Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WASHINGTON – With Donald Trump’s inauguration just days away, excitement is building among white supremacists all over the country. Perhaps none are more excited for the event, though, than ex-Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan and former Senate hopeful David Duke, who is racing around these final days to find the absolute perfect robe for the inauguration ball. “Steve Bannon got me tickets and I am just freaking out,” Duke said. “I want to really ‘wow’ at the ball, but I of course don’t want to overshadow The Donald or his wife. Do I go with the all-white robe or do…

NEW YORK CITY – President-elect Donald Trump announced this morning his intent to take the upcoming oath of office on his personal copy of The Art of the Deal. The press conference, held at Trump Tower, revealed that Trump will be the first president to take the oath on a non-religious text since Theodore Roosevelt in 1902. The incoming Commander-in-Chief said that he felt that the 288-page New Testament was not substantive enough and pointed out that his own book “…has an extra 84 pages, each one fantastic,” and was therefore better. When it was pointed out that most presidents take the…

MEADSVILLE, Ind. – Fresh off the heels of another National Milk Day, hospitals around the country have started the nine-month countdown to the yearly onslaught of “Milk Day babies.” Considered the most sensual day of the year in the United States, millions of couples and one-night stands alike find the day-long celebration of the dairy product to be the perfect ingredient for an incredible, mind-altering and, ultimately, life-changing orgasm. “It’s the most romantic day of the year,” said 32-year-old Kerry Toth, who planned with her husband to make a child this Milk Day. “Everything about this day is special. Something in…

The Internet is flying off the broom handle over a new quiz by the Harry Potter fan site Pottermore, which lets users find out exactly which piece of character Severus Snape’s broken heart they are. “It’s just really incredible to know once and for all just what part of his damaged personality I am,” Harry Potter superfan Emily Rinner said through uncontrolled sobs. She went on to elaborate, but all that came out were various wet, gurgling noises. Snape is one of the most popular characters of the Harry Potter series, due to his tragic and emotional back story. It…

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation for the Preservation of Supermodels (LDFPS) is pleased to announce its largest-ever grant to save supermodels from dying out. In a historic effort, $15 million will be directed toward supermodel protection and conservation. The first round of the grant will fund on-demand eyelash extensions and spray tans, with a second round paying for unlimited bottle service. “I remember the good old days, when packs of supermodels roamed the streets of Soho and crowded the watering holes,” said DiCaprio. “The natural habitats of supermodels have been decimated. For example, Bungalow 8 has been…

BUFFALO, N.Y. – Following his release Sunday from Upstate Correctional Facility, 46-year-old ex-convict Terry Dixon hurled a heartfelt apology letter that was tied to a brick through the front window of the Flaherty residence, a family whose home Dixon had broken into and robbed at gunpoint eight years ago. “I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on the physical and emotional trauma I put the Flahertys through, and all I can hope is that they accept my humble apology,” a visibly emotional Dixon told reporters, whose note – titled, “Can you ever forgive me?” – landed in a pile of…

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The holiday season is in full swing, but sweater weather hasn’t begun yet – and it might not for awhile, according to members of President-elect Donald Trump’s staff, as Myron Ebell has begun the Environmental Protection Agency’s transition into Trump’s first term and beyond. Originally part of a grand scheme to compromise U.S. manufacturing efforts, the lie of global warming has escalated according to Ebell, hindering national money-making efforts and encouraging millions of Americans to whine loudly about air quality and rising sea levels. “I’ve never heard anyone complain about temperate Thanksgivings or living closer to the beach…

NEW YORK CITY – Faced with unrelenting stress as President-elect, increasing attacks from all sides on a daily basis, and a variety of potential investigations into his business and foundational dealings, Donald Trump has been filling up his diapers at an unprecedented clip since the election. Sources confirmed that Trump has been rage-pooping for years, and the family all but gave up trying to teach him to do otherwise a long time ago. Trump’s daughter Ivanka did not deny that her father was causing at least twelve golden diapers a day to overflow with a black, feces-like substance, but said, “To make…

WOODS HOLE, Mass. – Elated marine biologists announced today they had picked up the radio signal of giant tortoise and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell as he made his annual mating trek to the Galápagos Islands. “I know I speak for all of us at Woods Hole when I say how humbled I am to track this amazing event,” said Dr. Heidi Campbell, noting this would be the first time since last year’s migration McConnell had fucked anything other than America. “The moment Sen. McConnell lumbers onto shore, the wrinkly skin of his long, sensuous neck will prove irresistible to…

TOPEKA, Kan. – The holidays won’t be so happy for one local woman this year. Arnetta Bolin, mother of three and grandmother of ten, has been arrested on counts of insurance fraud perpetuated last year while walking home last Christmas Eve. “Grandma” Bolin, 84, alleged that she had been run over by one of Santa’s sleigh-pulling reindeer and filed a claim against Kris Kringle’s insurance, asking for nearly half a million dollars to cover medical expenses and mental anguish. But Santa Claus disputed these claims. Santa, a mythic figure inside courtrooms, declined to take the stand in trial, but his defense…