Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WASHINGTON – Confirming Congress’s long-held theories about the country, a startling new study released today by researchers at the National Rifle Association show that the U.S. is only “a few weapons purchases away” from eliminating gun violence nationwide. The 400-page study presents evidence that the nation would be a “veritable utopia” if not for the few remaining Americans, all mentioned by name, that “inexplicably don’t want to be strapped head-to-toe in the latest, most powerful firearms and tactical gear.” “Our research determines conclusively that the nation today is tantalizingly close to eradicating homicides, armed robberies, and mass-shootings,” said study co-author and…

LOS GATOS, Calif. – Looking to further cater to the growing number of users who “binge watch” TV shows, Netflix has announced a new feature which will allow viewers to skip straight to the end of the program they are watching. The new feature comes after Netflix has seen a mostly positive reaction to the “Skip Intro” feature, which allows viewers to easily skip over the opening credits of a show. Seeing this as further confirmation of the trend of viewers blowing through storylines as quickly as possible, the streaming service is betting that a “Skip to the End” feature will…

MILWAUKEE – Citing a barrage of photos and several eyewitness accounts, Facebook users were able to confirm today that a Slenderman at an area Halloween party was indeed fat. “After carefully examining the attendee, Brian Saxon, from several angles within photos made available to us, we can confidently rule out any deceptive lighting,” said social media user Keith Burgett. “And while the camera does add ten pounds, that simply can’t account for what we’re seeing here today.” “Maybe he was trying for some other character, though,” Burgett allowed. Fellow partygoer Sara Denning offered clarification: “Oh, he was definitely Slenderman. Brian…

WASHINGTON – With Halloween drawing near, people across the country are preparing to celebrate. That includes the White House, where President Donald Trump has decided to forgo handing out candy in lieu of providing trick-or-treaters with electoral maps of his 2016 victory over Hillary Clinton. “Halloween is a very special time of year, very special,” Trump said. “And I want to make sure these children get something just as special. So I will be handing out copies of the 2016 electoral map, which if you remember, I won, by the biggest margin of any election. So I think the kids will really,…

WASHINGTON – As speculation runs rampant over the mental well-being of the 45th president of the United States, those close to Donald Trump are now suggesting that he may be “sundowning,” among other things. While “sundowning” refers to worsening mental ability as the day goes on in dementia or Alzheimer’s patients, in the case of the commander-in-chief, time of day seems irrelevant. “He’s definitely sundowning,” said an anonymous aide in the White House. “He’s also terrible in the morning though, so maybe he’s daytiming as well?” Daytiming is not a known medical term, but it speaks to the concept that the president…

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump made another phone call to a fallen soldier’s widow this weekend, comforting her by guaranteeing that the country will finally start saying “Merry Christmas” once again this holiday season. “I got these big beautiful crowds at my rallies,” the president explained to the grieving woman on the other end of the line. “And I told them, ‘We’ll be saying it again, I can promise you that.’ And here we are. Anyway, I know that’s a very nice thing I did that you’d appreciate.” The soldier, Lt. Mark Andrews, was killed late last week in a firefight in Syria, which Trump…

WASHINGTON – Citing the mounting stress of the job and his increasingly insatiable sweet tooth, White House aides have confirmed that President Trump has begun consuming an average of two gallons of ice cream per night with dinner. “It started out as a manageable two scoops of ice cream while everyone else got one,” said one senior administration official. “But with each passing day, that amount has grown. Nobody else dares ask for dessert these days.” The official noted that the president surpassed one gallon after a healthcare bill in the Senate failed for a third time, and he consumed two full…

FRANKFORT, Ky. – During an announcement of a new tariff on foreign sugar imports at Sweet Tooth Candy Factory today, President Trump found himself stuck in an industrial chocolate extraction and transportation pipe. “We’re going to fight to get more jobs and better paying jobs for the loyal citizens of…um…,” Trump began to say to the assembled factory workers before spotting the factory’s open-top chocolate processing vat and licking his lips. He then excused himself from stage, explaining that he “just had to take a quick sample of that elegant, delicious…mouthwatering…..swirling, swirling, swirling American chocolate.” Workers on the scene reported that…

NEW YORK – Self-described feminist Lydia Pembroke attended a friend’s burlesque show Monday evening in a demonstration of sisterly solidarity, and while she appreciated the show’s production values, she didn’t get it at all and had to pretend otherwise. Upon greeting her friend at the stage door, Pembroke exclaimed, “I loved how vibrant the costumes were!” She hoped an effusive compliment would hide her ambivalence towards the medium. Was burlesque an inversion of the male gaze or a mere replication that masqueraded as progressive? “I love how you kept your nipples covered. That totally makes it art,” she said, almost sounding…

LAS VEGAS – As the country reels from the tragedy in Las Vegas, solace is being taken by the fact that Twitter’s new rollout of a 280-character limit for tweets is allowing twice as many thoughts and prayers to reach the victims and their loved ones. Politicians in particular are grateful to have the extra length to show just how sorry they are that their complete inaction has led to another national nightmare. “People used to say that tweeting our thoughts and prayers was the least we could do,” said West Virginian Senator Shelly Moore Capito. “But with the added length,…