Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

NAPLES, Fla. – After modeling several years for hospice and palliative care ads, local woman Myrtle Fescott, 81, stated she would like to expand her career, sources reported yesterday. “I paid for headshots at the suggestion of my granddaughter, who tells me I look young,” the striking senior said, “but a lot of my work doesn’t show my face at all. Typically it’s my hands that are featured in close-ups, overlapping the hands of younger folks.” Fescott’s portfolio includes many photographs of her reading a book in bed, smiling contentedly in a wheelchair while receiving hugs, and lying down with…

TOPEKA, Kan. – Kyle K. Kaufmann, D.D.S. has been a proud part of the Topeka community since 1993, providing affordable services and procedures such as braces, crowns, “power white” cleanings, and bleach whitening. Dr. Kaufman, who boasts the slogan “White is Right…for Your Teeth!” has devoted his career and his practice to helping the community achieve and maintain “superior whiteness.” And now, to prevent plaque from taking over his quaint, suburban neighborhood, Dr. Kaufman is spearheading a campaign aimed at elementary school-age children called the “White Pride Program” to teach kids about dental hygiene in a way that is both…

STURGEON BAY, Wis. – Softly cooing sounds of approval, out-of-town visitor Phyllis Malton was observed expressing her awe of the just-about-average paintings displayed on the walls of local gallery Art & Soul, sources confirmed Saturday. “This piece takes my breath away! It’s like it’s inviting me into the scene itself,” the spellbound shopper from Chicago whispered, referring to a 36×48 earth-toned watercolor interpretation of an uncelebrated Midwestern marsh with faceless Canada geese flying overhead. “And did you see this? I don’t believe I’ve ever seen an oil pastel of sailboats so bewitching. It’s an original, signed by the Door County…

WASHINGTON – According to White House sources, hours after President Donald Trump took office, staffers were given a laundry list of instructions about Trump, most importantly to not get him wet or feed him after midnight. “We had a similar request when George W. Bush took office,” said a former White House staffer. “We didn’t take it seriously and we ended up going to war with Iraq and the banking system collapsed. The Trump White House vowed to us that they’re going to try and do better this time, but we haven’t seen much evidence of that yet.” “He has this little…

WASHINGTON – If there’s two things the government has taught the children of America over the years, it is that one should definitely plan for the future if they want to be able to live decently, and the environment can be abused with no negative repercussions whatsoever. Now Mike Pence, our nation’s vice president, has brilliantly decided to combine both lessons into one fun experience when global warming-er, God decides to flood the Earth again with Mike’s Ark: Refuge From God’s Unpreventable Wonders. This catastrophically entertaining cruise of indeterminate length will refresh you with the sweet smells of fuel exhaust…

LOS ANGELES – Longtime working actor Daniel Day-Lewis announced his retirement from the industry this week, citing his disappointment in never landing his dream role of the superhero Spider-Man. “I worked my entire career to get that call,” Day-Lewis said. “I was pretty much just biding my time in prestige pictures, preparing for the role I know I was born to play.” Known for his devotion to method acting, Day-Lewis threw himself into the preparation for the Spider-Man role, building his own mechanical web shooters, exposing himself to hundreds of radioactive spider bites, and going so far as to hire a…

FAIRVALE, Calif. – For years, an abandoned hotel has sat lifeless twenty miles outside of our small town. Many potential buyers approached, but nobody was able to secure the desolate property. However, the wait is finally over as the hotel has gotten a vice presidential makeover, as Mike Pence and his wife Karen, also known as “Mother,” have finally purchased the building. Since most of his vice presidential duties can be done from home, Mike and Mother plan to live in the mansion that overlooks the small hotel in order the give their tenants the hands-on approach that so many hotels seem…

WASHINGTON – Mike Pence’s 58th birthday party ended in a gruesome scene this week as party magician Daniel Schamberg was beaten to death by the vice president for “consorting with the devil.” Vice Presidential Press Secretary Marc Lotter said the tragedy was an unfortunate mix-up.“When planning the event with Party 4U! we specifically requested wholesome entertainment and a sundae bar. While the sundae bar lived up to expectations, their definition of wholesome did not.” The whole event was captured on camera phone video. Schamberg, performing under the name “The Great Mentallo,” started with traditional magic tricks to warm up the crowd -…

WASHINGTON – In another embarrassing blunder for the Trump administration, Vice President Mike Pence attempted to start a press conference Friday without realizing the ball gag from that morning’s “Dirty Time” was still in his mouth. The VP’s aides attempted to quickly remove the gag’s three protective locks, but the damage had already been done. Photographers snapped photos of both the gag and what appeared to be crude drawings of reproductive organs emerging from the vice president’s coat pocket before each could be retrieved. Washington Democrats were fast to pounce on the gaffe, with House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi releasing a…

WASHINGTON – After several meetings with CEOs of major American manufacturers Thursday, Vice President Mike Pence was noticeably sweaty as he left the Department of Commerce, murmuring “sixty-nine percent” repeatedly while fanning himself with a silk handkerchief. A staffer, speaking under condition of anonymity, said that Pence was visibly bored during the meeting, referring to it as “number crunchers crunching numbers,” until the topic of manufacturing growth came up. Pence, said the staffer, sat up in his seat and asked the presenter to repeat himself when it was announced that the industry had experienced sixty-nine percent growth over the last quarter.…