Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WEST SENECA, N.Y. – Wondering if he may have just volunteered for a birthday party-level amateur magic trick, local man Brad Haskins was offered a piece of gum as if asked to select a card from a deck of 52. The experience occurred when Haskins asked co-worker, Kyle Ebbers, for a piece of gum. Ebbers pulled a pack out of his pocket and, using a form of sleight-of-hand, pointed the pack in Haskins’ direction so a stick could easily be selected. Though sensing some sort of manipulation tactic, Haskins selected the piece which was protruding more than the others. Scanning his…

WASHINGTON – The Centers for Disease Control issued a stern warning ahead of Donald Trump’s State of the Union Tuesday, advising Americans to not stare directly at the president’s address to the nation. “I can assure you, no good will come of it,” said CDC head Brenda Fitzgerald. “Headaches, piercing bowel pain, and even immediate blindness are just a few of the guaranteed side effects of prolonged staring at what will be unfolding before your eyes.” Friedan explained that anyone watching the State of the Union for too long may also experience a deep disconnect with reality and an immense desire…

WASHINGTON – The Trump administration plans to announce a new strategy for defeating ISIS in the coming days, White House sources say. For several months, Chinese labor factories have churned out an elite team of G.I. Joes that can be deployed within the next two weeks. The vinyl-frame soldiers measure one-foot tall, making them nearly invisible to the naked eye. The elite fighting force also comes with mini ATVs for the soldiers to relentlessly search and destroy the smaller and less mobile ISIS fighters. At a meeting last week, President Trump displayed prototypes featuring limbs that flex beyond the range of…

CARBONDALE, Ill. – A new study conducted by researchers at the University of Southern Illinois suggests that people who are habitually late, forgetful, and full of uncontrollable rage might have a higher intelligence than their more rational-minded peers. “We’ve known for a while now that habitual lateness can be a sign that you’re an optimistic person,” said Dr. Juan Marquez, lead author of the study. “And that being forgetful is the result of an efficient hippocampus in the brain. But we didn’t know until now that being full of uncontrollable rage, previously perceived as an undesirable quality, could suggest that…

WASHINGTON – Introduced by Paul Ryan and having the full support of the GOP behind it, House Republicans seem poised to pass a new bill that will make it illegal for anyone other than whoever is in first to throw the blue shell in Mario Kart. The blue shell, an item typically reserved for those further behind in the race that automatically attacks whoever is in first, was seen as an unfair advantage by Republicans. “The people in first in Mario Kart are actually at the greatest disadvantage in the world of the game,” Ryan said. “Everyone always attacks the person…

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. – With the clean slate of a brand-new year upon him, local insurance salesman James Crosby has resolved to abandon all of his New Year’s resolutions faster than ever before. “I know it’s an ambitious goal to simply give up on them by the end of the first week of January,” Crosby said. “But it’s a new year, I’m energized, and I’m confident I can do it.” In December, swept up in the end-of-year hysteria to improve one’s life, Crosby made a long list of resolutions that included more exercise, healthier eating, and finally painting the living room.…

As the holiday season comes to a close, a yearly tradition returns to the Midwestern United States: The return migration of mall Santas. Each Thanksgiving, these plump, jolly creatures descend on shopping areas nationwide to brighten the days of children everywhere and listen to Christmas wishes. Early each January, they return from whence they came to begin beefing up for the next season. “It takes a lot out of you,” said Terry Lipscomb, who has Santa’d along the eastern seaboard for the past thirteen years. “Late November is my peak as I get up to about 315, maybe 325 if…

A press conference held this week to mark the holiday season turned controversial when December 26th told reporters that it has finally had it with always taking a back seat to Black Friday. Citing the abundance of “doorbuster” deals and even the special name for whichever date follows Thanksgiving, the day after Christmas announced that it’s finally taking a stand. “For thousands of years, I’ve been nothing but consistent in my dealings,” the 26th said. “No matter what, I’m always the same day every year. Then a few decades ago a newfangled day all of a sudden pops up and…

NEW YORK – In an unusual programming move, Fox & Friends, the popular Fox News morning show that has become a ritual for President Donald Trump and a conduit for delivering messages directly to him, devoted its entire show today to explaining the concept of Santa Claus. “So he’s this magical man that has lived for thousands upon thousands of years,” said co-host Steve Doocy, looking directly into the camera. “And he has these little elf helpers up in the North Pole, right Brian?” “That’s exactly right,” said co-host Brian Kilmeade, holding a giant map of the United States as a visual…

CHICAGO – Following a break in communication of nearly three decades, Chicago homicide detectives say they have received a new letter from the “South Bend Shovel Slayer,” one which supposedly details the whereabouts of nine additional “mummified” bodies. Though the full text of the letter has yet to be made available to news outlets, a key portion read in part: “Back again. To [sic] long away. Looking forword [sic] to fun. Looking forword [sic] to blood. More soon.” “Our experts have reached a consensus that the letter is authentic,” said Chicago Police Commissioner Terrance Evans. “Whether this has anything to…