Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

SYCAMORE, Ill. – After his girlfriend Sarah Marko mentioned trading in her 2006 Honda Civic sedan for a newer, more exciting car, area man Adam Baker reported feeling anxious, sources reported. “Sure, it’s nearing 100,000 miles and the paint has lost some luster. But we’ve been dating over five years, and her silver Civic has been good enough for her until now. It’s paid off, runs dependably and is very low maintenance.” Adam proudly pointed out the still-functional single-CD player and Garmin GPS suctioned to the dashboard, and reminisced about road trips the couple had taken together. “I don’t get…

PARIS – On a visit to France to celebrate Bastille Day, U.S. President Donald Trump wandered away from his meeting with French president Emmanuel Macron and was found leering at the Louvre Pyramid in the courtyard of the renowned museum. “You’re in such good shape,” he whispered to the structure, which was erected in 1989 and stands in stark contrast to the Louvre’s French Renaissance architecture. “Beautiful.” The pyramid, which is 71 feet tall and boasts sides that soar to 112 feet, was commissioned by former French President François Mitterrand during his first term. “She’s in such good physical shape,” Mr.…

WASHINGTON – White House aides were backed into yet another corner Friday, having to answer for why President Trump was now displaying a massive portrait of The Penguin from the movie Batman Returns. Aides who agreed to speak on the condition anonymity expressed their concern over the president’s growing admiration of one of Batman’s more eccentric villains. “Last week I saw him wandering the White House halls in a stained, gray onesie, gathering umbrellas from all the closets he could find,” one aide said. “I don’t even want to know why there are buckets of fish sitting all over the…

NAPLES, Fla. – After modeling several years for hospice and palliative care ads, local woman Myrtle Fescott, 81, stated she would like to expand her career, sources reported yesterday. “I paid for headshots at the suggestion of my granddaughter, who tells me I look young,” the striking senior said, “but a lot of my work doesn’t show my face at all. Typically it’s my hands that are featured in close-ups, overlapping the hands of younger folks.” Fescott’s portfolio includes many photographs of her reading a book in bed, smiling contentedly in a wheelchair while receiving hugs, and lying down with…

TOPEKA, Kan. – Kyle K. Kaufmann, D.D.S. has been a proud part of the Topeka community since 1993, providing affordable services and procedures such as braces, crowns, “power white” cleanings, and bleach whitening. Dr. Kaufman, who boasts the slogan “White is Right…for Your Teeth!” has devoted his career and his practice to helping the community achieve and maintain “superior whiteness.” And now, to prevent plaque from taking over his quaint, suburban neighborhood, Dr. Kaufman is spearheading a campaign aimed at elementary school-age children called the “White Pride Program” to teach kids about dental hygiene in a way that is both…

STURGEON BAY, Wis. – Softly cooing sounds of approval, out-of-town visitor Phyllis Malton was observed expressing her awe of the just-about-average paintings displayed on the walls of local gallery Art & Soul, sources confirmed Saturday. “This piece takes my breath away! It’s like it’s inviting me into the scene itself,” the spellbound shopper from Chicago whispered, referring to a 36×48 earth-toned watercolor interpretation of an uncelebrated Midwestern marsh with faceless Canada geese flying overhead. “And did you see this? I don’t believe I’ve ever seen an oil pastel of sailboats so bewitching. It’s an original, signed by the Door County…

WASHINGTON – According to White House sources, hours after President Donald Trump took office, staffers were given a laundry list of instructions about Trump, most importantly to not get him wet or feed him after midnight. “We had a similar request when George W. Bush took office,” said a former White House staffer. “We didn’t take it seriously and we ended up going to war with Iraq and the banking system collapsed. The Trump White House vowed to us that they’re going to try and do better this time, but we haven’t seen much evidence of that yet.” “He has this little…

WASHINGTON – If there’s two things the government has taught the children of America over the years, it is that one should definitely plan for the future if they want to be able to live decently, and the environment can be abused with no negative repercussions whatsoever. Now Mike Pence, our nation’s vice president, has brilliantly decided to combine both lessons into one fun experience when global warming-er, God decides to flood the Earth again with Mike’s Ark: Refuge From God’s Unpreventable Wonders. This catastrophically entertaining cruise of indeterminate length will refresh you with the sweet smells of fuel exhaust…

LOS ANGELES – Longtime working actor Daniel Day-Lewis announced his retirement from the industry this week, citing his disappointment in never landing his dream role of the superhero Spider-Man. “I worked my entire career to get that call,” Day-Lewis said. “I was pretty much just biding my time in prestige pictures, preparing for the role I know I was born to play.” Known for his devotion to method acting, Day-Lewis threw himself into the preparation for the Spider-Man role, building his own mechanical web shooters, exposing himself to hundreds of radioactive spider bites, and going so far as to hire a…

FAIRVALE, Calif. – For years, an abandoned hotel has sat lifeless twenty miles outside of our small town. Many potential buyers approached, but nobody was able to secure the desolate property. However, the wait is finally over as the hotel has gotten a vice presidential makeover, as Mike Pence and his wife Karen, also known as “Mother,” have finally purchased the building. Since most of his vice presidential duties can be done from home, Mike and Mother plan to live in the mansion that overlooks the small hotel in order the give their tenants the hands-on approach that so many hotels seem…