Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WASHINGTON- Wasting no time getting acclimated to his new surroundings, ten-year-old Barron Trump has already begun maiming and murdering a variety of small animals found all over the White House property, from squirrels and birds to the beloved unofficial White House stray cat Cheeto. “I put out the daily saucer of milk for Cheeto and was surprised he didn’t come by at his usual time,” said a longtime worker who wished to remain anonymous. “I did find a pile of small bones in a closet, but it’s hard to say who or what they belonged to.” In the first full day…

WASHINGTON – A brand-new report this morning reveals that yes, indeed, this is all actually fucking happening. While since November 8th U.S. citizens have known in theory that Donald Trump would eventually become the next President of the United States, many subconsciously believed that there was no way he could really become the next President of the United States. This unsubstantiated and deep-seated illusion was shattered today when D.C. residents saw, with their own eyes, workers installing stages for Mr. Trump’s inauguration, as well as mass amounts of tourists wearing red “Make America Great Again” hats and T-shirts emblazoned with at…

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With President Obama’s second term coming to a close, D.C. residents are preparing for the eighth and final White House yard sale offered by the First Family. “They always have such nice things,” said regular attendee Bethany Colson. “A few years back I got a lovely rug from the Lincoln Bedroom and one of Edith Wilson’s chiffarobes. Oh, and some cute little Hummels, too!” “Yeah, it’s a good spread,” said self-proclaimed bargain hunter Daniel Householder. “I’ve scooped up some lithographs donated by Chinese dignitaries and a few pipes Hoover used. All under fifty bucks.” Some of the…

WASHINGTON – With Donald Trump’s inauguration just days away, excitement is building among white supremacists all over the country. Perhaps none are more excited for the event, though, than ex-Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan and former Senate hopeful David Duke, who is racing around these final days to find the absolute perfect robe for the inauguration ball. “Steve Bannon got me tickets and I am just freaking out,” Duke said. “I want to really ‘wow’ at the ball, but I of course don’t want to overshadow The Donald or his wife. Do I go with the all-white robe or do…

NEW YORK CITY – President-elect Donald Trump announced this morning his intent to take the upcoming oath of office on his personal copy of The Art of the Deal. The press conference, held at Trump Tower, revealed that Trump will be the first president to take the oath on a non-religious text since Theodore Roosevelt in 1902. The incoming Commander-in-Chief said that he felt that the 288-page New Testament was not substantive enough and pointed out that his own book “…has an extra 84 pages, each one fantastic,” and was therefore better. When it was pointed out that most presidents take the…

MEADSVILLE, Ind. – Fresh off the heels of another National Milk Day, hospitals around the country have started the nine-month countdown to the yearly onslaught of “Milk Day babies.” Considered the most sensual day of the year in the United States, millions of couples and one-night stands alike find the day-long celebration of the dairy product to be the perfect ingredient for an incredible, mind-altering and, ultimately, life-changing orgasm. “It’s the most romantic day of the year,” said 32-year-old Kerry Toth, who planned with her husband to make a child this Milk Day. “Everything about this day is special. Something in…

The Internet is flying off the broom handle over a new quiz by the Harry Potter fan site Pottermore, which lets users find out exactly which piece of character Severus Snape’s broken heart they are. “It’s just really incredible to know once and for all just what part of his damaged personality I am,” Harry Potter superfan Emily Rinner said through uncontrolled sobs. She went on to elaborate, but all that came out were various wet, gurgling noises. Snape is one of the most popular characters of the Harry Potter series, due to his tragic and emotional back story. It…

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation for the Preservation of Supermodels (LDFPS) is pleased to announce its largest-ever grant to save supermodels from dying out. In a historic effort, $15 million will be directed toward supermodel protection and conservation. The first round of the grant will fund on-demand eyelash extensions and spray tans, with a second round paying for unlimited bottle service. “I remember the good old days, when packs of supermodels roamed the streets of Soho and crowded the watering holes,” said DiCaprio. “The natural habitats of supermodels have been decimated. For example, Bungalow 8 has been…

BUFFALO, N.Y. – Following his release Sunday from Upstate Correctional Facility, 46-year-old ex-convict Terry Dixon hurled a heartfelt apology letter that was tied to a brick through the front window of the Flaherty residence, a family whose home Dixon had broken into and robbed at gunpoint eight years ago. “I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on the physical and emotional trauma I put the Flahertys through, and all I can hope is that they accept my humble apology,” a visibly emotional Dixon told reporters, whose note – titled, “Can you ever forgive me?” – landed in a pile of…

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The holiday season is in full swing, but sweater weather hasn’t begun yet – and it might not for awhile, according to members of President-elect Donald Trump’s staff, as Myron Ebell has begun the Environmental Protection Agency’s transition into Trump’s first term and beyond. Originally part of a grand scheme to compromise U.S. manufacturing efforts, the lie of global warming has escalated according to Ebell, hindering national money-making efforts and encouraging millions of Americans to whine loudly about air quality and rising sea levels. “I’ve never heard anyone complain about temperate Thanksgivings or living closer to the beach…