Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

LOS ANGELES – The movie studio responsible for a recent box office smash is being sued by Southern California-based dad Duane Chitwood, who alleges that the film’s script is actually based on one of his many legendary, late-70s mixtapes. The lawsuit filed by Chitwood claims that key elements strongly resemble a mixtape he made for a Janet Weston while in eleventh grade at Glendale High. Chitwood knows that Janet lost the mixtape while at her cousin’s house in Anaheim and that it’s entirely likely that the tasty grooves on the ninety-minute Maxell tape made their way into the movie studio’s hands.…

WASHINGTON – President Donald’s Trump first international trip is being extended “a little while.” According to a letter from the White House, President Trump is following up a nine-day trip that started in Saudi Arabia and ended in Italy with an additional trip to Riyadh. A letter to the press signed by President Trump states that the president is busy “working on additional diplomatic deals” in Saudi Arabia. It comes as the President’s son-in-law Jared Kushner is said to be the subject of an FBI investigation involving Russian collusion, the latest in a series of scandals that have engulfed the Trump…

ASHEVILLE, N.C. – Subway patron Kevin Travers, 28, left the popular sandwich chain agitated Saturday after the sandwich artist on duty had a real fucking attitude about his request for a Chicken & Bacon Ranch sandwich with no additional toppings. “Really, that’s it? No lettuce, tomatoes, red onions, green peppers?” said the Subway employee, identified only as Brad, incredulously. “Not even some banana peppers, or maybe some spinach? So just no vegetables at all, then?” he continued, looking down at the flat, limp sandwich in disgust and sighing audibly. “What is he, my fucking mother? I just want meat and cheese, I don’t…

BOSTON – At last, the search for the Fountain of Youth is over. In an article in the world-renowned scientific journal Nature, a team of Oxford researchers studying the mechanisms of aging reported that they had identified the first human being who will live indefinitely and that human being happens to be the basketball superstar LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers. The report sent shockwaves through the scientific world and shivers down the spines of NBA general managers. Despite recent advances in aging research, the scientific community was blindsided by the news. “I predicted this moment would come, but I had…

NEW YORK CITY – Early this morning, Fox News founder Roger Ailes was found dead at age 77 shortly before his body dissolved into a gelatinous pink goop and slimed its way into the New York City sewer system. “It truly is a momentous occasion,” said Sean Hannity, now the newly appointed Agent of the Damned. “Creating a cable news behemoth was just the beginning. Now Ailes has the power he desired for so long to turn not just Fox News, but the entire world, into a hateful realm full of spite and malice.” Though the news is surprising to…

WASHINGTON – Pleading for a break for the sake of his own health, presidential food taster Tom Dallworth begged for a night off Thursday from ensuring that President Donald Trump’s nightly gigantic bags of candy are safe to eat. “This thing usually weighs three to five pounds each and every night,” Dallworth said. “It takes me the entire day to make sure it’s ready.” Citing the physical toll the job is taking on his body, the official White House food taster – traditionally one of the most revered positions in any administration – is desperate for a night away from the stress of ingesting…

The Riverdale Bullfrogs, a ragtag crew of underdogs, misfits, and outcasts, suffered a crushing yet utterly predictable defeat on Monday at the hands of the better-funded and more organized Mountain View Titans, by a score of 76 to 0. The Titans, whose snobbish arrogance proved to be well-founded, entered the game as heavy favorites, having won the state pee wee football league championship five years in a row. Despite a plucky spirit and arsenal of creative trick plays, the Bullfrogs’ lack of experience and athleticism was viciously exposed time and again by their rivals from the wealthier part of town,…

Robert James was hospitalized Monday evening at St. Fellacius for severe emotional distress following the traumatic discovery of his girlfriend’s tampons in his medicine cabinet. James’ girlfriend, Alana Davis, recently moved in with him and began menstruation that morning as of 8:03 AM, sources report. “Those things – what they’re used for – I can’t stop seeing…“ James stammered when doctors asked him for a description of the event. James’ eyes reportedly then glazed over and he lapsed into a state of catatonia, presumably staring into a blood-soaked hell. “He’s been like that for almost two days,” reported attending physician…

Reports are coming in detailing that you are currently sitting on the couch watching a viewing of The Matrix on TNT when you don’t really need to. Sources say you came across the movie approximately twenty minutes ago while flipping through channels. There was nothing on, and you were about to get up and do something, but then you landed on TNT and it was right in the middle of Neo’s fight with Morpheus in the training dojo.  You have been watching ever since. There is currently a near unanimous consensus among experts that you do not need to finish…

WASHINGTON – Speaking at a rally on Friday afternoon, President Donald Trump once again fired up a crowd of his most ardent supporters with a first hand account of a charming recent experience of his in the Oval Office. “You wouldn’t believe the guests I get in my office now. Presidents, Kings, Generals, and this raven, never flitting – he never flits once – still is sitting, still is sitting on this beautiful bust, and I know something about beautiful busts, okay?” Trump said. “Anyway, beautiful, pallid bust of Pallus, they tell me. And it’s right above the door. And this…