Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WASHINGTON – Rustling the young boy’s hair, Washington Nationals star and noted baseball bad boy Bryce Harper promised a fan Monday that he’d drill him with a home run ball in a game. “Sure kid, I’ll do you one better and crack one right at your dome,” Harper answered the boy, who asked for a home run in addition to a signed ball. “It is Opening Day after all.” Known for being the unpredictable and temperamental wild child of baseball, never shying away from a confrontation, Harper also promised another young fan that he would get into a heated verbal altercation in the…

WASHINGTON – In a stunning twist on an otherwise upbeat story, Mike Pompeo, Director of the Central Intelligence Agency, revealed today during a press conference that a plant the agency planted overseas was in fact just a plant. “After taking time to install the plant without anyone noticing, we found out that it had been compromised, and felt that we needed to explain that it was in actuality a plant the whole time,” Pompeo said. “I will say that the current administration seems to be pleased to find out that the plants were plants, and not planted to help the…

MINNEAPOLIS – Neighborhood cut-up Joe Johansson was in the middle of his tearful announcement of contracting liver cancer to the residents of Laurelwood cul-de-sac when he tumbled comically onto the ground, a move everyone agreed was “classic Johansson.” “That’s so Joe!” said next-door neighbor Susan Henderson. “He’s always wearing these crazy Hawaiian shirts and making margaritas. He’s just such a hoot.” Johansson, who was recently diagnosed with advanced angiosarcoma, had called over his neighbors under the guise of an “early spring party.” By all accounts, Joe’s recent addition of a Tiki chocolate fountain was a big hit. “Joe is always…

WASHINGTON – Republican leaders who scrambled in recent weeks to put together a replacement plan to the Affordable Care Act hit a new snag this morning after a tweet by President Trump called for the passage of the American Health Care Cat. “I call on Congress to make sure the American Health Care Cat gives access to all people who need medical care!” Trump tweeted at 3 a.m. Beltway reporters, assuming a simple typo had occurred to turn “American Health Care Act” into “American Health Care Cat,” pointed out the obvious error only to face a barrage of additional tweets from…

THE HEAVENS – Our Heavenly Father, God Almighty, extended His “thoughts and prayers to all the recent gun violence victims and their families” via a Facebook post Friday, admitting that it was hard to understand the recent violent acts and He was sure the victims were needed in a “better place.” He, Creator of Heaven and Earth, requested his seven billion Facebook followers to take a moment of silence and reflect on the recent victims of incomprehensible and senseless acts of violence, adding that it was the best one could do at times of disillusionment. “Violence as a way of…

WASHINGTON – Following a particularly tumultuous week in the White House, President Donald Trump is again throwing his aides and the entire country for a loop by launching into a full-blown tirade against Poseidon, Lord and Master of the Ocean, on Twitter. Since Trump began his early-morning rant against the God of the Sea, nobody on his team has been able to figure out the source of the president’s latest feud. “None of the cable news shows were discussing Poseidon today by the time we ended the president’s TV privileges,” an unnamed White House source said. “Does he feel some sort…

THE HOLLOW TREE – Citing intense backlash and calls for boycotts of their cookies, crackers, and snacks, the Keebler elves denounced their second cousin, Attorney General Jeff Sessions, in a press conference Friday afternoon. “Jefferson is family, but we cannot sit idly by as his past comes back to haunt us all and put the business in jeopardy,” Ernest “Ernie” J. Keebler said in front of the Hollow Tree Factory, where all Keebler cookies are baked in the deliciously mysterious and magical elfin way. “We didn’t say anything when he would lecture about voter registration with cryptic racial undertones or voice…

WASHINGTON – War criminals and torture advocates tend to recede from public view after leaving office, but in recent weeks President George W. Bush has returned to the national stage and America is falling in love with him all over again. The former president, responsible for a useless $2 trillion war, the Wall Street deregulation that led to the Great Recession, and notable supporter of a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, has been winning hearts and minds around the nation as he plugs his latest book on talk shows and drive-time radio programs. And it’s not just Republicans that are…

WASHINGTON – In his first official address to Congress since assuming the presidency, Donald Trump called for a sizable increase in funds for America’s ongoing race war, making good on numerous campaign promises. “It’s a quagmire, folks,” the president said. “And you can’t stop halfway – gotta see it through. I’ve seen, believe me, you don’t know how bad it is. Chicago? You kidding me? We need the money, people. Need it. No question.” Trump’s call for further race war funding came as no surprise to Washington insiders, as national support for an increase is at its highest level in decades.…

WASHINGTON – According to multiple sources within the White House, the usually volatile President Trump has allowed his Twitter account to run silent for a prolonged stretch, thanks to the discovery of a fresh box of crayons. “We were talking to him about how to handle this transgender rights situation and mid-sentence he opened a drawer in his desk,” said an anonymous staffer. “His mouth just dropped open. He looked up at us and slowly pulled out a 48-pack of Crayolas.” Several of Trump’s aides reportedly tried to get his attention, with some staffers futilely jingling their keys, but at this…