Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WASHINGTON – Following a particularly tumultuous week in the White House, President Donald Trump is again throwing his aides and the entire country for a loop by launching into a full-blown tirade against Poseidon, Lord and Master of the Ocean, on Twitter. Since Trump began his early-morning rant against the God of the Sea, nobody on his team has been able to figure out the source of the president’s latest feud. “None of the cable news shows were discussing Poseidon today by the time we ended the president’s TV privileges,” an unnamed White House source said. “Does he feel some sort…

THE HOLLOW TREE – Citing intense backlash and calls for boycotts of their cookies, crackers, and snacks, the Keebler elves denounced their second cousin, Attorney General Jeff Sessions, in a press conference Friday afternoon. “Jefferson is family, but we cannot sit idly by as his past comes back to haunt us all and put the business in jeopardy,” Ernest “Ernie” J. Keebler said in front of the Hollow Tree Factory, where all Keebler cookies are baked in the deliciously mysterious and magical elfin way. “We didn’t say anything when he would lecture about voter registration with cryptic racial undertones or voice…

WASHINGTON – War criminals and torture advocates tend to recede from public view after leaving office, but in recent weeks President George W. Bush has returned to the national stage and America is falling in love with him all over again. The former president, responsible for a useless $2 trillion war, the Wall Street deregulation that led to the Great Recession, and notable supporter of a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, has been winning hearts and minds around the nation as he plugs his latest book on talk shows and drive-time radio programs. And it’s not just Republicans that are…

WASHINGTON – In his first official address to Congress since assuming the presidency, Donald Trump called for a sizable increase in funds for America’s ongoing race war, making good on numerous campaign promises. “It’s a quagmire, folks,” the president said. “And you can’t stop halfway – gotta see it through. I’ve seen, believe me, you don’t know how bad it is. Chicago? You kidding me? We need the money, people. Need it. No question.” Trump’s call for further race war funding came as no surprise to Washington insiders, as national support for an increase is at its highest level in decades.…

WASHINGTON – According to multiple sources within the White House, the usually volatile President Trump has allowed his Twitter account to run silent for a prolonged stretch, thanks to the discovery of a fresh box of crayons. “We were talking to him about how to handle this transgender rights situation and mid-sentence he opened a drawer in his desk,” said an anonymous staffer. “His mouth just dropped open. He looked up at us and slowly pulled out a 48-pack of Crayolas.” Several of Trump’s aides reportedly tried to get his attention, with some staffers futilely jingling their keys, but at this…

ALEXANDRIA, Va. – The local Salvation Army got a big donation this week, as an entire intercontinental ballistic missile system was graciously bequeathed to the organization by the United States government. “Every little bit counts,” said store manager Duncan Fields, as a team of employees fiddled with the missile system’s computer to make it live. “I know someone in need could make great use of these incredibly accurate harbingers of destruction.” Writing it off as a sizable tax deduction, the government is using the opportunity to upgrade its own weapons systems. “To be honest, these ICBMs were just sitting in a hangar…

WASHINGTON – Preparations have begun for the first Hug A Newsperson Day celebration to be held on April 4th on the South Lawn of the White House. According to Press Secretary Sean Spicer, the event will include a luncheon, games, and is 100 percent definitely not a trap. “Yes, President Trump has had a somewhat acrimonious relationship with the media, but on Hug A Newsperson Day we celebrate those who dedicate their lives to informing the public. Now could you pass me that punji stick?,” said Spicer while adjusting a tripwire. Chief strategist Steve Bannon will welcome the guests, and pass out…

PHOENIX – Noting that he knows it’s “probably a bit obsessive” to have already sent you a combination of four news articles and think pieces related to President Donald Trump before noon, your friend from college promises that this Atlantic article will be the last item he shares with you today. “You just have to read this last one,” he told you over Facebook chat, referencing an article accusing Donald Trump of offending Dick Cheney with his callous rhetoric. “It gave me chills. Dick Cheney of all people. Ugh.” Sources confirm that you weren’t the only person to receive links over…

WASHINGTON – Intent on furthering its outreach to Muslims across America, the government announced today that it will expand its unpaid internment program to all followers of Islam currently living in the United States. “It’s a competitive job market out there,” stated Program Director and Secretary of Homeland Security John F. Kelly. “This mandatory internment program is a unique and historic opportunity to network and gain valuable skills, all while working under very close supervision.” Participants had mixed reactions to the expansion of the program, which started as a small pilot study at Guantanamo Bay for military-aged Muslim men. “At least…

ARLINGTON, Va. – Unsettled over a deteriorating amount of public attention, white supremacist Richard Spencer took a break from electronically distributing rhetoric hateful and harmful to anybody who doesn’t fit his own immediate demographic to revisit the now-viral events following President Donald Trump’s inauguration. “The Nazi Punch, they call it. Let me tell you what actually happened,” Spencer began, attempting to charm his followers with a tale of courage and intrigue. “Green: Pepe. White: Richard,” the Nazi sympathizer continued, taking a break from editing an article titled ‘European Supreme: On the Biological Advantages of Melanin Deficiencies.’ “Black: The fist of mine…