Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

BOSTON – After weeks of trekking her ass to a nearby gas station, local 25-year-old Anna Hardly recently befriended her boyfriend’s elderly neighbor Linda Johnson to ensure she’d never have to drop a fat one in her true love’s toilet. “I got the idea when I saw her struggling to pick her mail up off the ground. She was shaking real bad, and I thought, huh, I can use this to my advantage.” Hardley quickly scooped up the mail and handed it to Mrs. Johnson, adding that she’d love to see some pictures of Johnson’s grandchildren. “From there it was easy.…

WASHINGTON – As the Trump administration continues to promote isolationism, and the Republican-held Congress works to remove consumer and environmental protections, the American people expressed astonishment at just how boring the fall of America has been. “I thought there’d be robots or aliens, or at least huge explosions. I never expected it to be an old man trying to use his cellphone,” said Ft. Worth, Texas resident Diane Burgess, 37. This echoed the thoughts of millions of Americans who said the erosion of American values and withdrawal from the international stage has been less like an action movie, and more like…

CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, Ohio – Trying to conceal his smile, local 12-year-old Daniel Donaldson admitted to reporters Monday that he feels “ready to tear shit up” this Friday night. “It’ll probably be the best Friday ever,” Donaldson said with excitement, his attention split between a room of reporters and a marathon session of Minecraft. When asked to elaborate, Donaldson said, “Well, first off, I obviously have to finish school, and I have this presentation in Social Studies about, ummm, whatchamacallit…” he said, trailing off as the video game consumed his attention. “…the French Revolution. But I’m, like, basically done with all that, I…

EVANSTON, Ill. – Reports confirm that after exploring several options like ‘Fuck You Sally,’ ‘Fuck You Billy’ and ‘Fuck You James,’ at press time the office thermostat was finally set to a non-discriminating ‘Fuck You’ in all rooms. “I think it’s a pretty nice setting, simple and clear, assuring no one in the entire office is comfortable at any moment or in any corner of the building, ever. Given that we are an equal opportunity company, this even lines up with our company philosophy very well,” stated the company’s president, Matt Brayer. “We previously tried ‘Fuck You Even Though Its Nice…

MADISON, Wis. – Recalling that she had left them by the microwave this time, 15-year-old Rebecca Halderman told reporters Friday that she rarely misplaces her keys now, thanks to the words “Never Forget” inscribed on her Twin Towers keychain. “It’s pretty clever to put a reminder like that on something easily forgotten,” she remarked.  “I saw it at a yard sale next to some CDs with actor Will Smith on the cover. Who knew he was a rap artist!” Halderman noted that the bottom of the towers had been engraved with the number for 9-1-1.  “I’m guessing that could be for…

GAINESVILLE, Fla. – The American Society of Wetland Scientists released its annual industry report this week, revealing that hundreds of field scientists are dragged to their death each year by swamp monsters, including swamp things, bog monsters, mossmen and muddites. “Unfortunately, this is just the nature of our line of work,” environmental scientist Timothy Gellner said. “You can’t let the thought of a swamp monster pulling you down into its swamp kingdom and making you its bride get in the way of the important work we do.” Ecologists are hopeful that the strategic release of sasquatches, natural predators of swamp monsters,…

DAYTON, Ohio – Conflicting stories and infighting continue to splinter the social structure of the entire seventh and eighth grade classes here at Pete Rose Middle School. Despite a growing consensus that he’s “completely bullshitting,” 12-year-old Trent Trebor still insists that he owns a copy of a Playboy that includes several pictures of first-year math teacher Mrs. Oates. Trebor first let two eighth graders know about the “late ’90s, or something” issue of Playboy late last week. “They were making fun of him, cause he’s kind of not cool, and then he just, like, told them that he has this magazine…

WASHINGTON – After seeing a photograph of migratory seabirds nesting on a rock, President Donald Trump vociferously claimed that “there were way more people at my inauguration on the National Mall than there were birds nesting on this rock. Way more. Way, way more.” The birds in question are common murres, seabirds that gather every spring to nest on a rock in the Yaquina Head Outstanding Natural Area in Newport, Oregon. Common murres, who are wild animals totally oblivious to anything happening in politics, use this rock as a safe place for nesting and raising chicks. Biologists estimate that up to…

ASPEN, Colo. – In a triumph spanning arts, culture, and sport, Whoopi Goldberg completed the illustrious chase for XEGOT when she landed a double-cork 900 on the final jump of the women’s Slopestyle at the X Games yesterday. Goldberg, winner of the 1990 Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in Ghost, referred to the gold medal run as one of the highlights of her career. “You know, I was nervous about hitting the switch 270 onto the rail up near the top and then stomping the 270 back off it so I could get my toes in front of me again,” she…

ATLANTA – Rumors are circulating over the specifics of God’s newest project, the 2018 flu, after biological specimens were leaked to an anonymous doctor at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention this week. “Based on electron microscopy, the virus appears to be eight nanometers slimmer than previous generations of the flu,” said the doctor. “Which is impressive because it’s twice as powerful; its RNA is now four GB [giga bases] long.” At a press conference at his headquarters in The Clouds, God addressed these rumors dressed in his signature black turtleneck and round-rimmed glasses. “There have been some complaints about…