Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WASHINGTON – After several meetings with CEOs of major American manufacturers Thursday, Vice President Mike Pence was noticeably sweaty as he left the Department of Commerce, murmuring “sixty-nine percent” repeatedly while fanning himself with a silk handkerchief. A staffer, speaking under condition of anonymity, said that Pence was visibly bored during the meeting, referring to it as “number crunchers crunching numbers,” until the topic of manufacturing growth came up. Pence, said the staffer, sat up in his seat and asked the presenter to repeat himself when it was announced that the industry had experienced sixty-nine percent growth over the last quarter.…

HOUSTON – Vice President Mike Pence visited NASA’s Johnson Space Center Wednesday morning to greet the newest class of astronauts and esteemed scientists and to propose a preliminary study to find Earth’s distance from heaven. “Would I be able to see it through your telescopes?” Pence, wide-eyed with enthusiasm and hope, asked the Space Center scientists. The group of researchers exchanged glances and, not wanting to crush the vice president’s hopes, gave a series of non-committal answers about how vast the universe was, but that maybe one day humans would be able to find it. Pence was then given a…

WASHINGTON – Vice President Mike Pence fielded questions from reporters this week, admitting that the chance to be only the second-worst president in United States history has him energized. “Look, Donald is my boss, and I have to thank him for all that he’s done,” Pence said. “But he’s setting the bar so low that if I can resist the urge to deport the gays, I’m still going to be in the top forty-five.” Pundits are pointing to Donald Trump’s ability to alienate virtually every American ally, roll back basic human rights by decades, and commit to destroying the planet as the groundwork…

LOS ANGELES – The movie studio responsible for a recent box office smash is being sued by Southern California-based dad Duane Chitwood, who alleges that the film’s script is actually based on one of his many legendary, late-70s mixtapes. The lawsuit filed by Chitwood claims that key elements strongly resemble a mixtape he made for a Janet Weston while in eleventh grade at Glendale High. Chitwood knows that Janet lost the mixtape while at her cousin’s house in Anaheim and that it’s entirely likely that the tasty grooves on the ninety-minute Maxell tape made their way into the movie studio’s hands.…

WASHINGTON – President Donald’s Trump first international trip is being extended “a little while.” According to a letter from the White House, President Trump is following up a nine-day trip that started in Saudi Arabia and ended in Italy with an additional trip to Riyadh. A letter to the press signed by President Trump states that the president is busy “working on additional diplomatic deals” in Saudi Arabia. It comes as the President’s son-in-law Jared Kushner is said to be the subject of an FBI investigation involving Russian collusion, the latest in a series of scandals that have engulfed the Trump…

ASHEVILLE, N.C. – Subway patron Kevin Travers, 28, left the popular sandwich chain agitated Saturday after the sandwich artist on duty had a real fucking attitude about his request for a Chicken & Bacon Ranch sandwich with no additional toppings. “Really, that’s it? No lettuce, tomatoes, red onions, green peppers?” said the Subway employee, identified only as Brad, incredulously. “Not even some banana peppers, or maybe some spinach? So just no vegetables at all, then?” he continued, looking down at the flat, limp sandwich in disgust and sighing audibly. “What is he, my fucking mother? I just want meat and cheese, I don’t…

BOSTON – At last, the search for the Fountain of Youth is over. In an article in the world-renowned scientific journal Nature, a team of Oxford researchers studying the mechanisms of aging reported that they had identified the first human being who will live indefinitely and that human being happens to be the basketball superstar LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers. The report sent shockwaves through the scientific world and shivers down the spines of NBA general managers. Despite recent advances in aging research, the scientific community was blindsided by the news. “I predicted this moment would come, but I had…

NEW YORK CITY – Early this morning, Fox News founder Roger Ailes was found dead at age 77 shortly before his body dissolved into a gelatinous pink goop and slimed its way into the New York City sewer system. “It truly is a momentous occasion,” said Sean Hannity, now the newly appointed Agent of the Damned. “Creating a cable news behemoth was just the beginning. Now Ailes has the power he desired for so long to turn not just Fox News, but the entire world, into a hateful realm full of spite and malice.” Though the news is surprising to…

WASHINGTON – Pleading for a break for the sake of his own health, presidential food taster Tom Dallworth begged for a night off Thursday from ensuring that President Donald Trump’s nightly gigantic bags of candy are safe to eat. “This thing usually weighs three to five pounds each and every night,” Dallworth said. “It takes me the entire day to make sure it’s ready.” Citing the physical toll the job is taking on his body, the official White House food taster – traditionally one of the most revered positions in any administration – is desperate for a night away from the stress of ingesting…

The Riverdale Bullfrogs, a ragtag crew of underdogs, misfits, and outcasts, suffered a crushing yet utterly predictable defeat on Monday at the hands of the better-funded and more organized Mountain View Titans, by a score of 76 to 0. The Titans, whose snobbish arrogance proved to be well-founded, entered the game as heavy favorites, having won the state pee wee football league championship five years in a row. Despite a plucky spirit and arsenal of creative trick plays, the Bullfrogs’ lack of experience and athleticism was viciously exposed time and again by their rivals from the wealthier part of town,…