Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

CLEVELAND – Die-hard Cleveland sports fan Renee Jones said today that she is content with the new reality we most assuredly find ourselves in and hopes that we will not jump universes again until at least the end of the month. “Whether it is some kind of new simulation program being tried out, alien brainwashing, a deity of some kind’s wrath or simply a dream,” said Jones, “I’m in for the ride.” Jones said she knew things were fishy when the Cavaliers won the championship in June (ending the city’s 52-year sports championship drought), started to become suspicious when the Indians…

At a town hall event in Arizona over the weekend, in front of a largely Hispanic audience, presidential candidate Donald Trump made the stunning revelation that he had purchased the prequel to Lou Bega’s hit single “Mambo No. 5” and would be willing to let it see the light of day if elected president. “You have to give the people what they want” Mr. Trump explained. “And this is exactly what the Latinos have been waiting for, believe me. This song, it’s so good. You won’t believe how good it is. I’m pretty sure this is the thing you people…

OSLO – Following yesterday’s report that famed musician Bob Dylan had been awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature, the Swedish institution announced today that Dylan would additionally receive the coveted prize for mumbling. “For over fifty years, Bob Dylan has demonstrated again and again that he is peerless in numerous fields, with mumbling perhaps being his most significant artistic genre,” said Nobel representative Sara Danius. “From his celebrated lyrics ‘cronhuggle semsons’ in ‘Blowin’ in the Wind’ and ‘wheezle gin blat teeeeeerrybase’ in ‘Desolation Row,’ to his numerous grunts, howls and possible sneezes during live performances, the man has shown himself to…

O’FALLON, Mo. – Citing evidence from DNA testing company 23andme, as well as her own findings on genealogy website Ancestry.com, Cassie Perkins said Wednesday she can now confidently confirm that her ex-boyfriend Matt Straywood descends from a long line of cheating douchebags. Perkins stated that people used to question Straywood about his ethnicity, often asking if he was part-douchebag, but he would shrug them off without offense or discussion, like he often shied away from talking about any of his past. Perkins swabbed saliva from his toothbrush and submitted it to 23andme, hoping to surprise Straywood with the test results on…

ATLANTA – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) issued a warning to female consumers Monday, urging them to immediately discontinue the use of novelty Donald Trump toilet paper for their ass-wiping enjoyment due to the “elevated grossout risk” of allowing Donald Trump anywhere near a pussy. The recommendation came just days after the release of Donald Trump’s now-infamous “pussy-grabbing” 2005 hot mic comments prompted pussies around the world to recoil in disgust and horror. “We understand that all consumers – men, women and children – derive immense comfort and pleasure from wiping their asses all over Donald Trump’s cocky,…

In response to charges of racism after doubling down on endorsing stop-and-frisk during last week’s first presidential debate, Donald Trump called in to Fox & Friends this morning to announce his new African American Outreach Program. “It’s ridiculous,” Trump said in the daily on-air phone call. “These calls of racism are terrible. Just terrible. I love the blacks. Some of the best ones work in my hotels. Great hotels. Beautiful. With wonderful security.” The Republican candidate for president then unveiled a new slogan and logo targeting African Americans. “I’ve said so, so many times that they love me, but most…

Looking out at the rowdy group of sixth graders barely able to stay in their seats after a sugar-packed lunch period, first-year teacher Tammy Duggins took a deep breath and began her lesson about history’s famous pianists Wednesday. You can reach them, Duggins thought. You can unlock their interest in learning. You can…you will get through to them. “Everyone…please…please settle down, let’s…let’s open our books to the pianists of the 18th century,” Duggins stumbled, the flop sweat becoming hot, searing and unstoppable. “Johann Sebastian Bach was a Baroque pianist…” Immediately recognizing her error, but unable to take it back, Duggins had entered…

EVANSTON, Ill. – Earlier today, local 24-year-old Lisa Paretti suffered through the ordeal of being left alone with her conscience when the chatter of her girlfriends died down for a few seconds, leading her to experience a moment of uncomfortable silence in her head. “Last time I found myself alone with myself, it got pretty awkward. To ease things over I took myself out to get a drink and the sweet thoughtless bliss that followed the ten tequila shots thankfully took care of the situation,” Paretti said while mulling over possible icebreakers to prepare for any such unfortunate encounters in the future.…

ST. LOUIS – After months of tense family conversations around the dinner table, the Davidsons were happy to report Tuesday that patriarch Marc took his burger into the den to eat while watching CBS drama NCIS on Tuesday night. “We honestly didn’t know what would happen,” said wife Karen. “With Michael Weatherly leaving the show this year, we didn’t know if he’d still watch.” Once school was out last June, and the CBS season finales aired, Marc decided they would all have every dinner at the table as a proper family, like he did growing up. Unfortunately, this led to them getting to…