Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

ALEPPO, Syria – Local slacker and Aleppo High’s “Most Likely to Miss Their Own Shelling” Adnan Abdallah continues to disappoint his community by extending his gap year forcefully detained in an Australian detention center. Upon seeing images of his son hunger striking with friends at the popular detention center Nauru, 57-year-old Adnan Sr. told the press “I get it, have fun at the hands of some other nation’s human rights breaches, but at some point you have to come home and get serious about your incidental death like everyone else.” A popular move in 2016, Adnan joins thousands of like-minded asylum…

BOSTON, Mass. – Fans of horror maestro Stephen King are in for a treat this fall, as the author is releasing his brand-new book Cursed, which tells the story of a world-famous author who is forced to endure hundreds of awful, half-assed, and downright terrible adaptions of his heralded work. “I’ve written about so many things in my career,” said King, who has produced sixty books and almost two hundred short stories. “And I thought to myself, ‘What’s the most mentally horrifying thing in the world? What could drive a man to the brink of insanity?’ And then this plot popped into my…

PEACHTREE, Ga. – Mike, a father of two and a member of the Ku Klux Klan, recently attended his son’s first grade open house and he was outraged by what he saw. “I was looking through the art supplies in my son’s classroom while we were waiting for the program to start and I couldn’t believe my eyes,” Mike said. “There was a giant box of crayons, like a 64-pack probably, and all of them were worn down from use. Except for one. The white one. What a travesty.” While most would view such a discovery as a non-issue since it’s…

VIENNA, Va. – Following nearly six decades of research and preparation, noted primatologist Jane Goodall has declared she will finally begin the long-awaited second phase of her Ape Army strategy. The surprise announcement came via the Jane Goodall Institute’s website, which featured a statement by Ms. Goodall next to a graphic of a gorilla’s fist clutching a hunting knife. The statement read in part: “When I first began my work with Tanzanian chimpanzees in 1960, I was amazed at their social interactions, intelligence, and for lack of a better word, ‘humanity,’ but I was also intrigued by their thirst for violence…

WASHINGTON – Vice President Mike Pence endured another administration blunder yesterday, as he called the prostitute he was having sex with “Mother” with such wholehearted conviction over and over that she quit in the middle of the act and ran out of the hotel room. “I’ve been a part of some weird shit, but I have to draw the line somewhere,” witnesses reported the prostitute saying as she took off down the hallway. “I’ll do little boy-Mommy roleplay, but not like this.” According to Don Hemwill, the manager of the area hotel, numerous calls came to the front desk complaining of…

SYCAMORE, Ill. – After his girlfriend Sarah Marko mentioned trading in her 2006 Honda Civic sedan for a newer, more exciting car, area man Adam Baker reported feeling anxious, sources reported. “Sure, it’s nearing 100,000 miles and the paint has lost some luster. But we’ve been dating over five years, and her silver Civic has been good enough for her until now. It’s paid off, runs dependably and is very low maintenance.” Adam proudly pointed out the still-functional single-CD player and Garmin GPS suctioned to the dashboard, and reminisced about road trips the couple had taken together. “I don’t get…

PARIS – On a visit to France to celebrate Bastille Day, U.S. President Donald Trump wandered away from his meeting with French president Emmanuel Macron and was found leering at the Louvre Pyramid in the courtyard of the renowned museum. “You’re in such good shape,” he whispered to the structure, which was erected in 1989 and stands in stark contrast to the Louvre’s French Renaissance architecture. “Beautiful.” The pyramid, which is 71 feet tall and boasts sides that soar to 112 feet, was commissioned by former French President François Mitterrand during his first term. “She’s in such good physical shape,” Mr.…

WASHINGTON – White House aides were backed into yet another corner Friday, having to answer for why President Trump was now displaying a massive portrait of The Penguin from the movie Batman Returns. Aides who agreed to speak on the condition anonymity expressed their concern over the president’s growing admiration of one of Batman’s more eccentric villains. “Last week I saw him wandering the White House halls in a stained, gray onesie, gathering umbrellas from all the closets he could find,” one aide said. “I don’t even want to know why there are buckets of fish sitting all over the…

NAPLES, Fla. – After modeling several years for hospice and palliative care ads, local woman Myrtle Fescott, 81, stated she would like to expand her career, sources reported yesterday. “I paid for headshots at the suggestion of my granddaughter, who tells me I look young,” the striking senior said, “but a lot of my work doesn’t show my face at all. Typically it’s my hands that are featured in close-ups, overlapping the hands of younger folks.” Fescott’s portfolio includes many photographs of her reading a book in bed, smiling contentedly in a wheelchair while receiving hugs, and lying down with…

TOPEKA, Kan. – Kyle K. Kaufmann, D.D.S. has been a proud part of the Topeka community since 1993, providing affordable services and procedures such as braces, crowns, “power white” cleanings, and bleach whitening. Dr. Kaufman, who boasts the slogan “White is Right…for Your Teeth!” has devoted his career and his practice to helping the community achieve and maintain “superior whiteness.” And now, to prevent plaque from taking over his quaint, suburban neighborhood, Dr. Kaufman is spearheading a campaign aimed at elementary school-age children called the “White Pride Program” to teach kids about dental hygiene in a way that is both…