Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

RIO DE JANEIRO – The elite athletes who will be vying for the long distance, open-water swimming medals off Copacabana Beach can’t wait for the transformative effects the Rio water will have on their bodies. “I’m so psyched to let the viruses, human waste and bacteria in the ocean go to work on my internal organs and mutate me into a half-fish, half-human hybrid,” beamed Oussama Mellouli of Tunisia. “I can’t believe I have the chance to not only compete for a medal, but also to grow a brand-new set of gills along the way.” A poll of the qualifying swimmers…

RIO DE JANEIRO – The Olympics are well-known for fostering peace, if only temporary, between people with longstanding feuds, but Rio may make history for uniting the most unlikely of populations: humans and mosquitoes. Mosquitoes in Rio de Janeiro have come forward to make a peace offering to Zika-weary attendees, promising not to bite until after the closing ceremony of the 2016 Rio Olympic Games. “We all thought you were just taunting us with that flame,” said Matilde, a local mosquito who recently contracted the virus. “But it seems like [the Olympics] are a pretty big deal to you guys. There’s…

[INSERT LOCATION] – At a press conference this morning, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump [insert joke about something insane he said or did] setting off yet another controversy for the candidate. “I can’t believe he [here is where I could make a joke about him yelling at a baby, but no, he goddamn did that in real life],” expressed registered voter Claire Lee. “This whole campaign was already getting out of hand. And then he [insert something else ridiculous, but let’s be real here, if he hasn’t done it yet just give it a week].” Pundits have been weighing in on…

RIO DE JANEIRO – After the glitz and glamour of the 2016 Rio Olympics Opening Ceremony had ended last Friday, most of the athletes paraded their way back to the Olympic Village with heavy anticipation for the games to come. As these warriors of sport gathered some much-needed rest, one particular competitor ended the evening with the first victory for his nation. That man was Tongan flag bearer Pita Taufatofua, who captained his nation’s way to being the most-searched country on Google Trends that night. “It is exhilarating to hear that people are finally choosing to learn more about the great…

RIO – Amid unavoidable rotting sewage and deplorable living conditions fit for convicted terrorists in other parts of the world, members of the North Korean Olympic team Monday expressed their great pleasure in enjoying a vacation in the unrelenting Brazilian hellscape. “I am having the time of my life,” said weightlifter Om Yun-Chol, who has been robbed at gunpoint each night he has gone back to the Olympic Village. “The air is thick with the fumes of ape carcasses and Dear Leader [Kim Jong-un] has blessed me with the opportunity to experience the excruciating pain of eating tainted meat from a street vendor. Until…

RIO – In a move that grabs headlines every time the Olympics come around, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has admitted to handing out more than 400,000 condoms for athletes at the Olympic village sites during the 2016 Summer Games. These, of course, are in addition to the 31,000 antibacterial hazmat suits also designed to help keep athletes safe in Brazil. “These Rio Olympics are much like any other iteration of the Summer Games,” IOC president Thomas Bach said. “We know that athletes can be promiscuous, both sexually and by breathing local air, and we provide protection accordingly.” Safety concerns have been…

BASKING RIDGE, N.J. – Verizon is ready to party like it’s 1999. Recently, Verizon announced a $4.3 billion deal to acquire Yahoo!, the former search engine giant that has faced a turbulent decline since its peak success in the late 1990’s. This is on the heels of the buyout of another ’90s tech icon, AOL, the erstwhile juggernaut of dial-up internet access. This morning on CNBC, Verizon’s EVP of Investor Relations Vince McCarthy explained both deals are part of a strategy by the communications giant to “do all the awesome shit Verizon dreamed of doing back in college.” Verizon’s end game?…

PORTLAND, Maine – Following a tumultuous week that saw Donald Trump’s poll numbers slipping due to a number of controversial actions and comments, the Republican presidential nominee’s brain tumor expressed concern that it’s perhaps gone too far. “Criticizing a fallen soldier’s family, pocketing a Purple Heart, badmouthing a baby – yeah, those were all me,” the tumor said. “Now, Donald Trump was the one who had those impulses to be clear, but I was the one saying, ‘Go on. Do it.’” While the tumor has been growing between Trump’s frontal and temporal lobes since May of 2015, it said it hadn’t…

INDIANAPOLIS – This summer, Meg Green and her husband hired remodelers to add some architectural detail to their urban home. The exterior project should have been completed in 2-3 weeks, but eight weeks later, the Greens are frustrated by the lack of progress, as well as the incessant sounds of classic rock band The Eagles. According to Mrs. Green, on the first day of the project, the leader of the group, a man with a dense beige mustache, inquired about the location of the external power outlets. She assumed he needed it for some type of power saw, but was surprised to see…