Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

BOSTON – Yesterday, Mark Evans woke up from a coma more than seventeen years after a horrific car crash that almost claimed his life speaking fluent Smash Mouth. The 35-year-old woke up with bed sores and said to a nearby nurse, “Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me.” The nurse adjusted his bedding then quickly contacted his family. When asked about the accident that led to his coma, Mark explained “I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed,” adding “Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.” Reckless driving was the cause of Mark’s accident, and he…

HEAVEN – Citing significant safety concerns, about 3.4 billion human males were recalled last week by Heaven’s Department of Product Safety. With numerous harassment incidents coming to light, God has mandated that the department begin an immediate recall before men can inflict more harm on human females and the few human males not affected by the recall. While the scale of this recall is unprecedented, according to the recall notice “you can’t be too careful.” The notice goes on to note, “…we’ve found a high percentage of men engaging in behavior that we never anticipated and didn’t detect despite eons of…

CEDAR FALLS, Iowa – Hoping to get a jumpstart on the holiday shopping season, Gerald Colsen has already begun camping in front of his home computer with the hopes of grabbing the best Black Friday deals. “It’s really important to be prepared early,” Gerald said while bundled up in a winter jacket with matching hat and gloves. “There are so many different sites you need to hit, and the web traffic is always horrendous.” Sitting in a fold-out chair and nursing a cup of hot chocolate his wife Nancy had brought him, Gerald laid out his game plan for navigating one…

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone, and now that the last bite of green bean casserole has been choked down and your uncle has wrapped up his defense of Roy Moore, it’s off to the nearest shopping center for an even more deeply-rooted American tradition: Black Friday. However, one department store giant is taking a somewhat unusual approach. This year, Walmart will only give you their Black Friday discounts if you can answer their riddles three. The following set of riddles were posted to their website this morning: 1. If you want our discount on a Samsung Smart TV, tell…

Mouths agape and eyes fixed on their clasped hands, Americans at dining tables across the country today struggled to name something they were thankful for when called upon. “Oh, uhhh,” said Cleveland man George Kranish. “Boy. Hoo boy. [prolonged sigh]. Karen? You want to field this one?” While Americans earnestly sought a positive sentiment to share with their loved ones, all found themselves unable to finish the simple statement “I’m thankful for…,” with many bursting into tears, crying out in frustration, or just staring vacantly at their children. “If nothing else, normally I would have used “our health,” said Duluth…

WASHINGTON – In an impromptu White House press conference this morning, President Trump, clad in a tight-fitting turkey costume, pardoned himself for “being delicious” as well as “any and all federal crimes he may have committed since birth.” “This is wonderful,” Mr. Trump said in unprepared remarks. “We’re here, it’s almost Thanksgiving. Pilgrims, Indians, candied yams – so tasty – mashed potatoes, pie… Jared, tell the cooks to start early. But Thanksgiving. Tremendous holiday. The best. Oh, and gotta have the turkey – not this one though. Sorry, Bobby. Also, I absolve myself of crimes – all crimes – past…

WASHINGTON – Responding to claims of pedophilia, corruption and sexual abuse among Republican lawmakers, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell took a moment today to remind voters that good can only exist as an opposite to evil. Explaining that several key figures in the Republican party have always known what goodness lies deep within the heart of man, McConnell went on to explain that Republicans have taken it upon themselves to be the “repulsive and damnable wretches that inspire our citizens to greatness.” “From what ghastly crucible would heroes emerge if not for the eldritch legislative horrors we spin?” he went on to ask the…

WASHINGTON – Confirming Congress’s long-held theories about the country, a startling new study released today by researchers at the National Rifle Association show that the U.S. is only “a few weapons purchases away” from eliminating gun violence nationwide. The 400-page study presents evidence that the nation would be a “veritable utopia” if not for the few remaining Americans, all mentioned by name, that “inexplicably don’t want to be strapped head-to-toe in the latest, most powerful firearms and tactical gear.” “Our research determines conclusively that the nation today is tantalizingly close to eradicating homicides, armed robberies, and mass-shootings,” said study co-author and…

LOS GATOS, Calif. – Looking to further cater to the growing number of users who “binge watch” TV shows, Netflix has announced a new feature which will allow viewers to skip straight to the end of the program they are watching. The new feature comes after Netflix has seen a mostly positive reaction to the “Skip Intro” feature, which allows viewers to easily skip over the opening credits of a show. Seeing this as further confirmation of the trend of viewers blowing through storylines as quickly as possible, the streaming service is betting that a “Skip to the End” feature will…