Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WASHINGTON – Pleading for a break for the sake of his own health, presidential food taster Tom Dallworth begged for a night off Thursday from ensuring that President Donald Trump’s nightly gigantic bags of candy are safe to eat. “This thing usually weighs three to five pounds each and every night,” Dallworth said. “It takes me the entire day to make sure it’s ready.” Citing the physical toll the job is taking on his body, the official White House food taster – traditionally one of the most revered positions in any administration – is desperate for a night away from the stress of ingesting…

The Riverdale Bullfrogs, a ragtag crew of underdogs, misfits, and outcasts, suffered a crushing yet utterly predictable defeat on Monday at the hands of the better-funded and more organized Mountain View Titans, by a score of 76 to 0. The Titans, whose snobbish arrogance proved to be well-founded, entered the game as heavy favorites, having won the state pee wee football league championship five years in a row. Despite a plucky spirit and arsenal of creative trick plays, the Bullfrogs’ lack of experience and athleticism was viciously exposed time and again by their rivals from the wealthier part of town,…

Robert James was hospitalized Monday evening at St. Fellacius for severe emotional distress following the traumatic discovery of his girlfriend’s tampons in his medicine cabinet. James’ girlfriend, Alana Davis, recently moved in with him and began menstruation that morning as of 8:03 AM, sources report. “Those things – what they’re used for – I can’t stop seeing…“ James stammered when doctors asked him for a description of the event. James’ eyes reportedly then glazed over and he lapsed into a state of catatonia, presumably staring into a blood-soaked hell. “He’s been like that for almost two days,” reported attending physician…

Reports are coming in detailing that you are currently sitting on the couch watching a viewing of The Matrix on TNT when you don’t really need to. Sources say you came across the movie approximately twenty minutes ago while flipping through channels. There was nothing on, and you were about to get up and do something, but then you landed on TNT and it was right in the middle of Neo’s fight with Morpheus in the training dojo.  You have been watching ever since. There is currently a near unanimous consensus among experts that you do not need to finish…

WASHINGTON – Speaking at a rally on Friday afternoon, President Donald Trump once again fired up a crowd of his most ardent supporters with a first hand account of a charming recent experience of his in the Oval Office. “You wouldn’t believe the guests I get in my office now. Presidents, Kings, Generals, and this raven, never flitting – he never flits once – still is sitting, still is sitting on this beautiful bust, and I know something about beautiful busts, okay?” Trump said. “Anyway, beautiful, pallid bust of Pallus, they tell me. And it’s right above the door. And this…

WASHINGTON – As President Trump closes in on his first 100 Games, political pundits, Washington insiders and presidential historians have released their analyses of how he measures up to previous presidents, with many being highly critical of his performance thus far. “Mr. Trump has been regularly tallying scores of 130, 140, which is unthinkable for a sitting president,” said historian David Kenrow. “We haven’t seen numbers like this since the days of William Howard Taft, but it must be remembered that he was a man in very poor health.” Washington Post columnist Melissa Hastings concurs, stating, “There’s no long game, no…

To the fans, Today is a great step forward for our club. After 130 years as a professional baseball organization, and 112 years as Cleveland’s beloved Indians, we say goodbye to an aspect of our past in an attempt to heal painful wounds and make amends to the Native American community, as well as the country as a whole. Beginning next year, we will no longer use the “Indians” name, originally coined to honor Native American baseball pioneer and Cleveland outfielder Louis Sockalexis. In its place, we have chosen to adopt another aspect of our past to help take us…

VATICAN CITY – Following their annual Lent postmortem, the Catholic Church’s marketing department has declared the religion’s annual time of sacrifice and fasting be renamed the “Whole40 Program” ahead of next year’s observance. “It’s hard enough to attract new members, but we never had to compete with trending topics before,” said Holy See Press Office Director Greg Burke. He cited concerns over Lent’s slipping Q-rating compared to other trendy restrictive dietary programs leading up to spring break as the deciding factor. Burke, credited with being the PR right hand of Pope Francis, says that this name change will be easier for…

MASON, Ohio – Local third-grade student Johnny Wilson enthusiastically revealed this week that he enjoys playing on his Little League baseball team very much, primarily because it is the only time his father displays a positive emotional reaction to him making it safely home. “Seeing my dad’s face pressed against the fence when I score a run is awesome,” Johnny said. “He’s smiling really big, which is not how he greets me when I run home to our house. He usually looks all scary and mad, like how he does while I’m running the bases. But then I slide into…