Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

LOS ANGELES – It’s taken twenty long years of method acting, but Jared Leto is finally ready to play a raging narcissist in his next film. The actor/musician will star in the role of a lifetime, as he is set to play an arrogant actor and musician who gets away with everything under the guise of being quirky. Though the role was hotly contested by fellow egomaniacs Shia LaBeouf and James Franco, it was Leto’s unwavering and insufferable commitment to his role as the Joker that finally put him over the edge. “After seeing what he did to the rest of…

NEW YORK – The Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum in Manhattan uncoiled Wednesday, releasing the lifeless corpse of a smaller, weaker cultural institution onto 5th Avenue. The Center for Women in American Government, a nonprofit foundation that had also dwelled in the Upper East Side habitat, was hunted and killed by the powerful constriction of the Guggenheim. Fully extended, the full-grown Guggenheim measures about two city blocks long, and can attack institutions that have an annual fund of up to $850,000. The Guggenheim Museum is one of the area’s largest predators to small cultural centers, along with the fearsome Metropolitan Museum of…

WASHINGTON – When elementary school students around the country go back to class this year they’ll find an extra test added to the Presidential Youth Fitness Award qualifications. In Addition to pull-ups, push-ups and the sit & reach, President Obama has added serpentine running to the annual wellness initiative. In a Rose Garden press conference Obama stated that “our children’s ability to run in a random zig-zag-type pattern over short distances is their best defense against semi-automatic rifle fire. Be it from a coordinated terrorist attack or a disturbed individual getting back at random strangers for being called gay in the comments…

LOS ANGELES – As the entire sports world chimes in on San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick’s decision to not stand during the national anthem as a form of protest, football analysts everywhere are desperate to find an unused controversial take that will get coverage. “I saw that Rodney Harrison said Kaepernick isn’t black,” said ESPN NFL analyst Trent Dilfer. “But I’m going to take it one step further. I don’t even think Kaepernick is real. I think he’s a figment of our society’s collective imagination.” According to a leaked memo from the seldom-seen channel Fox Sports 1, anchors and analysts were…

KANSAS CITY – In a near catastrophic incident, local man Jim Brewer, 22, narrowly avoided social contact with an individual approaching on the sidewalk by pretending to be texting on his cellular device. “I was walking home from class and this old man was walking in my direction,” says the battle-scarred Brewer. “I was flipping through music at the time so I just pretended to be really engaged in a text message. Have you heard the new Blink-182 album?” Sources tell us the devious old culprit was known as Greg Anderson, a local gardener who spends his time at the community…

TOKYO – Despite the Rio Olympic Games having only recently come to a close, Tokyo mosquitoes are already putting plans in motion to develop an unstoppable new disease for 2020. “We’ve been really floored by the success that Zika was met with in Rio,” said International Mosquito Committee CEO Henry Skeeter. “Zika got more media coverage before the Games than the athletes. We really want to build off that success and strive to develop an even more Olympic-worthy disease over the next four years.” “Our friends in Rio did a great job with marketing to a global audience, but fell short…

LOS ANGELES – With two movies already wrapped up this year and three more to go, Hollywood movie star Gerard Butler is wondering what the hell he has to do to get movie studios to stop casting him. “Just mailing it in on every role isn’t working,” Butler said while on the set of a new, still-unnamed action movie that doesn’t have a script 42 days into shooting. “I’ve tried being racist, sexist and anti-Semitic. I’ve sabotaged sets, blackmailed studio executives and kidnapped their children. Nothing’s worked.” “No matter what I do, my name keeps popping up for roles. Even when…

CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa – After the massive popularity of NBC 7’s “Share to Win” Powerball promotion, station news director James Kross declared, “Screw it. That’s all we’ll do from now on.” The promotion, where anyone who shared pictures of the station’s Powerball tickets would share in the potential $390 million jackpot, garnered over 15,000 shares on social media, 5,000 times more shares than the Eastern Iowa news leader’s recent story about dangerously unsafe bridges. “If that’s all people care about, fine. That’s all they’re getting from now on!” Kross said through gritted teeth while slamming a handful of crumpled bills onto the conference…

RIO DE JANEIRO – Citing potential health concerns, unpredictable crime and the overall unpleasant outlook of the city of Rio, the ISIS agent tasked with carrying out an attack on the 2016 Olympics decided to take a pass. “I want to further the caliphate’s cause and give my life to bring down the evils of Western society as much as the next terrorist,” said the agent who requested that his identity not be revealed. “But I just looked at everything happening in Rio and thought, ‘Maybe I’ll take the next one.'” The agent makes it clear that he is perfectly willing to…

RIO DE JANEIRO – After Rio police deemed swimmer Ryan Lochte’s and three of his teammates’ claim of being robbed at gunpoint as false, the United States Olympic Committee has issued a statement begging all remaining athletes not to fuck up. “Our main goal now is getting through the remainder of the games without any more fuck-ups, screw-ups or mishaps that could anger an entire country,” said USOC CEO Scott Blackmun. “We do not condone the behavior of the four swimmers involved in the incident and from the bottom of our hearts are begging the rest of our athletes not…