Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

KENOSHA, Wisc. – With so much on the line in her swing state home of Wisconsin, local stripper Chastity Monroe has been expertly working the poll this Election Day. “I’m just glad to be doing this for all of them,” Monroe said, as she bounced up and down the long line of people waiting to vote. “There’s nothing more fulfilling than taking care of these eager voters.” Monroe jumped at the chance to volunteer for this historic election, and both voters and fellow poll workers alike noted Tuesday that Monroe carries herself like someone who has worked the poll for…

WASHINGTON – As civil unrest grows ahead of the presidential election, amid a startling rise in COVID-19 cases around the country, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Mark Milley imposed martial law Tuesday in front of a surfing Zoom background. “I do not take this decision lightly,” Milley said, his expression grave as a surfer dude appeared to shred a particularly gnarly wave behind him. “But the time has come to use the unmatched force of the American military to bring peace to our streets.” Forced to self-quarantine due to a COVID-19 scare at the Pentagon, the Joint…

WASHINGTON – Appearing in the White House Rose Garden for a prepared statement on the anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, President Trump described his personal experiences on the day, including catching and saving the infamous “Falling Man.” “I was there, standing there – when the planes hit – I was downtown a lot then, you know?” the president said. “And this guy, he’s, I see him. He’s up there. WAY up there, but I have good eyes, the best they tell me. Doctors have said that. Can you believe that? ‘Sir, nobody has better vision than you.’ And this…

Credit: Gage Skidmore WASHINGTON – Health officials at the Democratic National Committee have issued an alert to registered voters across the United States, warning about the growth of a novel virus known to result in Medicare For All (M4A-1). According to experts, individuals infected with the virus have an “excessive and unhealthy interest in guaranteeing medical care to all humans as a right.” The DNC has been working closely with CNN, MSNBC and other mainstream media outlets to curb the spread of the disease, which has reached pandemic proportions. An estimated forty million cases have already been confirmed in the…

BROCKWAY, Pa. – A 127-year-old Spanish flu survivor has said that the 1918 pandemic, considered the worst pandemic in human history, “was just a bunch of hogwash.”  Pennsylvania-born Gup Crinkleford has survived some of America’s most troubling times, but he wasn’t fooled by the pandemic of 1918. “A bunch of horse hockey is what it was,” Crinkleford said, adamant that the pandemic, which killed fifty million people, wasn’t really as bad as everyone thought. “Look son, the whole thing was just a big crock,” the illiterate high school dropout said. “If it was so bad, how come nobody I know…

TEXARKANA, Texas – Heating a pot of coffee and skillet of beans over an open fire in the golden light of morning, Texas man Pete “Ten-Gallon” Lawson wondered if researchers had tested the effects of wearing a “big ol’ Stetson” on viral spread as the novel coronavirus continues to stretch from “hill to holler.” “I ain’t no scientist, but I reckon a ridge top or even a pinched front [hat style] might help stop some of those germs lopin’ along devil-may-care,” Lawson said. “They sure as hell kept a mite a rain off my hide out in the high lonesome.”…

WASHINGTON – In its annual report to Congress, the Pentagon today informed members of the Armed Services committee that the United States military response to a nuclear strike was currently at “something like three hours, or however long a game of golf takes.” They went on to warn that if the president were to attempt to tackle a truly challenging course like Oakmont or Bull Valley, casualties may reach as high as 75% of the U.S. population. The possibility of a particularly tricky sandtrap was also seen as highly concerning. Additionally, military analysts were undergoing “catastrophic event” simulations, should the…

After a landmark deal with the Devil in February this year, the Trump administration has continued its payout of over 118,00 American-made souls in return for a reelection in November. But the sudden oversupply of souls to the Devil has led to record-low returns on retail-level devil deals. “We’re absolutely overwhelmed by souls at the moment,” said Satan, Prince of Hell and Lead Negotiator for Netherworld, Inc. “We originally promised to deliver a reelection to Donald Trump in exchange for a sacrifice of just 50,000 citizens. To say he overdelivered would be the understatement of the century.” But the sudden…

OZ – The Wizard of Oz is being questioned by the city council for using $1.2 billion in emergency funds to build a yellow brick road connecting the city with Munchkin Land. The wizard has defended the use of funds as not only “necessary” and “urgent,” but also as “good for tourism.” At Thursday’s council meeting, however, Council Member Apple Tree referred to the spending as “wasteful” and said there was no public support for the project. “This road is massive and could easily have been paved with another, less expensive material aside from these custom yellow bricks,” Apple Tree…

As graduation ceremonies across the nation are threatened by cancellation or delays, high school graduates are wondering where and how they can commemorate their last few moments of joy before they head off to pursue the career of their parents’ dreams. Thanks to the COVID-19 pandemic, students are now left pondering dilemmas like, “What other time in my life am I going to get to be in the same room as my best friend, the guy I lost my virginity to AND the gym teacher who I’m pretty sure has been hitting on me this whole time?” and the obvious…