Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

ALEXANDRIA, Va. – The local Salvation Army got a big donation this week, as an entire intercontinental ballistic missile system was graciously bequeathed to the organization by the United States government. “Every little bit counts,” said store manager Duncan Fields, as a team of employees fiddled with the missile system’s computer to make it live. “I know someone in need could make great use of these incredibly accurate harbingers of destruction.” Writing it off as a sizable tax deduction, the government is using the opportunity to upgrade its own weapons systems. “To be honest, these ICBMs were just sitting in a hangar…

WASHINGTON – Preparations have begun for the first Hug A Newsperson Day celebration to be held on April 4th on the South Lawn of the White House. According to Press Secretary Sean Spicer, the event will include a luncheon, games, and is 100 percent definitely not a trap. “Yes, President Trump has had a somewhat acrimonious relationship with the media, but on Hug A Newsperson Day we celebrate those who dedicate their lives to informing the public. Now could you pass me that punji stick?,” said Spicer while adjusting a tripwire. Chief strategist Steve Bannon will welcome the guests, and pass out…

PHOENIX – Noting that he knows it’s “probably a bit obsessive” to have already sent you a combination of four news articles and think pieces related to President Donald Trump before noon, your friend from college promises that this Atlantic article will be the last item he shares with you today. “You just have to read this last one,” he told you over Facebook chat, referencing an article accusing Donald Trump of offending Dick Cheney with his callous rhetoric. “It gave me chills. Dick Cheney of all people. Ugh.” Sources confirm that you weren’t the only person to receive links over…

WASHINGTON – Intent on furthering its outreach to Muslims across America, the government announced today that it will expand its unpaid internment program to all followers of Islam currently living in the United States. “It’s a competitive job market out there,” stated Program Director and Secretary of Homeland Security John F. Kelly. “This mandatory internment program is a unique and historic opportunity to network and gain valuable skills, all while working under very close supervision.” Participants had mixed reactions to the expansion of the program, which started as a small pilot study at Guantanamo Bay for military-aged Muslim men. “At least…

ARLINGTON, Va. – Unsettled over a deteriorating amount of public attention, white supremacist Richard Spencer took a break from electronically distributing rhetoric hateful and harmful to anybody who doesn’t fit his own immediate demographic to revisit the now-viral events following President Donald Trump’s inauguration. “The Nazi Punch, they call it. Let me tell you what actually happened,” Spencer began, attempting to charm his followers with a tale of courage and intrigue. “Green: Pepe. White: Richard,” the Nazi sympathizer continued, taking a break from editing an article titled ‘European Supreme: On the Biological Advantages of Melanin Deficiencies.’ “Black: The fist of mine…

BOSTON – After weeks of trekking her ass to a nearby gas station, local 25-year-old Anna Hardly recently befriended her boyfriend’s elderly neighbor Linda Johnson to ensure she’d never have to drop a fat one in her true love’s toilet. “I got the idea when I saw her struggling to pick her mail up off the ground. She was shaking real bad, and I thought, huh, I can use this to my advantage.” Hardley quickly scooped up the mail and handed it to Mrs. Johnson, adding that she’d love to see some pictures of Johnson’s grandchildren. “From there it was easy.…

WASHINGTON – As the Trump administration continues to promote isolationism, and the Republican-held Congress works to remove consumer and environmental protections, the American people expressed astonishment at just how boring the fall of America has been. “I thought there’d be robots or aliens, or at least huge explosions. I never expected it to be an old man trying to use his cellphone,” said Ft. Worth, Texas resident Diane Burgess, 37. This echoed the thoughts of millions of Americans who said the erosion of American values and withdrawal from the international stage has been less like an action movie, and more like…

CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, Ohio – Trying to conceal his smile, local 12-year-old Daniel Donaldson admitted to reporters Monday that he feels “ready to tear shit up” this Friday night. “It’ll probably be the best Friday ever,” Donaldson said with excitement, his attention split between a room of reporters and a marathon session of Minecraft. When asked to elaborate, Donaldson said, “Well, first off, I obviously have to finish school, and I have this presentation in Social Studies about, ummm, whatchamacallit…” he said, trailing off as the video game consumed his attention. “…the French Revolution. But I’m, like, basically done with all that, I…

EVANSTON, Ill. – Reports confirm that after exploring several options like ‘Fuck You Sally,’ ‘Fuck You Billy’ and ‘Fuck You James,’ at press time the office thermostat was finally set to a non-discriminating ‘Fuck You’ in all rooms. “I think it’s a pretty nice setting, simple and clear, assuring no one in the entire office is comfortable at any moment or in any corner of the building, ever. Given that we are an equal opportunity company, this even lines up with our company philosophy very well,” stated the company’s president, Matt Brayer. “We previously tried ‘Fuck You Even Though Its Nice…

MADISON, Wis. – Recalling that she had left them by the microwave this time, 15-year-old Rebecca Halderman told reporters Friday that she rarely misplaces her keys now, thanks to the words “Never Forget” inscribed on her Twin Towers keychain. “It’s pretty clever to put a reminder like that on something easily forgotten,” she remarked.  “I saw it at a yard sale next to some CDs with actor Will Smith on the cover. Who knew he was a rap artist!” Halderman noted that the bottom of the towers had been engraved with the number for 9-1-1.  “I’m guessing that could be for…