Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WASHINGTON – Defense Secretary nominee Pete Hegseth was one of the excited attendees at today’s inauguration. Reports say in the lead up to Trump being officially sworn in as the 47th president, a distracted and stumbling Hegseth raised a glass of champagne and tried to hold a toast, only to have someone stop him mid ramble and explain that they were still in the process of swearing in Trump. Hegseth downed his champagne every toast, repeating this process until, through pure attrition and luck, he happened to actually lead a celebratory toast at the right time. Witnesses from his tables…

NEW YORK – We’ve gotten word that the infamous Bobby “The Girder” Sanders has come out of retirement, breaking his solemn vow to never return to the construction yard again. Sanders claims that he’s not planning to go back to working construction full-time and that this is just one last job. Unfortunately for Sanders, when he retired the first time, he swore he was completely done with this life, and buried his tools in his basement before pouring the cement floor. Even his iconic sledgehammer was buried. “I never thought I’d need these again. I was out, ya know. But…

CAMP WAMPANAKA – We’ve now confirmed that the infamous Camp Slaughter Killer has returned despite being shot, burned alive, and drowned last summer. We have no idea why he’s come back, but if the last 14 summers are any kind of pattern, it’s safe to assume he’s planning to kill somewhere in the ballpark of a dozen teenagers using sharp objects they’ve left conveniently scattered around all of the camp’s darkest corners. The masked maniac announced his return in a fun homage to the former Chicago Bulls shooting guard, Michael Jordan. Despite having issue with his past and likely future…

UNDISCLOSED BAD GUY WAREHOUSE – Reports came in this week that another massive shootout happened at the warehouse near da docks. Witnesses on the scene, mostly from Schiortino family, are claiming that “they got him.” “No one could have survived that!” One of their heavies was heard saying after unloading his automatic pistol into some shadows and boxes. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened, with our news team having covered at least six other times the Schiortino’s supposedly “got him” in the last two weeks. “This time, it’s different,” said the Schiortino’s head soldier, grinning proudly…

CHICAGO, IL – A writer for a relatively unknown parody and pop-culture site was seen today just chilling on his laptop like he doesn’t have a damn thing he’s supposed to be doing today, despite the fact that all his Christmas decorations are still up. It’s believed that he has fully turned blinders on and doesn’t even register the tree anymore, considering he’s been smiling and nodding at a blank Wordpress page for the last six hours. Experts in the field believe that once he finishes the article he’s working on, he will say “phew” out loud to no one…

WASHINGTON DC – With 2024 having record-breaking highs in temperature nearly every single month, climate scientists have once again begged for politicians to listen to their pleas. In a hearing this week, the European Union’s Copernicus Climate Change Service (C3S) presented a multi-hour presentation explaining the science behind these temperatures, and what they could mean for the future of our planet. Sources say that after wrapping up their last line, a man in the crowd shouted, “in English, please,” leading to the scientists saying “too hot, Earth sad.” This new rephrasing was met with uproar as the entire room was…

YOUR LIVING ROOM – Early polling is pointing towards that guy who only watches football three times a year having a lot to say at your upcoming Super Bowl watch party. Our studies revealed that despite not being a fan of either team, he’s going to be inexplicably angry at minor mistakes made by both. Our statisticians have given an 89% chance of this person getting multiple players’ current teams wrong, saying they don’t want a low-scoring game, and referencing the Falcons Patriots Super Bowl like it wasn’t almost a decade ago. Our top behavioral scientists say he’s extremely likely…

What could he possibly mean by this?! Nearly every one of our nation’s defense groups were on alert this week after Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog that predicts the weather every February 2nd, seemed to have given a vague warning about this year’s upcoming Groundhog Day. Phil was seen looming from his tree hole, sporting a new, clearly evil, mask. Witnesses on the scene say he looked out at his town longingly, deep in thought, for over an hour. When asked by our man on the scene what he was thinking through, Phil only added to the confusion. “I’m tired. Tired…

In an unsurprising win, phone app Subway Surfers once again won the Golden Globe, or something. I wasn’t really paying attention. I just had the awards show on in the background while I was watching Tiktok recipe videos that would burn my apartment down if attempted. It looked like Ron from Parks and Rec won, though, and that freakin’ rocks I love that show. He eats all the bacon they have!

Source: Paramount+ Frasier mania continues its iron grip on the United States! For the 30th year in a row – since the spinoff sitcom debuted all the way through its triumphant resurgence on Paramount+ this year – Frasier is far and away the most popular baby name in the country, for both boy and girls. It seems like no matter where you go these days, you’re going to meet someone named Frasier, a trend that now looks primed to continue for generations to come. “It’s a great honor to see people treat our sitcom with such reverence,” Frasier actor Kelsey…