Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

COLUMBUS – Surrounded by his family, famed war hero, astronaut and United States senator John Glenn passed away Thursday at the age of 95, but not before leaning over to his family members, pulling them close, and whispering “They’re coming” with his final breath. “Heed my words,” Glenn, said while clutching his great-grandson Zach’s shirt collar. “They’ve got me and now they’re coming for you. You’re all doomed.” Glenn managed to orbit the Earth three times in his first trip to space, despite communications with NASA constantly being interrupted by static and garbled noises no one could decipher. Since Glenn was…

ALPHARETTA, Ga. – Charles Franklin said he sees a little extra grit in his boy’s eyes. Though it likely cost him the ability to walk and feel sensations below his waist for the rest of his life, the veteran carpenter is proud of the steps towards full-fledged manhood that his son Dylan, 13, took in his three games playing tackle football through the Alpharetta Parks and Recreation program. “I’d like to think there was a moment, maybe a millisecond before a handful of his bones in his spinal cord were dislocated, where he felt like he could overcome anything life…

BEIJING – General Tso, whose delicious sweet and spicy flavor delighted millions across the globe, was found dead today and will lie in state in Beijing for fifteen days before finally being laid to rest in a dumpster behind a shopping complex. “General Tso was an extraordinary dish and a strong leader,” said fellow military and food personality Colonel Sanders in a statement confirming Tso’s death. “This passing is a great loss to food courts, take-out restaurants, and Chinese military operations across the world.” While Tso is known primarily as a delicious entree, the decorated general has been lauded for an…

LOS ANGELES – Mark Shambaugh has been dating his current girlfriend, Jill Stephenson, for two-and-a-half years now. They’ve never taken a break from being together, rarely fight and have numerous shared interests. Shambaugh can’t imagine spending the rest of his life with anyone else. The only thing preventing him from popping the question is the looming fear that the day he chooses to propose to Stephenson will be the same date as some horrific tragedy. “I love Jill. She’s the light of my life,” Mark said. “But I couldn’t possibly imagine putting her through the turmoil of having to tell her…

MIAMI – With winter tourist season upon us again, professional scuba diver Janice Corrigan has found herself struggling to keep her head afloat. “It’s been brutal,” she gasped. “I can’t seem to catch my breath.” The biggest problem seems to be the pressure associated with the job – a pressure so great that Corrigan confesses she “feels it in my chest. Sometimes in my head, too.” She then added, “it’s like I’m getting tunnel vision.” With such stress on her body and mind, she expressed how badly she needed a break. “Sometimes I feel like I want to close my eyes,…

WASHINGTON – During what was to be his eighth and final turkey pardoning ceremony, President Obama bucked tradition Wednesday by going beyond the standard two-turkey reprieve and issuing pardons for all turkeys within the nation. “Thanksgiving is a time of togetherness and peace,” the president said. “After a year filled with senseless shootings and racially-motivated violence, do we really want to continue the bloodshed? Hasn’t there been enough?” A weary Obama added, “I don’t know. I just can’t do it to these little guys.” Based on the language of the president’s decree, “all past, present and future turkeys” are now considered…

WASHINGTON – As another Thanksgiving approaches, the age-old tradition of the U.S. president pardoning a turkey gets ready to take center stage in the nation’s capital. President Obama is putting the final touches on his Thanksgiving dad jokes as he prepares to pardon the final turkey of his presidency, and while this American tradition is silly and harmless, it didn’t stop President-elect and future Supreme Overlord Donald Trump from taking a stance on how he will handle the pardoning of turkeys. “Let’s be honest, folks. It’s a bird. And not a good-looking bird if I may say. Clearly the bird is…

NEW YORK – Taking a break from his duties overseeing Donald Trump’s transition team, Vice President-elect Mike Pence went to the 9:30 p.m. ASSSSCAT 3000 show at Chelsea’s famed UCB Theatre Monday night. Despite yelling out “conversion therapy” multiple times, the former Indiana Governor was distraught when that evening’s host, Bobby Moynihan, instead chose “pretzel” as a suggestion with which to start his monologue. Seen leaving in a huff during the final announcements, a slump-shouldered Pence was quoted as saying, “I was louder than anyone else in there. I’m pretty sure he just knew that guy. It’s not fair.” The Vice-President…