Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

EWING, N.J. – American manufacturers have stepped in to aid the overwhelmed healthcare system as the death toll from the novel coronavirus rises, and Trojan is no exception, as America’s No. 1 condom has repurposed its factories to churn out and donate 50,000 Ultra Ribbed Lubricated Body Bags to hospitals nationwide. “During this pandemic, we are steadfast in ensuring all bodies receive maximum comfort and protection from infection,” Trojan spokesperson Wyatt Hartman said, adding that the company will deploy the Trojan Man to teach hospitals about unrolling the lubricated bags and sliding each body’s head inside the special reservoir tip.…

WASHINGTON – Amid the country’s frenzied panic buying, stock market dive, and general hysteria related to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, the United States’ Chief Panic Officer took time Wednesday to revel in his department’s unprecedented success. “This week has been better than our wildest dreams,” said Loren Yogurn, Chief Panic Officer and head of the U.S. Department of Mass Hysteria. “You’re always preparing for an event like this, and to see our team rise to the occasion, it’s the ultimate reward.” The department, which operates with a modest $5 billion annual budget, is responsible for ensuring Americans are panicking at…

BRENTWOOD, Tenn. – Graduation had an extra special attendee in the audience Saturday at West Pine High School.  Serving U.S. Marine Chuck Campbell took an unplanned leave from the military base where he is currently stationed and showed up to surprise his senior son, Rich Campbell. Stationed Marines are typically not allotted time off base except during days planned by their superiors, but Campbell made it known how important this was to him, and even volunteered to work his next three off days if allowed to go. Unfortunately for the Campbells, upon arrival at the school, it was explained to…

ST. LOUIS – Ahead of Missouri’s Democratic primary Tuesday, former vice president Joe Biden held a town hall in the middle of a busy intersection he wandered into. “Joe has never felt so spry on the campaign trail,” said spokesman Andrew Bates of the presidential hopeful’s off-script interaction with voters. “His excitement to get out there is palpable, which keeps all of us around here on our toes.” Onlookers reported seeing Biden, who stepped off his campaign bus hours earlier to “shake JFK’s hand,” weaving in and out of cars, occasionally pausing to look around with “great fear” in his…

LAS VEGAS – Presidential hopeful Mike Bloomberg shocked the nation last night with a Vegas bender that cost over $400 million and ended in an astonishing display of public humiliation that aired live on NBC. The exhibition of utter dominance began when Lester Holt, debate moderator and true daddy, asked Bloomberg about the stop-and-frisk policy he enacted as mayor of New York. Bloomberg responded that he is embarrassed about stop-and-frisk and deserves to be punished. He then leaned over his podium and moaned, “I hope I don’t get spanked for this!” Senator Elizabeth Warren obliged, reprimanding him for his racist…

BEDFORD FALLS, NY – For the twenty-fourth time in his thirty-eight years, local man George Bailey delayed his Christmas suicide once again. Bailey, a frustrated man perpetually at the end of his rope, opted not to drown himself this year after interacting with an angel, Clarence Odbody, who showed him that the happiness of his entire hometown rested on Bailey’s slumped, weary shoulders. “Yeah yeah, I’m sticking around, I guess,” Bailey said. “Another banner year for George Bailey on the way. I don’t know. Maybe I can sell a kidney to old man Potter and buy a ticket to Monte…

LOS ANGELES – The patrons of popular restaurant Rossoblu expecting a nice, quiet meal were in for a rude awakening Sunday night, as they watched in shock as beloved actor Tom Hanks slayed a couple – in front of everyone – with his razor-sharp wit. “I had to keep asking myself if I was dreaming,” said Triston Marshall, who rushed into the street to tell passersby what was happening inside the restaurant. “It was like he [Hanks] just snapped. These people were being absolutely slayed right before our eyes.” The man and woman had approached Hanks’ table, reportedly asking for an…

BOSTON – According to research published in Archives of Sexual Behavior, millennials are having less and less sex with Kyle. A recent study found that a record number of millennials now rank their interest in having sex with Kyle as between little or no interest. The study found that for the third straight year millennials had less sex with Kyle than the year before. This trend has confused many scientists and sexuality experts who believed that with the advances society has made in sexual liberation, millennials’ rather progressive views, and the rise of hundreds of dating apps, millennials would have…

CHICAGO – Following a string of social gaffes that shocked and appalled his hosts, errant drifter Del Griffith was promptly asked to leave the Page family’s Thanksgiving dinner before the turkey had even been carved. Though he successfully delivered marketer Neal Page home for the holiday as promised, Griffith’s boorish behavior instantly put him at odds with the rest of the Page family. Within moments inside their home, Griffith tracked muddy boot prints across a snow-white living room carpet, knocked over three family photos, spilled an entire jar of mustard, and asked Susan Page’s father Walt if he had “voted…

WASHINGTON – Five years into the Great Tariff Depression, total economic collapse is looking more and more likely. Unable to lower interest rates any longer, and with further money printing only exacerbating inflation issues, the Fed has landed on one final effort to try and turn things around: monetizing Pokémon Cards to be used as currency. The move has puzzled the few economists left who have not been jailed by President Trump for pointing out that planting a penny in the ground will not make a money tree grow. “Look, we tried everything else,” an exhausted Fed Chair Herman Cain…