Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

Looking out at the rowdy group of sixth graders barely able to stay in their seats after a sugar-packed lunch period, first-year teacher Tammy Duggins took a deep breath and began her lesson about history’s famous pianists Wednesday. You can reach them, Duggins thought. You can unlock their interest in learning. You can…you will get through to them. “Everyone…please…please settle down, let’s…let’s open our books to the pianists of the 18th century,” Duggins stumbled, the flop sweat becoming hot, searing and unstoppable. “Johann Sebastian Bach was a Baroque pianist…” Immediately recognizing her error, but unable to take it back, Duggins had entered…

EVANSTON, Ill. – Earlier today, local 24-year-old Lisa Paretti suffered through the ordeal of being left alone with her conscience when the chatter of her girlfriends died down for a few seconds, leading her to experience a moment of uncomfortable silence in her head. “Last time I found myself alone with myself, it got pretty awkward. To ease things over I took myself out to get a drink and the sweet thoughtless bliss that followed the ten tequila shots thankfully took care of the situation,” Paretti said while mulling over possible icebreakers to prepare for any such unfortunate encounters in the future.…

ST. LOUIS – After months of tense family conversations around the dinner table, the Davidsons were happy to report Tuesday that patriarch Marc took his burger into the den to eat while watching CBS drama NCIS on Tuesday night. “We honestly didn’t know what would happen,” said wife Karen. “With Michael Weatherly leaving the show this year, we didn’t know if he’d still watch.” Once school was out last June, and the CBS season finales aired, Marc decided they would all have every dinner at the table as a proper family, like he did growing up. Unfortunately, this led to them getting to…

NORTH BENNINGTON, Vt. – Local farmers are celebrating countywide following a record-breaking harvest, brought on by this June’s Lottery and stoning ceremony. Early estimates project a yield rich enough to “last two winters, maybe more.” “Lotta corn, lotta wheat – whole lotta tomatoes. Yah, nothing’s even come close to this in thirty, forty years,” said resident Jacob Graves. “Figure we be keepin’ that Lottery, now, won’t we?” Graves’ comment comes on the heels of renewed criticism of the annual Lottery, now in its 147th year. In recent months, some community members had called for an end to the practice, while others…

SAN FRANCISCO – In an unprecedented turn of events during an unprecedented campaign, local resident Shawn Gromek’s passionate, politically charged post on Facebook has reportedly swung millions of voters for November’s presidential election. According to reports, Gromek essentially took three headlines regarding the presidential candidates and shared them to his Facebook friends. He then added a personal opinion about how hard it is to believe that a major party leader could be so foolish. The plea for support was met with near universal acclaim. “I’ve posted my own feelings about the election before,” said Christine BeLisle, who took Economics 131 with Gromek…

CLIVE, Iowa – In light of Hillary Clinton’s bout with pneumonia, which recently forced her to leave a 9/11 memorial ceremony in New York City, presidential rival Donald Trump has expressed “serious concerns” that Clinton lacks the stamina to survive long enough to ultimately be hunted down and assassinated by Second Amendment enthusiasts. “I’m deeply concerned that my opponent is not well enough to handle the rigorous demands of the job,” Trump said at a rally in Iowa today. “Which includes being alive long enough to be assassinated by fine American patriots looking to exercise their God-given rights.” Trump reassured his…

WASHINGTON – As the weather turns autumnal and the presidential election heads into its final sprint, Republican candidate Donald Trump is seeking to bolster his ailing numbers among educated white women by promising to roll out a limited-edition, seasonal “pumpkin spice” version of himself, his top advisors have reported. “Mr. Trump will mark the beauty and majesty of America’s changing seasons by making himself available in a cozy, annual pumpkin spice version,” campaign manager Kellyanne Conway reported. “As white, college-educated female voters contemplate their choice for the next president of the United States, they should remember that a Trump victory will…

DALLAS – While traveling to various locations in his native Dallas today, former president George W. Bush paused to remember the victims of the 9/11 terror attacks. “Oh, yeah…” Bush said. “Shoot.” Though the former president was facing a busy schedule including a trip to Home Depot, grabbing some takeout from Johnny Rockets, and “looking for one of those drive-thru car washes, not the other kind,” he said he was glad he could take a moment to recall America’s fallen. “I haven’t thought about those guys, in what, fifteen years? Man, time flies,” Bush said, before adding, “Shit, I shouldn’t have…

LOS ANGELES – It’s taken twenty long years of method acting, but Jared Leto is finally ready to play a raging narcissist in his next film. The actor/musician will star in the role of a lifetime, as he is set to play an arrogant actor and musician who gets away with everything under the guise of being quirky. Though the role was hotly contested by fellow egomaniacs Shia LaBeouf and James Franco, it was Leto’s unwavering and insufferable commitment to his role as the Joker that finally put him over the edge. “After seeing what he did to the rest of…

NEW YORK – The Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum in Manhattan uncoiled Wednesday, releasing the lifeless corpse of a smaller, weaker cultural institution onto 5th Avenue. The Center for Women in American Government, a nonprofit foundation that had also dwelled in the Upper East Side habitat, was hunted and killed by the powerful constriction of the Guggenheim. Fully extended, the full-grown Guggenheim measures about two city blocks long, and can attack institutions that have an annual fund of up to $850,000. The Guggenheim Museum is one of the area’s largest predators to small cultural centers, along with the fearsome Metropolitan Museum of…