Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

EVANSTON, Ill. – After bracing himself for the impending emotions of bereavement and loss, local man Seth Gordon set lofty weekend goals of closing most of his Google Chrome tabs, some of which had been open since that time when Trump was still insulting just Mexicans on national television. As a social media promoter for a start-up juice company, one would expect that Gordon would be an expert at web browser organization skills, but he noted that his browser systematization skills were far from adequate. “Last year I tried to implement the habit of arranging all my tabs based on importance…

CHICAGO – Brooke Turgin of Arlington Heights announced Monday on Facebook Live that “my life is totally over” after seeing heartwarming photos online of Chicago Cubs first baseman Anthony Rizzo with his girlfriend Emily Vakos. “I didn’t know he was dating anyone. What the hell is happening,” Turgin said in a tearful account of the utter shock and horror she felt upon learning that Rizzo is off the market. After collecting herself, Turgin said her helplessness began after the wedding announcement of Cubs third baseman Kris Bryant. “Kris is taken, now Rizzo! Who’s next, Dexter Fowler? What the…he’s married too!” Turgin…

BOSTON – Area resident Clifford Trapp has been in great spirits recently. The reason for his excitement? He is currently on pace to shatter the record of human existence and live forever. “I just started looking over my stats,” the 31-year-old said. “And in all this time I haven’t died once. It’s a really remarkable streak.” Trapp has seen some setbacks, such as chicken pox at the age of five, and a bout of food poisoning when he was 23. But none of these missteps have been serious enough to derail what has thus far been an outstanding stretch of remaining alive.…

WASHINGTON – Rustling the young boy’s hair, Washington Nationals star and noted baseball bad boy Bryce Harper promised a fan Monday that he’d drill him with a home run ball in a game. “Sure kid, I’ll do you one better and crack one right at your dome,” Harper answered the boy, who asked for a home run in addition to a signed ball. “It is Opening Day after all.” Known for being the unpredictable and temperamental wild child of baseball, never shying away from a confrontation, Harper also promised another young fan that he would get into a heated verbal altercation in the…

WASHINGTON – In a stunning twist on an otherwise upbeat story, Mike Pompeo, Director of the Central Intelligence Agency, revealed today during a press conference that a plant the agency planted overseas was in fact just a plant. “After taking time to install the plant without anyone noticing, we found out that it had been compromised, and felt that we needed to explain that it was in actuality a plant the whole time,” Pompeo said. “I will say that the current administration seems to be pleased to find out that the plants were plants, and not planted to help the…

MINNEAPOLIS – Neighborhood cut-up Joe Johansson was in the middle of his tearful announcement of contracting liver cancer to the residents of Laurelwood cul-de-sac when he tumbled comically onto the ground, a move everyone agreed was “classic Johansson.” “That’s so Joe!” said next-door neighbor Susan Henderson. “He’s always wearing these crazy Hawaiian shirts and making margaritas. He’s just such a hoot.” Johansson, who was recently diagnosed with advanced angiosarcoma, had called over his neighbors under the guise of an “early spring party.” By all accounts, Joe’s recent addition of a Tiki chocolate fountain was a big hit. “Joe is always…

WASHINGTON – Republican leaders who scrambled in recent weeks to put together a replacement plan to the Affordable Care Act hit a new snag this morning after a tweet by President Trump called for the passage of the American Health Care Cat. “I call on Congress to make sure the American Health Care Cat gives access to all people who need medical care!” Trump tweeted at 3 a.m. Beltway reporters, assuming a simple typo had occurred to turn “American Health Care Act” into “American Health Care Cat,” pointed out the obvious error only to face a barrage of additional tweets from…

THE HEAVENS – Our Heavenly Father, God Almighty, extended His “thoughts and prayers to all the recent gun violence victims and their families” via a Facebook post Friday, admitting that it was hard to understand the recent violent acts and He was sure the victims were needed in a “better place.” He, Creator of Heaven and Earth, requested his seven billion Facebook followers to take a moment of silence and reflect on the recent victims of incomprehensible and senseless acts of violence, adding that it was the best one could do at times of disillusionment. “Violence as a way of…

WASHINGTON – Following a particularly tumultuous week in the White House, President Donald Trump is again throwing his aides and the entire country for a loop by launching into a full-blown tirade against Poseidon, Lord and Master of the Ocean, on Twitter. Since Trump began his early-morning rant against the God of the Sea, nobody on his team has been able to figure out the source of the president’s latest feud. “None of the cable news shows were discussing Poseidon today by the time we ended the president’s TV privileges,” an unnamed White House source said. “Does he feel some sort…

THE HOLLOW TREE – Citing intense backlash and calls for boycotts of their cookies, crackers, and snacks, the Keebler elves denounced their second cousin, Attorney General Jeff Sessions, in a press conference Friday afternoon. “Jefferson is family, but we cannot sit idly by as his past comes back to haunt us all and put the business in jeopardy,” Ernest “Ernie” J. Keebler said in front of the Hollow Tree Factory, where all Keebler cookies are baked in the deliciously mysterious and magical elfin way. “We didn’t say anything when he would lecture about voter registration with cryptic racial undertones or voice…