Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

SAN ANTONIO, Texas – Local woman Jessica Wells, 30, was going about her normal Thursday routine, a successful day of holding in her flatulence. She ventured to her high-powered office job where many people respect her and had another successful day of squeezing in her abdomen. Even after she went to lunch with the office boy’s club to Tacos Santana and got the chilaquiles with extra beans. “Wow Jess, you sure can eat!” they exclaimed. They respected her for that; she could hang with the boys. There was, however, a close call, back at the office, when her leather computer chair…

WASHINGTON – The Pentagon has deployed five brigades of 20,000 newly drafted teachers to schools throughout the nation, escalating America’s military involvement in the war-torn region. Several have already participated in combat operations. After initially dispatching advisers to K-12 institutions across the country, U.S. commanders now believe that heightening teacher levels, much like Betsy DeVos’ plan that successfully eliminated the grizzly bear threat, will help mitigate a conflict that has, in the eyes of some military experts, become a quagmire. Deployments have been swift, with colleges churning out recruits from their Shoot for America programs at record paces to meet the…

WASHINGTON – On the heels of aggressively suggesting that teachers carry guns to prevent further school shootings, the Republican Party is suggesting that it might be nice if the country thought about arming its dogs as well. “We realized teachers can’t be with our children at all times,” House Speaker Paul Ryan said. “So to fill in those gaps, who better to protect the kids than man’s best friend?” Though recognizing that dogs don’t have fingers to pull triggers, are borderline incapable of reason, and often hide under beds upon hearing loud noises, the party is moving forward with preliminary discussions…

ARLINGTON, Texas – Samanatha Glasier, a kindergarten teacher out of East Texas Elementary School, has recently made the decision to switch her hall pass from a rectangular block to a Magnum Desert Eagle Pistol. “I just felt the kids needed something more than a wooden block,and allowing them to have a pistol in the halls should help give us some peace in mind that our children are safe when they’re at school,” said Glasier, a Texas native. “I took them on a class field trip to the shooting range and taught them the basics so that in the case of an…

WASHINGTON – In a statement released this morning, America’s good guys with guns expressed sympathy for the Parkland, Florida victims, but reiterated their preference to “not get involved.” The statement read in part: “We’re sickened and dismayed at this violent act by a deranged individual. Our thoughts and prayers are with the bereaved families, and this event is a true tragedy, though we’d be remiss if we didn’t remind everyone that’s not on us. You’re all going to have to sort something out on your own.” The nation’s good guys with guns, long hailed by NRA spokespeople and pundits as the country’s…

COLUMBUS, Ohio – A local man is taking a different approach to Valentine’s Day this year; instead of weeks or even months of planning, realtor Mike Janis is taking care of everything on his commute home. “There’s a lot you can do to create a special night for that special person in your life, just by frantically tapping away at your phone and praying that you don’t inadvertently smash into the back of someone’s car in bumper-to-bumper traffic,” Janis said. Mike opted for this innovative approach by completely forgetting that Valentine’s Day happens at the same time every year and, additionally,…

LAKE MICHIGAN – Expressing that feelings of distrust over the past several months have been increasing, freshwater sponge Spongilla lacustris expressed to reporters late yesterday evening it was completely unaware of the repeated acts of infidelity itself was committing with itself behind its back. “Bewilderment is an understatement,” gurgled the multicellular sessile parazoan through its osculum. “I started budding and I knew immediately I was doing something behind my back with myself without myself knowing. You think you can trust yourself, but you always end up letting yourself down.” Reflecting upon the relationship as a whole, the sponge indicated that it…

LOS ANGELES – Shocking news came out of Hollywood today as beloved actor Tom Hanks reportedly exposed himself to a number of people as the benefactor of local non-profit The Hunger Initiative. For the twenty-year history of the non-profit, which feeds thousands of homeless citizens and children per year, no one knew who was fronting the costs of the operation. According to reports, Hanks walked into the organization’s headquarters this morning and flashed his checkbook. “I received an anonymous letter in 1998 offering to fund my fledgling organization in perpetuity,” said executive director Sandra Winegarten. “To have Mr. Hanks expose himself…