Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

PERDIDO, Alabama – Walmart will be reinstating its wildly unpopular pants policy in the wake of rising COVID-19 Delta variant cases.  The retail giant announced Monday, via their Facebook page, that all customers and employees will be required to wear some form of pants, shorts or culottes at all times when inside the store.  “As the pandemic presses on, we ask that everyone respects one another by wearing any form of pants at all times when inside one of our stores. Boxer briefs, cheekies, or simply going bottomless all together will no longer be tolerated until we get this thing…

ATLANTA – The Centers for Denise Control is expected to walk back calls for another round of shots for the table, according to sources within Chugger’s Bar & Grille familiar with the matter. “While we have been very pleased about the shot efficacy and distribution thus far, we’re receiving some troubling data about this most recent round,” Denise Control Director Madison Andrews said. “Crying jags, drunk dialing an ex-boyfriend, vomiting, and alleyway peeing are all highly likely side effects. We’ve also noticed a strong uptick in demands that bartenders ‘Play T-Swift!’ I wish we had better news to share, but…

MILWAUKEE – An arrest has finally been made for the murder of rich socialite and candy mogul Edgar Stanley Franklin III. Unfortunately, further investigation has nearly immediately found that the lead detective on the case wrongfully arrested an innocent man. The murder took place in the middle of the night last Thursday at Franklin’s mansion. Franklin was the victim of multiple stab wounds to increasingly surprising places. The suspect list included many of his closest relatives, who were all staying in the mansion the night of the murder. With all the potential murderers under one roof, ace detective and former…

LONDON – Following a disturbing holiday episode in which noted moneylender Ebenezer Scrooge was found cackling, flailing, and raving to himself about “spirits,” the poor man was entrusted to local constables for depositing within Halliwick’s Asylum for the Mentally Deranged.“Oh, ‘twas dreadful. Absolutely dreadful,” said Mrs. Eustace Dilber, Scrooge’s housekeeper. “I found him meself and he was running on about ghosts of days gone by and little crippled boys’ deaths and all sorts of prattle. Handing out money he was too, which was none too customary for one like Mr. Scrooge. I knew then and there the doctors had to…

Source: Bruce F. Press NEW YORK CITY – Neil deGrasse Tyson reached a landmark in his career today when he successfully corrected every scientifically inaccurate post on the popular social media site Twitter. Tyson had been working towards this goal for quite some time and is relieved to have finally achieved success. When asked what pushed him to take on the endeavor, the astrophysicist said, “You know, I just think the internet has always been a place of total truth and accuracy, especially when it comes to something like science. I just had to touch a few things up here…

KENOSHA, Wisc. – With so much on the line in her swing state home of Wisconsin, local stripper Chastity Monroe has been expertly working the poll this Election Day. “I’m just glad to be doing this for all of them,” Monroe said, as she bounced up and down the long line of people waiting to vote. “There’s nothing more fulfilling than taking care of these eager voters.” Monroe jumped at the chance to volunteer for this historic election, and both voters and fellow poll workers alike noted Tuesday that Monroe carries herself like someone who has worked the poll for…

WASHINGTON – As civil unrest grows ahead of the presidential election, amid a startling rise in COVID-19 cases around the country, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Mark Milley imposed martial law Tuesday in front of a surfing Zoom background. “I do not take this decision lightly,” Milley said, his expression grave as a surfer dude appeared to shred a particularly gnarly wave behind him. “But the time has come to use the unmatched force of the American military to bring peace to our streets.” Forced to self-quarantine due to a COVID-19 scare at the Pentagon, the Joint…

WASHINGTON – Appearing in the White House Rose Garden for a prepared statement on the anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, President Trump described his personal experiences on the day, including catching and saving the infamous “Falling Man.” “I was there, standing there – when the planes hit – I was downtown a lot then, you know?” the president said. “And this guy, he’s, I see him. He’s up there. WAY up there, but I have good eyes, the best they tell me. Doctors have said that. Can you believe that? ‘Sir, nobody has better vision than you.’ And this…

Credit: Gage Skidmore WASHINGTON – Health officials at the Democratic National Committee have issued an alert to registered voters across the United States, warning about the growth of a novel virus known to result in Medicare For All (M4A-1). According to experts, individuals infected with the virus have an “excessive and unhealthy interest in guaranteeing medical care to all humans as a right.” The DNC has been working closely with CNN, MSNBC and other mainstream media outlets to curb the spread of the disease, which has reached pandemic proportions. An estimated forty million cases have already been confirmed in the…

BROCKWAY, Pa. – A 127-year-old Spanish flu survivor has said that the 1918 pandemic, considered the worst pandemic in human history, “was just a bunch of hogwash.”  Pennsylvania-born Gup Crinkleford has survived some of America’s most troubling times, but he wasn’t fooled by the pandemic of 1918. “A bunch of horse hockey is what it was,” Crinkleford said, adamant that the pandemic, which killed fifty million people, wasn’t really as bad as everyone thought. “Look son, the whole thing was just a big crock,” the illiterate high school dropout said. “If it was so bad, how come nobody I know…