Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WASHINGTON – Mike Pence’s 58th birthday party ended in a gruesome scene this week as party magician Daniel Schamberg was beaten to death by the vice president for “consorting with the devil.” Vice Presidential Press Secretary Marc Lotter said the tragedy was an unfortunate mix-up.“When planning the event with Party 4U! we specifically requested wholesome entertainment and a sundae bar. While the sundae bar lived up to expectations, their definition of wholesome did not.” The whole event was captured on camera phone video. Schamberg, performing under the name “The Great Mentallo,” started with traditional magic tricks to warm up the crowd -…

WASHINGTON – In another embarrassing blunder for the Trump administration, Vice President Mike Pence attempted to start a press conference Friday without realizing the ball gag from that morning’s “Dirty Time” was still in his mouth. The VP’s aides attempted to quickly remove the gag’s three protective locks, but the damage had already been done. Photographers snapped photos of both the gag and what appeared to be crude drawings of reproductive organs emerging from the vice president’s coat pocket before each could be retrieved. Washington Democrats were fast to pounce on the gaffe, with House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi releasing a…

WASHINGTON – After several meetings with CEOs of major American manufacturers Thursday, Vice President Mike Pence was noticeably sweaty as he left the Department of Commerce, murmuring “sixty-nine percent” repeatedly while fanning himself with a silk handkerchief. A staffer, speaking under condition of anonymity, said that Pence was visibly bored during the meeting, referring to it as “number crunchers crunching numbers,” until the topic of manufacturing growth came up. Pence, said the staffer, sat up in his seat and asked the presenter to repeat himself when it was announced that the industry had experienced sixty-nine percent growth over the last quarter.…

HOUSTON – Vice President Mike Pence visited NASA’s Johnson Space Center Wednesday morning to greet the newest class of astronauts and esteemed scientists and to propose a preliminary study to find Earth’s distance from heaven. “Would I be able to see it through your telescopes?” Pence, wide-eyed with enthusiasm and hope, asked the Space Center scientists. The group of researchers exchanged glances and, not wanting to crush the vice president’s hopes, gave a series of non-committal answers about how vast the universe was, but that maybe one day humans would be able to find it. Pence was then given a…

WASHINGTON – Vice President Mike Pence fielded questions from reporters this week, admitting that the chance to be only the second-worst president in United States history has him energized. “Look, Donald is my boss, and I have to thank him for all that he’s done,” Pence said. “But he’s setting the bar so low that if I can resist the urge to deport the gays, I’m still going to be in the top forty-five.” Pundits are pointing to Donald Trump’s ability to alienate virtually every American ally, roll back basic human rights by decades, and commit to destroying the planet as the groundwork…

LOS ANGELES – The movie studio responsible for a recent box office smash is being sued by Southern California-based dad Duane Chitwood, who alleges that the film’s script is actually based on one of his many legendary, late-70s mixtapes. The lawsuit filed by Chitwood claims that key elements strongly resemble a mixtape he made for a Janet Weston while in eleventh grade at Glendale High. Chitwood knows that Janet lost the mixtape while at her cousin’s house in Anaheim and that it’s entirely likely that the tasty grooves on the ninety-minute Maxell tape made their way into the movie studio’s hands.…

WASHINGTON – President Donald’s Trump first international trip is being extended “a little while.” According to a letter from the White House, President Trump is following up a nine-day trip that started in Saudi Arabia and ended in Italy with an additional trip to Riyadh. A letter to the press signed by President Trump states that the president is busy “working on additional diplomatic deals” in Saudi Arabia. It comes as the President’s son-in-law Jared Kushner is said to be the subject of an FBI investigation involving Russian collusion, the latest in a series of scandals that have engulfed the Trump…

ASHEVILLE, N.C. – Subway patron Kevin Travers, 28, left the popular sandwich chain agitated Saturday after the sandwich artist on duty had a real fucking attitude about his request for a Chicken & Bacon Ranch sandwich with no additional toppings. “Really, that’s it? No lettuce, tomatoes, red onions, green peppers?” said the Subway employee, identified only as Brad, incredulously. “Not even some banana peppers, or maybe some spinach? So just no vegetables at all, then?” he continued, looking down at the flat, limp sandwich in disgust and sighing audibly. “What is he, my fucking mother? I just want meat and cheese, I don’t…

BOSTON – At last, the search for the Fountain of Youth is over. In an article in the world-renowned scientific journal Nature, a team of Oxford researchers studying the mechanisms of aging reported that they had identified the first human being who will live indefinitely and that human being happens to be the basketball superstar LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers. The report sent shockwaves through the scientific world and shivers down the spines of NBA general managers. Despite recent advances in aging research, the scientific community was blindsided by the news. “I predicted this moment would come, but I had…

NEW YORK CITY – Early this morning, Fox News founder Roger Ailes was found dead at age 77 shortly before his body dissolved into a gelatinous pink goop and slimed its way into the New York City sewer system. “It truly is a momentous occasion,” said Sean Hannity, now the newly appointed Agent of the Damned. “Creating a cable news behemoth was just the beginning. Now Ailes has the power he desired for so long to turn not just Fox News, but the entire world, into a hateful realm full of spite and malice.” Though the news is surprising to…