Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WASHINGTON – When elementary school students around the country go back to class this year they’ll find an extra test added to the Presidential Youth Fitness Award qualifications. In Addition to pull-ups, push-ups and the sit & reach, President Obama has added serpentine running to the annual wellness initiative. In a Rose Garden press conference Obama stated that “our children’s ability to run in a random zig-zag-type pattern over short distances is their best defense against semi-automatic rifle fire. Be it from a coordinated terrorist attack or a disturbed individual getting back at random strangers for being called gay in the comments…

LOS ANGELES – As the entire sports world chimes in on San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick’s decision to not stand during the national anthem as a form of protest, football analysts everywhere are desperate to find an unused controversial take that will get coverage. “I saw that Rodney Harrison said Kaepernick isn’t black,” said ESPN NFL analyst Trent Dilfer. “But I’m going to take it one step further. I don’t even think Kaepernick is real. I think he’s a figment of our society’s collective imagination.” According to a leaked memo from the seldom-seen channel Fox Sports 1, anchors and analysts were…

KANSAS CITY – In a near catastrophic incident, local man Jim Brewer, 22, narrowly avoided social contact with an individual approaching on the sidewalk by pretending to be texting on his cellular device. “I was walking home from class and this old man was walking in my direction,” says the battle-scarred Brewer. “I was flipping through music at the time so I just pretended to be really engaged in a text message. Have you heard the new Blink-182 album?” Sources tell us the devious old culprit was known as Greg Anderson, a local gardener who spends his time at the community…

TOKYO – Despite the Rio Olympic Games having only recently come to a close, Tokyo mosquitoes are already putting plans in motion to develop an unstoppable new disease for 2020. “We’ve been really floored by the success that Zika was met with in Rio,” said International Mosquito Committee CEO Henry Skeeter. “Zika got more media coverage before the Games than the athletes. We really want to build off that success and strive to develop an even more Olympic-worthy disease over the next four years.” “Our friends in Rio did a great job with marketing to a global audience, but fell short…

LOS ANGELES – With two movies already wrapped up this year and three more to go, Hollywood movie star Gerard Butler is wondering what the hell he has to do to get movie studios to stop casting him. “Just mailing it in on every role isn’t working,” Butler said while on the set of a new, still-unnamed action movie that doesn’t have a script 42 days into shooting. “I’ve tried being racist, sexist and anti-Semitic. I’ve sabotaged sets, blackmailed studio executives and kidnapped their children. Nothing’s worked.” “No matter what I do, my name keeps popping up for roles. Even when…

CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa – After the massive popularity of NBC 7’s “Share to Win” Powerball promotion, station news director James Kross declared, “Screw it. That’s all we’ll do from now on.” The promotion, where anyone who shared pictures of the station’s Powerball tickets would share in the potential $390 million jackpot, garnered over 15,000 shares on social media, 5,000 times more shares than the Eastern Iowa news leader’s recent story about dangerously unsafe bridges. “If that’s all people care about, fine. That’s all they’re getting from now on!” Kross said through gritted teeth while slamming a handful of crumpled bills onto the conference…

RIO DE JANEIRO – Citing potential health concerns, unpredictable crime and the overall unpleasant outlook of the city of Rio, the ISIS agent tasked with carrying out an attack on the 2016 Olympics decided to take a pass. “I want to further the caliphate’s cause and give my life to bring down the evils of Western society as much as the next terrorist,” said the agent who requested that his identity not be revealed. “But I just looked at everything happening in Rio and thought, ‘Maybe I’ll take the next one.'” The agent makes it clear that he is perfectly willing to…

RIO DE JANEIRO – After Rio police deemed swimmer Ryan Lochte’s and three of his teammates’ claim of being robbed at gunpoint as false, the United States Olympic Committee has issued a statement begging all remaining athletes not to fuck up. “Our main goal now is getting through the remainder of the games without any more fuck-ups, screw-ups or mishaps that could anger an entire country,” said USOC CEO Scott Blackmun. “We do not condone the behavior of the four swimmers involved in the incident and from the bottom of our hearts are begging the rest of our athletes not…

RIO DE JANEIRO – The intense Olympic competition has taken its toll on a number of athletes this year in Rio. Gymnast Samir Ait Said suffered a horrible broken leg, cyclist Annemiek van Vleuten endured three fractured vertebrae and a concussion, and gymnast Elissa Downie was wheeled away after a severe neck injury. After weightlifter Andranik Karapetyan dislocated his elbow, members of the International Olympic Committee decided enough was enough. By a unanimous vote, the committee passed a rule change Thursday to allow athletes to replace their normal calcium-based skeletons with ones made from a lightweight, yet extremely durable, titanium alloy. “Nothing…

RIO DE JANEIRO – In a move that shocked North American viewers, NBC interrupted a tremendous stream of commercial advertising Tuesday night to show a preliminary round of the women’s 100-meter hurdles. Everything was going smoothly: Carrie Underwood had just belted out the same insufferable “Ooohhhh, Sunday night!” that Olympic fans had seen several hundred times to that point. Next was Blake Shelton telling people about NASCAR. A Coke commercial was then expected to lead into Ryan Seacrest inexplicably talking for 30 seconds about Facebook Live and throwing it back to commercial for more Carrie Underwood. However, instead of cutting…