Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WASHINGTON – On the heels of aggressively suggesting that teachers carry guns to prevent further school shootings, the Republican Party is suggesting that it might be nice if the country thought about arming its dogs as well. “We realized teachers can’t be with our children at all times,” House Speaker Paul Ryan said. “So to fill in those gaps, who better to protect the kids than man’s best friend?” Though recognizing that dogs don’t have fingers to pull triggers, are borderline incapable of reason, and often hide under beds upon hearing loud noises, the party is moving forward with preliminary discussions…

ARLINGTON, Texas – Samanatha Glasier, a kindergarten teacher out of East Texas Elementary School, has recently made the decision to switch her hall pass from a rectangular block to a Magnum Desert Eagle Pistol. “I just felt the kids needed something more than a wooden block,and allowing them to have a pistol in the halls should help give us some peace in mind that our children are safe when they’re at school,” said Glasier, a Texas native. “I took them on a class field trip to the shooting range and taught them the basics so that in the case of an…

WASHINGTON – In a statement released this morning, America’s good guys with guns expressed sympathy for the Parkland, Florida victims, but reiterated their preference to “not get involved.” The statement read in part: “We’re sickened and dismayed at this violent act by a deranged individual. Our thoughts and prayers are with the bereaved families, and this event is a true tragedy, though we’d be remiss if we didn’t remind everyone that’s not on us. You’re all going to have to sort something out on your own.” The nation’s good guys with guns, long hailed by NRA spokespeople and pundits as the country’s…

COLUMBUS, Ohio – A local man is taking a different approach to Valentine’s Day this year; instead of weeks or even months of planning, realtor Mike Janis is taking care of everything on his commute home. “There’s a lot you can do to create a special night for that special person in your life, just by frantically tapping away at your phone and praying that you don’t inadvertently smash into the back of someone’s car in bumper-to-bumper traffic,” Janis said. Mike opted for this innovative approach by completely forgetting that Valentine’s Day happens at the same time every year and, additionally,…

LAKE MICHIGAN – Expressing that feelings of distrust over the past several months have been increasing, freshwater sponge Spongilla lacustris expressed to reporters late yesterday evening it was completely unaware of the repeated acts of infidelity itself was committing with itself behind its back. “Bewilderment is an understatement,” gurgled the multicellular sessile parazoan through its osculum. “I started budding and I knew immediately I was doing something behind my back with myself without myself knowing. You think you can trust yourself, but you always end up letting yourself down.” Reflecting upon the relationship as a whole, the sponge indicated that it…

LOS ANGELES – Shocking news came out of Hollywood today as beloved actor Tom Hanks reportedly exposed himself to a number of people as the benefactor of local non-profit The Hunger Initiative. For the twenty-year history of the non-profit, which feeds thousands of homeless citizens and children per year, no one knew who was fronting the costs of the operation. According to reports, Hanks walked into the organization’s headquarters this morning and flashed his checkbook. “I received an anonymous letter in 1998 offering to fund my fledgling organization in perpetuity,” said executive director Sandra Winegarten. “To have Mr. Hanks expose himself…

WEST SENECA, N.Y. – Wondering if he may have just volunteered for a birthday party-level amateur magic trick, local man Brad Haskins was offered a piece of gum as if asked to select a card from a deck of 52. The experience occurred when Haskins asked co-worker, Kyle Ebbers, for a piece of gum. Ebbers pulled a pack out of his pocket and, using a form of sleight-of-hand, pointed the pack in Haskins’ direction so a stick could easily be selected. Though sensing some sort of manipulation tactic, Haskins selected the piece which was protruding more than the others. Scanning his…

WASHINGTON – The Centers for Disease Control issued a stern warning ahead of Donald Trump’s State of the Union Tuesday, advising Americans to not stare directly at the president’s address to the nation. “I can assure you, no good will come of it,” said CDC head Brenda Fitzgerald. “Headaches, piercing bowel pain, and even immediate blindness are just a few of the guaranteed side effects of prolonged staring at what will be unfolding before your eyes.” Friedan explained that anyone watching the State of the Union for too long may also experience a deep disconnect with reality and an immense desire…

WASHINGTON – The Trump administration plans to announce a new strategy for defeating ISIS in the coming days, White House sources say. For several months, Chinese labor factories have churned out an elite team of G.I. Joes that can be deployed within the next two weeks. The vinyl-frame soldiers measure one-foot tall, making them nearly invisible to the naked eye. The elite fighting force also comes with mini ATVs for the soldiers to relentlessly search and destroy the smaller and less mobile ISIS fighters. At a meeting last week, President Trump displayed prototypes featuring limbs that flex beyond the range of…