Traversom said. “It’s not just removing him from our active agent system, but we still have to file mountains of paperwork each time someone is put on the disavowal list.” Typically, IMF agents…

CRYSTAL LAKE, N.J. – Thanks to a bevy of new security measures and a deeper focus on the wellbeing of his campers, Camp Crystal Lake director Tom Jennings touted to reporters Friday that gruesome slayings at the camp were down 28 percent year over year. “We took a step back after last summer and asked ourselves, ‘What can we do to make this camp even better for the kids?'” said Jennings, who has operated the camp for twenty years and overseen the removal of hundreds of dead bodies. “I knew if we could bring down the rate of horrific murders happening…

DEARBORN, Mich. – The need for alternate sources of energy is bigger than politics. Environmental concerns about the continued use of fossil fuels aside, Americans on both sides of the proverbial aisle would welcome independence from expensive foreign oil, as sales of hybrid, electric, ethanol, and biodiesel cars continue to rise. The one hindrance to widespread acceptance of gas-efficient or eschewing cars: Cash-strapped consumers in the Midwest and the Rust Belt already under financial strain don’t have much interest in or need to trade in their gas-guzzling SUVs and big-rig trucks for an electric car. For a new type of green…

BRANFORD, Conn. – A sexy pool boy was interrupted from his daily routine of smearing lotion onto his cut six-pack abs and rinsing gunk from the neighbor’s pool filter when he wondered for the first time if there could be more to life than baby oil. The mid-20s hunk for hire, who has spent the last four summers maintaining a perfect glisten while fishing dead frogs out of Mrs. Dunken’s above-ground pool, had never before contemplated the true meaning of existence. “It was the way the sunlight hit the algae that made me realize my time on this planet is…

DENVER – In response to a widespread Facebook invite to “Rebecca’s 27th Birthday Pool Party Spectacular!!!” the FBI has launched a full-scale investigation into whether anyone is actually planning on bringing their bathing suits to the event. “As with any summer pool party invite, we must proceed with caution,” lead investigator Angie McAllister told reporters this afternoon. “You don’t want to be that person who shows up in a bathing suit, only to find that people are just hanging out sorta near the pool and not actually going in.” “Not only do you look super lame, but every time you have…