Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

CHICAGO – Fed up with being catcalled while doing things as mundane as running errands, exercising or simply sitting on a park bench, local woman Cassandra Dalton, 26, has begun responding by hissing viciously at the man responsible, baring her teeth and affecting a crazed look in her eye while imitating her cat Delilah. “It’s been extremely effective,” Dalton reports. “Now when I do it, the guy shuts up, looks scared, and keeps walking. I’ve been recommending it to my girlfriends as a useful technique.”   Dalton’s targets were not as enthused with the new strategy. They claim it’s a highly unsettling…

WASHINGTON – President Trump ordered a military strike on Syria Friday night in response to a chemical weapons attack by Syrian President Bashar al-Assad on his own people, but not before carefully mulling over the plate of cookies in the middle of the conference table, sources say. “Mr. President, we’ve laid out three options for you to consider,” Defense Secretary James Mattis reportedly said. “We believe a joint action with the British and French would bring us the best results moving forward.” Trump, crossing his arms as he is known to do, did not speak for nearly five minutes and peered down the table…

As the prophecy stated more than two thousand years ago, Jesus Christ plans to one day return to this Earth to wreak havoc and, as has been the case every year since Christ left to gather his forces, the Easter Bunny – our silent guardian – has stopped it from happening. This year was no different, as the Easter Bunny once again defeated Jesus and prevented his apocalyptic return to our world, allowing children to hunt for and decorate eggs in his honor. In an almost unfathomable battle taking place over a small lakefront community in upstate New York, the Easter Bunny…

HUDSON, Mass. – Sixth-grader Carter Michaels stumbled upon a JCPenney ad lying on the family’s coffee table and the provocative nature of the two-page insert jumpstarted the young boy’s puberty and rocketed him through years of pubescent development in the span of minutes, sources report. “I saw the Sizzling Summer Sale and the $17.99 St. John’s Bay capris and I felt every hormone in my body release into my bloodstream at once,” said Michaels, adding that the Worthington long-sleeve scoop neck woven blouse caused his testicles to drop like sandbags from a skyscraper. “It’s pretty cool to be a full-grown man,…

EAST LANSING, Mich. – Local resident Travis Thistlethwait’s bold foray into the world of self-confidence ended today after a record-breaking forty-eight seconds of self-love. This latest effort at inward-facing compassion was brought forth by a 34th birthday present from his mother: a Brene Brown self-help book. The optimistic endeavor seemed to be going well, until memories from the past started bubbling up. “The first three quarters of a minute were pretty doable,” said Travis. “But then I remembered the time I farted in the middle of algebra class in seventh grade. I had a huge crush on Michelle, who sat next…

WAYNE, N.J. – Citing industry changes and its ongoing debt, representatives from Toys “R” Us announced Wednesday their plan to liquidate all remaining Toys “R” Us kids in the next several months. While the news comes as a shock to many, CEO Dave Brandon said the decision was “a long time coming.” “A lot of our kids are outdated, and frankly, not in the best condition. It’s embarrassing,” Brandon stated. “We initially thought we’d only have to liquidate a few kids to ensure the others would get the care they needed, but it’s become clear that Toys “R” Us kids…

LOS ANGELES – More shocking news continues to rattle Hollywood this week, as beloved actor Tom Hanks has been accused of touching an actress with his most recent role in Steven Spielberg’s Oscar-nominated film The Post. “I’ll never get over what he did to me,” said Lauren Fleming, who recently moved to Los Angeles and has secured a small role in an upcoming television pilot. “How he approached the role of Ben Bradlee really spoke to me as I begin my own journey in acting. He continues to be a master of the craft so many years in and I’ll always be…

SAN ANTONIO, Texas – Local woman Jessica Wells, 30, was going about her normal Thursday routine, a successful day of holding in her flatulence. She ventured to her high-powered office job where many people respect her and had another successful day of squeezing in her abdomen. Even after she went to lunch with the office boy’s club to Tacos Santana and got the chilaquiles with extra beans. “Wow Jess, you sure can eat!” they exclaimed. They respected her for that; she could hang with the boys. There was, however, a close call, back at the office, when her leather computer chair…

WASHINGTON – The Pentagon has deployed five brigades of 20,000 newly drafted teachers to schools throughout the nation, escalating America’s military involvement in the war-torn region. Several have already participated in combat operations. After initially dispatching advisers to K-12 institutions across the country, U.S. commanders now believe that heightening teacher levels, much like Betsy DeVos’ plan that successfully eliminated the grizzly bear threat, will help mitigate a conflict that has, in the eyes of some military experts, become a quagmire. Deployments have been swift, with colleges churning out recruits from their Shoot for America programs at record paces to meet the…