Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

BETHLEHEM – An extra dose of surprise came some 2,000+ years ago in Bethlehem when an unusual creature found its way to the manger for the birth of lord and savior Jesus Christ; a donkey managed to snag a front row seat. Witnesses noted puzzled looks from the wise men after they visited with the infant savior. “I heard muttering,” said local herder Amir Sokhan. “They just seemed dumbfounded and mimicked the ‘hee-haw’ sound while shaking their heads.” The incident proved enormous for the legacy of the donkey. Now, more than two millennia later, the animals are still thrust into cultural…

WATERBURY, Conn. – After divorcing her longtime partner Jose Nunes, Elizabeth Gilbert recently announced that she has penned a follow-up to her hit novel Eat, Pray, Love. The sequel, entitled Eat, Eat, Eat, will be on bookshelves in time for the holidays. “I’m in a really Zen place now,” Gilbert said between bites of cookie dough ice cream and Double Stuf Oreos. “My life has never been more fulfilling.”  Rather than praying or loving, Gilbert spends most of the book binge-eating in her pajamas. Her lack of spiritual awakening makes the book a much easier read than the first novel. In…

MEDFORD, Ore. – Reaffirming their commitment to chastity, teenagers Samantha Gray and Colin Reingold told reporters Tuesday that they had made a solemn vow to remain virgins until Reingold’s parents left home for the weekend. “This is how the Lord intended it,” explained Gray.  “In His eyes, sexual intimacy should be between a man and a woman bound by the sanctity of that man or woman’s parents being at Crater Lake for two whole days.”  Gray and Reingold told reporters that without the commitment of waiting for Reingold’s parents to be well out of cell phone range, the experience would feel…

THE NORTH POLE – Santa’s Workshop released its updated Christmas list request figures this week, and the report was highlighted by a sharp uptick in worldwide requests for Nazi flags and memorabilia in 2016. “We thought this might happen given the rise of the white supremacist movement in the United States,” North Pole spokeself Seymour Gigglebuns said. “But things really ramped up after the election.” While the workshop’s official stance is that it will not produce any type of Nazi memorabilia, there have been leaner years where the elves did what had to be done to keep the operation afloat. This…

PHOENIX – Hoping to take the canine-human relationship to a higher plane of codependence, an area man is employing the power of a brand-new Logitech pet cam to keep watch over his canine friend. “For I, Wyatt, am a jealous dog lover, and I shall tend to my furbaby as a shepherd would track his sheep with GPS,” said Wyatt Simmons, 43, of Scottsdale, as he sat at work and streamed footage of Thurman, his nine-month-old Bichon Frise, cleaning his genitals. “Yea, though I see him walk through the kitchen to drink, verily shall his bowl runneth over, for I have…

NEW YORK CITY – Vice President-elect Mike Pence was in for an unpleasant surprise last weekend when, in an effort to enjoy some feminist blues rock, he was totally snubbed at a PJ Harvey concert. Concertgoers watched amusedly as the Secret Service attempted to make an opening for him in the mosh pit during “Happy and Bleeding.” Crowd members reportedly laughed and made phone videos as he was surfed to the outside of the pit before being prevented from returning to his position near the front of the stage. He then ended up standing near the bathrooms for the remainder of…

COLUMBUS – Surrounded by his family, famed war hero, astronaut and United States senator John Glenn passed away Thursday at the age of 95, but not before leaning over to his family members, pulling them close, and whispering “They’re coming” with his final breath. “Heed my words,” Glenn, said while clutching his great-grandson Zach’s shirt collar. “They’ve got me and now they’re coming for you. You’re all doomed.” Glenn managed to orbit the Earth three times in his first trip to space, despite communications with NASA constantly being interrupted by static and garbled noises no one could decipher. Since Glenn was…

ALPHARETTA, Ga. – Charles Franklin said he sees a little extra grit in his boy’s eyes. Though it likely cost him the ability to walk and feel sensations below his waist for the rest of his life, the veteran carpenter is proud of the steps towards full-fledged manhood that his son Dylan, 13, took in his three games playing tackle football through the Alpharetta Parks and Recreation program. “I’d like to think there was a moment, maybe a millisecond before a handful of his bones in his spinal cord were dislocated, where he felt like he could overcome anything life…