Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

TOKYO – Despite the Rio Olympic Games having only recently come to a close, Tokyo mosquitoes are already putting plans in motion to develop an unstoppable new disease for 2020. “We’ve been really floored by the success that Zika was met with in Rio,” said International Mosquito Committee CEO Henry Skeeter. “Zika got more media coverage before the Games than the athletes. We really want to build off that success and strive to develop an even more Olympic-worthy disease over the next four years.” “Our friends in Rio did a great job with marketing to a global audience, but fell short…

LOS ANGELES – With two movies already wrapped up this year and three more to go, Hollywood movie star Gerard Butler is wondering what the hell he has to do to get movie studios to stop casting him. “Just mailing it in on every role isn’t working,” Butler said while on the set of a new, still-unnamed action movie that doesn’t have a script 42 days into shooting. “I’ve tried being racist, sexist and anti-Semitic. I’ve sabotaged sets, blackmailed studio executives and kidnapped their children. Nothing’s worked.” “No matter what I do, my name keeps popping up for roles. Even when…

CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa – After the massive popularity of NBC 7’s “Share to Win” Powerball promotion, station news director James Kross declared, “Screw it. That’s all we’ll do from now on.” The promotion, where anyone who shared pictures of the station’s Powerball tickets would share in the potential $390 million jackpot, garnered over 15,000 shares on social media, 5,000 times more shares than the Eastern Iowa news leader’s recent story about dangerously unsafe bridges. “If that’s all people care about, fine. That’s all they’re getting from now on!” Kross said through gritted teeth while slamming a handful of crumpled bills onto the conference…

RIO DE JANEIRO – Citing potential health concerns, unpredictable crime and the overall unpleasant outlook of the city of Rio, the ISIS agent tasked with carrying out an attack on the 2016 Olympics decided to take a pass. “I want to further the caliphate’s cause and give my life to bring down the evils of Western society as much as the next terrorist,” said the agent who requested that his identity not be revealed. “But I just looked at everything happening in Rio and thought, ‘Maybe I’ll take the next one.'” The agent makes it clear that he is perfectly willing to…

RIO DE JANEIRO – After Rio police deemed swimmer Ryan Lochte’s and three of his teammates’ claim of being robbed at gunpoint as false, the United States Olympic Committee has issued a statement begging all remaining athletes not to fuck up. “Our main goal now is getting through the remainder of the games without any more fuck-ups, screw-ups or mishaps that could anger an entire country,” said USOC CEO Scott Blackmun. “We do not condone the behavior of the four swimmers involved in the incident and from the bottom of our hearts are begging the rest of our athletes not…

RIO DE JANEIRO – The intense Olympic competition has taken its toll on a number of athletes this year in Rio. Gymnast Samir Ait Said suffered a horrible broken leg, cyclist Annemiek van Vleuten endured three fractured vertebrae and a concussion, and gymnast Elissa Downie was wheeled away after a severe neck injury. After weightlifter Andranik Karapetyan dislocated his elbow, members of the International Olympic Committee decided enough was enough. By a unanimous vote, the committee passed a rule change Thursday to allow athletes to replace their normal calcium-based skeletons with ones made from a lightweight, yet extremely durable, titanium alloy. “Nothing…

RIO DE JANEIRO – In a move that shocked North American viewers, NBC interrupted a tremendous stream of commercial advertising Tuesday night to show a preliminary round of the women’s 100-meter hurdles. Everything was going smoothly: Carrie Underwood had just belted out the same insufferable “Ooohhhh, Sunday night!” that Olympic fans had seen several hundred times to that point. Next was Blake Shelton telling people about NASCAR. A Coke commercial was then expected to lead into Ryan Seacrest inexplicably talking for 30 seconds about Facebook Live and throwing it back to commercial for more Carrie Underwood. However, instead of cutting…

RIO DE JANEIRO – The elite athletes who will be vying for the long distance, open-water swimming medals off Copacabana Beach can’t wait for the transformative effects the Rio water will have on their bodies. “I’m so psyched to let the viruses, human waste and bacteria in the ocean go to work on my internal organs and mutate me into a half-fish, half-human hybrid,” beamed Oussama Mellouli of Tunisia. “I can’t believe I have the chance to not only compete for a medal, but also to grow a brand-new set of gills along the way.” A poll of the qualifying swimmers…

RIO DE JANEIRO – The Olympics are well-known for fostering peace, if only temporary, between people with longstanding feuds, but Rio may make history for uniting the most unlikely of populations: humans and mosquitoes. Mosquitoes in Rio de Janeiro have come forward to make a peace offering to Zika-weary attendees, promising not to bite until after the closing ceremony of the 2016 Rio Olympic Games. “We all thought you were just taunting us with that flame,” said Matilde, a local mosquito who recently contracted the virus. “But it seems like [the Olympics] are a pretty big deal to you guys. There’s…