Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

CHANGSHA, China – It is an exciting time at the Shiyanhu Ecological Tourism Park in China’s Hunan province, home to a psychic monkey named Geda who accurately predicted Donald Trump’s win in the 2016 U.S. election. Geda, an esteemed macaque who began his career in fauna foresight by correctly predicting soccer wins, sealed his title as simian soothsayer by accurately predicting Portugal would win the 2016 European football championship. He is congratulated by his fellow psychic animal oracles, including a clairvoyant Indian goldfish named Chanakya III, Amish rodent Punxsutawney Phil and a Swiss guinea pig named Madame Shiva. Notably absent from…

NEW YORK – President-elect Donald Trump held his first meeting with a head of state Thursday night, sitting down with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe and spending most of the 90 minutes describing his daughter Ivanka’s breasts to Abe’s translator. “Those are really some tremendous cans, believe me,” Trump said while pointing to his daughter across the room, as Abe listened to his translator and nodded. “If she weren’t my daughter, let me tell you, I’d be doing a whole lot more than just staring.” Ever the respectful diplomat, Abe would allow Trump to finish his tangents before engaging the next…

WALPOLE, N.H. – Citing a desire to get a head start due to the immense amount of information he will eventually have to cover in the wake of Donald Trump’s presidency, documentarian Ken Burns has already begun recording introductions to his future series about World War III. “While I know a global conflict with unseen levels of destruction is now inevitable, I obviously don’t yet know the specifics,” Burns said. “So I’m recording a variety of voiceovers we can choose from at later point.” So far, Burns has recorded pieces covering numerous possible root causes of World War III, from Donald…

LONDON – First Tolberone changes its shape and now this. As the British government continues to work toward exiting the European Union in the wake of its historic referendum, candy entrepreneur Willy Wonka has come forward to say he is no longer sure he will be able to keep his world-famous chocolate factory open amidst the new challenges Brexit may bring. “They’re talking about closing off the borders. Well, I need to get my product across those borders,” Wonka explained, his normally endearing eccentricity taking on a more panicked demeanor. “I have a literal waterfall of chocolate, England can’t consume all of…

NEW YORK – Following an election season which defied all expert predictions, real estate mogul Donald Trump was named President-elect of the United States, immediately sending shockwaves of fear and revulsion throughout Donald Trump. “What?” Trump said. “No. No, no, no.” The unexpected result comes after months of Trump’s efforts to further build up his global brand and “play a goof” on decades-long associate Hillary Clinton. Sources close to Mr. Trump state that quickly after the final tally was announced at his watch party, the candidate turned to his wife, Melania, and said, “But she’s way better.” Mrs. Trump is…

NEW YORK – As polls close and the results of the 2016 election are counted, Brian Williams is reporting that there are no results available to report on yet. “This just in,” Williams said. “MSNBC does not yet have any projection on the winner.” The news came after Chuck Todd read a detailed list of all the polling places that had closed but had not yet released any results or provided any indication on how the candidates were performing. Williams then interrupted with breaking news by reporting for the ninth time that Ohio was “too close to call.” With millions of…

CHICAGO – After selling his soul to the devil to ensure a World Series victory for his beloved Chicago Cubs, 29-year-old Connor Darby is beginning to envision his eternity in hell. “Seeing my Cubbies win it for the first time in 108 years makes it totally worth it,” said Darby, who was excited to hear he’d be joined in hell by Cubs broadcasting legend Harry Caray, who sold his soul for a first-class upgrade on a 1987 flight and a barrel of peanuts that never runs out. “I’m never gonna stop partying.” Still, Darby has shifted at least some of his thoughts…

PITTSBURGH – Halloween is a time for goblins and ghouls to run amok – but it’s also a time for one local man to find redemption. Registered sex offender Jon Drummond is going the extra mile this Halloween by handing out full-size candy bars to the scores of trick-or-treating children who will be visiting his house, and as far as the 67-year-old’s past heinous abuse of children goes, the community is ready to let bygones be bygones. “I’ll be honest, there have been days I wanted to go up to his house and punch his teeth in,” said neighbor Randy Norman. “But…

WASHINGTON – Continuing the time-honored seasonal tradition, President Obama issued his eighth Halloween pardon today, selecting serial murderer and cannibal Leatherface for the honor. “Halloween is a day where we celebrate the macabre, the vile, the repugnant – and they don’t get more repugnant than this big guy,” Obama said, before adding, “I mean look at this!” pointing to a viscous, black fluid oozing from Leatherface’s chest. As the recipient of this year’s pardon, Leatherface, born Jedidiah Sawyer, will be federally absolved of all past and future crimes, including those related to “kidnapping, attempted and premeditated murder, cannibalism, and felonious…