Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

FRANKFORT, Ky. – During an announcement of a new tariff on foreign sugar imports at Sweet Tooth Candy Factory today, President Trump found himself stuck in an industrial chocolate extraction and transportation pipe. “We’re going to fight to get more jobs and better paying jobs for the loyal citizens of…um…,” Trump began to say to the assembled factory workers before spotting the factory’s open-top chocolate processing vat and licking his lips. He then excused himself from stage, explaining that he “just had to take a quick sample of that elegant, delicious…mouthwatering…..swirling, swirling, swirling American chocolate.” Workers on the scene reported that…

NEW YORK – Self-described feminist Lydia Pembroke attended a friend’s burlesque show Monday evening in a demonstration of sisterly solidarity, and while she appreciated the show’s production values, she didn’t get it at all and had to pretend otherwise. Upon greeting her friend at the stage door, Pembroke exclaimed, “I loved how vibrant the costumes were!” She hoped an effusive compliment would hide her ambivalence towards the medium. Was burlesque an inversion of the male gaze or a mere replication that masqueraded as progressive? “I love how you kept your nipples covered. That totally makes it art,” she said, almost sounding…

LAS VEGAS – As the country reels from the tragedy in Las Vegas, solace is being taken by the fact that Twitter’s new rollout of a 280-character limit for tweets is allowing twice as many thoughts and prayers to reach the victims and their loved ones. Politicians in particular are grateful to have the extra length to show just how sorry they are that their complete inaction has led to another national nightmare. “People used to say that tweeting our thoughts and prayers was the least we could do,” said West Virginian Senator Shelly Moore Capito. “But with the added length,…

WASHINGTON – Tom Price, Secretary of the U.S. Health and Human Services Department, resigned today, claiming that he wished to take some time off and spend more money with his family. Secretary Price stated that he came to the realization that resigning from his position was far easier than paying back all of the taxpayer money he had used to fund expensive vacations for his family. “With all of the money we have saved, I think we can afford a few more lavish trips,” Price said from the deck of a yacht in the national harbor. “I told everyone I wouldn’t…

PHILADELPHIA – Amid the rising tensions between the world of sports and President Donald Trump, the Phillie Phanatic became the first mascot to take a shower during the singing of the National Anthem on Wednesday. “With everything going on in the world right now, he felt he just had to do something,” said Phillies general manager Matt Klentak. “We support him 100 percent. The Phanatic has long represented the true spirit of the City of Brotherly Love, so we should expect nothing less than a display of solidarity.” Reached for comment, the Phanatic’s interpreter stated the mascot has been “extremely…

LOS ANGELES – Expressing frustration that traffic had been stopped for over thirty minutes, commuters Wednesday morning reportedly surmised that the person considering jumping from the I-110 overpass must not care at all if people are late to work. “You’d think he’d have the consideration to take his life at night or on a Saturday,” said 32-year-old accountant Jennifer Robinson. “That jerk has been sitting up there with his legs over the railing for a half-hour now, and traffic hasn’t moved an inch. I’m sorry, but some of us have jobs to get to.” “This is just great,” remarked 45-year old…

Due to the serious and mounting risk posed to time travelers, the Time Travel Advisory Board has now restricted travel to the year 2017. Persons who wish to travel to the year 2017 will need special permission from the TTAB from this date forward. The year presents special challenges for time travelers and with the growing number of time travelers visiting 2017 to witness some of the most bewildering moments in recorded human history for themselves, the TTAB is now limiting travel to that year. “For many people, 2017 is a year they can’t even believe actually happened,” said Myron Littlebaum,…

FOXBORO, Mass. – After the dog days of summer, in which golf, tennis, and baseball dominate the sporting landscape, sports fans nationwide are thrilled to see the return of traumatic brain injury season. Brain injury season, sometimes referred to as concussion season, sweeps the country every year, starting in late August and sometimes extending into the new year. True fans of blunt force head trauma swear it’s a lifelong commitment. “It’s the best!” said twice concussed Jackson LePage, a former athlete from Greenville, South Carolina. “Something about the pageantry of teams wearing the same color as their fans while hiding the truth…

WASHINGTON – As Congress returns from recess to a packed agenda, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) is  already throwing up roadblocks as he vowed not to act on a single piece of legislature until a bill to repeal and replace everything he has done, said or thought for the last fifty years was passed through both chambers and sent on to the President to sign. “Having spent the last five decades of my life in politics, and after consulting with a number of experts in the field, I know that my constituents and the country at large will be best…