Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

UNDISCLOSED BAD GUY WAREHOUSE – Reports came in this week that another massive shootout happened at the warehouse near da docks. Witnesses on the scene, mostly from Schiortino family, are claiming that “they got him.” “No one could have survived that!” One of their heavies was heard saying after unloading his automatic pistol into some shadows and boxes. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened, with our news team having covered at least six other times the Schiortino’s supposedly “got him” in the last two weeks. “This time, it’s different,” said the Schiortino’s head soldier, grinning proudly…

CHICAGO, IL – A writer for a relatively unknown parody and pop-culture site was seen today just chilling on his laptop like he doesn’t have a damn thing he’s supposed to be doing today, despite the fact that all his Christmas decorations are still up. It’s believed that he has fully turned blinders on and doesn’t even register the tree anymore, considering he’s been smiling and nodding at a blank Wordpress page for the last six hours. Experts in the field believe that once he finishes the article he’s working on, he will say “phew” out loud to no one…

WASHINGTON DC – With 2024 having record-breaking highs in temperature nearly every single month, climate scientists have once again begged for politicians to listen to their pleas. In a hearing this week, the European Union’s Copernicus Climate Change Service (C3S) presented a multi-hour presentation explaining the science behind these temperatures, and what they could mean for the future of our planet. Sources say that after wrapping up their last line, a man in the crowd shouted, “in English, please,” leading to the scientists saying “too hot, Earth sad.” This new rephrasing was met with uproar as the entire room was…

YOUR LIVING ROOM – Early polling is pointing towards that guy who only watches football three times a year having a lot to say at your upcoming Super Bowl watch party. Our studies revealed that despite not being a fan of either team, he’s going to be inexplicably angry at minor mistakes made by both. Our statisticians have given an 89% chance of this person getting multiple players’ current teams wrong, saying they don’t want a low-scoring game, and referencing the Falcons Patriots Super Bowl like it wasn’t almost a decade ago. Our top behavioral scientists say he’s extremely likely…

What could he possibly mean by this?! Nearly every one of our nation’s defense groups were on alert this week after Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog that predicts the weather every February 2nd, seemed to have given a vague warning about this year’s upcoming Groundhog Day. Phil was seen looming from his tree hole, sporting a new, clearly evil, mask. Witnesses on the scene say he looked out at his town longingly, deep in thought, for over an hour. When asked by our man on the scene what he was thinking through, Phil only added to the confusion. “I’m tired. Tired…

In an unsurprising win, phone app Subway Surfers once again won the Golden Globe, or something. I wasn’t really paying attention. I just had the awards show on in the background while I was watching Tiktok recipe videos that would burn my apartment down if attempted. It looked like Ron from Parks and Rec won, though, and that freakin’ rocks I love that show. He eats all the bacon they have!

Source: Paramount+ Frasier mania continues its iron grip on the United States! For the 30th year in a row – since the spinoff sitcom debuted all the way through its triumphant resurgence on Paramount+ this year – Frasier is far and away the most popular baby name in the country, for both boy and girls. It seems like no matter where you go these days, you’re going to meet someone named Frasier, a trend that now looks primed to continue for generations to come. “It’s a great honor to see people treat our sitcom with such reverence,” Frasier actor Kelsey…

MUSHROOM KINGDOM – After working nonstop for what felt like years, course guard and cloud rider Lakitu finally took a vacation from the sanctioned go-karting of the Mushroom Kingdom. Unfortunately, tragedy struck as multiple racers suffered fatal injuries during the day’s grand prix. It seemed as if almost every racer went off the course at some point with varying degrees of consequence. It’s easy to speculate that the drivers are used to having Lakitu’s fishing line there to catch them and set them back on the course. Among the victims of what is being called the worst day in the…

Halloween heads are in for a treat, as the Hallmark Channel has finally unveiled the lineup for its much-beloved Halloween movie season, taking place throughout all of October and leading up to the big day itself. This year, the movie marathon is headlined by the premiere of Hellraiser in Love, starring Lacey Chabert and Luke Macfarlane, two of the heavy hitters in Hallmark’s rotation. “We’re so excited to bring to you the story of how Pinhead finally falls in love,” Hallmark programming executive Shane Yost said. “For too long, the Cenobites have helped others experience the ecstasy of the flesh,…

SANTA CLARA, Calif. – Sources are reporting that Suzanne Chambers, an incredibly busty and thirsty MILF, has spent the afternoon absolutely begging her well-endowed stepson for a sip of his Gatorade. “Please, Michael, I need it so bad,” a neighbor overheard Chambers saying, as she worked in her garden. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for a taste of your delicious blue Gatorade.” Those with knowledge of the situation said Michael, Chambers’ 18-year-old stepson who recently hit a growth spurt and has bulked up considerably over the summer, was initially reluctant to indulge his stepmom, not with a sip nor a…