Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

LOS ANGELES – After years of hard work and countless failed attempts at obtaining a food handlers license, Los Angeles transplant Dustin Peckingham has been forced to accept a starring role on the new Fox sitcom Tip Your Server in order to help pay his bills. “Ever since I was a little boy, I dreamed of serving cheeseburger egg rolls to every hungry mouth in Hollywood,” Peckingham said. “I’m disappointed my agent couldn’t book me another server job but I do hope to take the skills I learn from being on set and use them in my return to the dining room of…

SEATTLE – Retail giant Amazon is rolling out new perks to its customers, as Prime members will now be given a great new deal on Blu-rays, along with a free two-day head start when the Amazon predator drones are released to begin hunting down consumers. News of the two-day head start comes on the heels of Amazon’s announcement that Prime members would be receiving discounts at Whole Foods and is seen by industry experts as the most aggressive move yet to ultimately bend all of humanity to the company’s will. “Now that we have taken over completely, we will work tirelessly…

NEW YORK – The clichè and hackneyed party theme that the American Dental Association (ADA) has counted on for over a century was once again dug up and recycled as America’s leading advocate for oral health lacked the creative capacity to think out of their tiny tooth-shaped box. The ADA, the nation’s largest dental association but by far the least imaginative, invited representatives from all fifty states to gather in celebration for the association’s 159th anniversary last Saturday evening. Although some members entered with naive optimism, everyone in attendance was gravely disappointed after discovering the night’s theme was once again “Tooth.”…

ST. LOUIS – As a fire hose full of fecal matter was being prepared to fire on his audience, Sound Lounge manager Brian Sorely realized he booked an entirely different kind of scat man for his jazz club Saturday night. “This doesn’t seem right,” Sorely said to himself as the artist, 22-year-old self-proclaimed “Shit King of St. Louis,” Tanner Graveton, set up an easel on stage to begin his act. But, having seen many great jazz artists perform in various ways throughout the years, Sorely was willing to see where it went. “The guy called and said he needed a scat…

CHICAGO – Fed up with being catcalled while doing things as mundane as running errands, exercising or simply sitting on a park bench, local woman Cassandra Dalton, 26, has begun responding by hissing viciously at the man responsible, baring her teeth and affecting a crazed look in her eye while imitating her cat Delilah. “It’s been extremely effective,” Dalton reports. “Now when I do it, the guy shuts up, looks scared, and keeps walking. I’ve been recommending it to my girlfriends as a useful technique.”   Dalton’s targets were not as enthused with the new strategy. They claim it’s a highly unsettling…

WASHINGTON – President Trump ordered a military strike on Syria Friday night in response to a chemical weapons attack by Syrian President Bashar al-Assad on his own people, but not before carefully mulling over the plate of cookies in the middle of the conference table, sources say. “Mr. President, we’ve laid out three options for you to consider,” Defense Secretary James Mattis reportedly said. “We believe a joint action with the British and French would bring us the best results moving forward.” Trump, crossing his arms as he is known to do, did not speak for nearly five minutes and peered down the table…