Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

PITTSBURGH – Halloween is a time for goblins and ghouls to run amok – but it’s also a time for one local man to find redemption. Registered sex offender Jon Drummond is going the extra mile this Halloween by handing out full-size candy bars to the scores of trick-or-treating children who will be visiting his house, and as far as the 67-year-old’s past heinous abuse of children goes, the community is ready to let bygones be bygones. “I’ll be honest, there have been days I wanted to go up to his house and punch his teeth in,” said neighbor Randy Norman. “But…

WASHINGTON – Continuing the time-honored seasonal tradition, President Obama issued his eighth Halloween pardon today, selecting serial murderer and cannibal Leatherface for the honor. “Halloween is a day where we celebrate the macabre, the vile, the repugnant – and they don’t get more repugnant than this big guy,” Obama said, before adding, “I mean look at this!” pointing to a viscous, black fluid oozing from Leatherface’s chest. As the recipient of this year’s pardon, Leatherface, born Jedidiah Sawyer, will be federally absolved of all past and future crimes, including those related to “kidnapping, attempted and premeditated murder, cannibalism, and felonious…

SAN FRANCISCO – As Halloween draws near, the progressive news outlet Mother Jones has unveiled a haunted house unlike any other. “It’s scary because it’s real,” said Shannon McCarthy, a 32-year-old mother of two. “You walk through this makeshift construction site and these guys just catcall you but you can’t leave. It’s really unsettling.” This continues the long tradition of Mother Jones spooking the public; past haunted houses have included standbys such as candy and spooky music, along with seminars in locked auditoriums about lead in drinking water. This year’s idea came from CEO Monika Bauerlein in an effort to replicate…

SANTA FE – Amid the ghoulish lawn ornaments and detailed, grotesque masks lining the walls, customers shopping the local Spirit Halloween store were in for an especially horrific show Tuesday, as the manager of the store, a grown adult, emerged from behind a curtain of the makeshift store inside an abandoned Kohl’s to scare everyone. “How did he get here?” visibly shaken customer Erika Gonzalez said. “Whatever led him to this point in his life has to be terrifying.” The manager, wearing a garish orange vest adorned with all sorts of large buttons, awkwardly carried a large pile of rubber severed…

House Hunters: International Escape Each half-hour episode chronicles the struggles and general angst of a wealthy, white, conventionally attractive couple as they attempt to flee America in the wake of Trump’s ascendance. Even though the xenophobic and pro-rich policies espoused by the presidential nominee do not affect them in any tangible way, they do cause a good deal of psychological suffering. Thus, tapping into their inherited wealth to move abroad is the only viable option. The couples are willing to move anywhere as long as the people are welcoming, the beaches are pristine, and the available homes have both room…

CLEVELAND – Die-hard Cleveland sports fan Renee Jones said today that she is content with the new reality we most assuredly find ourselves in and hopes that we will not jump universes again until at least the end of the month. “Whether it is some kind of new simulation program being tried out, alien brainwashing, a deity of some kind’s wrath or simply a dream,” said Jones, “I’m in for the ride.” Jones said she knew things were fishy when the Cavaliers won the championship in June (ending the city’s 52-year sports championship drought), started to become suspicious when the Indians…

At a town hall event in Arizona over the weekend, in front of a largely Hispanic audience, presidential candidate Donald Trump made the stunning revelation that he had purchased the prequel to Lou Bega’s hit single “Mambo No. 5” and would be willing to let it see the light of day if elected president. “You have to give the people what they want” Mr. Trump explained. “And this is exactly what the Latinos have been waiting for, believe me. This song, it’s so good. You won’t believe how good it is. I’m pretty sure this is the thing you people…

OSLO – Following yesterday’s report that famed musician Bob Dylan had been awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature, the Swedish institution announced today that Dylan would additionally receive the coveted prize for mumbling. “For over fifty years, Bob Dylan has demonstrated again and again that he is peerless in numerous fields, with mumbling perhaps being his most significant artistic genre,” said Nobel representative Sara Danius. “From his celebrated lyrics ‘cronhuggle semsons’ in ‘Blowin’ in the Wind’ and ‘wheezle gin blat teeeeeerrybase’ in ‘Desolation Row,’ to his numerous grunts, howls and possible sneezes during live performances, the man has shown himself to…

O’FALLON, Mo. – Citing evidence from DNA testing company 23andme, as well as her own findings on genealogy website Ancestry.com, Cassie Perkins said Wednesday she can now confidently confirm that her ex-boyfriend Matt Straywood descends from a long line of cheating douchebags. Perkins stated that people used to question Straywood about his ethnicity, often asking if he was part-douchebag, but he would shrug them off without offense or discussion, like he often shied away from talking about any of his past. Perkins swabbed saliva from his toothbrush and submitted it to 23andme, hoping to surprise Straywood with the test results on…

ATLANTA – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) issued a warning to female consumers Monday, urging them to immediately discontinue the use of novelty Donald Trump toilet paper for their ass-wiping enjoyment due to the “elevated grossout risk” of allowing Donald Trump anywhere near a pussy. The recommendation came just days after the release of Donald Trump’s now-infamous “pussy-grabbing” 2005 hot mic comments prompted pussies around the world to recoil in disgust and horror. “We understand that all consumers – men, women and children – derive immense comfort and pleasure from wiping their asses all over Donald Trump’s cocky,…