Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WASHINGTON – As his Supreme Court nomination continues to be used as a weapon of political warfare, Merrick Garland spent his 101st straight day in a dark, underground Capitol Building waiting room Thursday, the only light emanating from a dusty window far above the U.S Appeals Court judge’s reach. “I know this is a major decision, so I don’t mind waiting,” Garland said, his now-gaunt frame barely holding itself up. “I occupy a lot of my time humming my favorite tunes and counting the fingernail scratches all over the walls.” President Barack Obama nominated Garland in March, and since then, the…

TRENTON, N.J. – Summer is finally here, and Americans everywhere are diving into their favorite seasonal rituals. New Jersey mom Teresa Doyle, 49, is among those who are thrilled for long days and warm weather, and she in particular knows how to give this summer a truly righteous legacy. Her epic summertime kick off? Integrating beach-themed soap in her house bathrooms. Killer! Walk, skate or surf into any of Doyle’s two-and-a-half bathrooms in her Cherry Hill home between June and September and you will see a 12-ounce pump bottle of Dove hand soap in Ocean Mist or Tahitian Coconut boldly banging…

CHICAGO – With the hot, sunny days upon us, people across the nation are packing their tote bags and cruising on down to the beach. However, Chicago resident Connie Brenmar missed out on the summer fun earlier this month while looking for her flip-flops all afternoon. The search reportedly came to an end around midnight when Brenmar discovered the pair of sandals had been resting on top of her head. “I should have just looked there in the first place!” Brenmar fired off when spotting the pair. After taking a moment to collect herself she then recalled, “I remember now setting…

SANTA FE – Game of Thrones is well known for killing characters and keeping its audience on their toes. But series author George R.R. Martin intends to shake things up even further by announcing that he will begin killing off members of the audience as well. “I’m always looking to upend tropes,” Martin explained with a psychotic gleam in his eye. “And I can think of none greater than that of the audience being a passive party. People just assume that because they are not actually living in a fictional world they are safe from the dangers within. My goal is…

SILVER SPRING, Md. – Citing the importance to one’s overall health and well-being during the summer, the Food and Drug Administration recommended this week unlimited servings of the three essential B’s: babes, brews and buds. “The value of keeping summer as chill as possible cannot be underestimated in regards to one’s health,” said FDA commissioner Robert Califf. “We have found that it is in the public’s best health interest to load up on bangin’ babes, the best times with buds and, of course, the coldest brews possible.” “Without healthy doses of all three, one can expect a summer of serious, undesirable…

LONDON – Shortly after this morning’s controversial Brexit vote for the United Kingdom to leave the European Union, photographs began to surface of Her Majesty’s sovereign land with another, sexier union. The age and legitimacy of these photos cannot yet be determined. With an overwhelming amount of “Leave” votes coming from the elderly demographic, some are saying this is no surprise. Wales resident Noah Hughes claims he first knew changes were coming in 2012. “I noticed the United Kingdom really taking care of itself, getting much more chatty with anyone and everyone. And Jaguar began selling a lot more convertibles.…

GREENVILLE, N.C. – The long simmering Thermostat War that has been raging in the Becker household over the past two months has taken a turn, as a hostage situation has developed over the settings of the home’s air conditioning unit. The conflict began in earnest in early May, as George Becker and his wife Megan began butting heads over how cool to keep their two-story residence. George prefers a cool environment at 67 degrees Fahrenheit while Megan, worried about the costs of running the AC at full blast with their tight budget, began fighting for 78 degrees. Megan struck an early…

It was a day young Eric Stahlman had been dreaming about for months. The Stahlman family was taking a trip to South Padre Island in Texas and Eric had read that some of the beaches there were topless-friendly. His imagination ran wild. “It’s gonna be like the cover of Maxim but better,” the 13-year-old reportedly confided to his older brother Josh. Josh let his brother believe the hype, knowing all too well what was coming. Things were still looking bright in the early stages of the trip, though, as mom and dad allotted a couple of hours on consecutive days…

PLANO, Texas – Local accountant and fervent Christian Terry Cooper told reporters Wednesday that, in a moment of divine inspiration, God had revealed His plan for him. Surprisingly, the plan consists primarily of Cooper experiencing a long series of unwarranted and impossible-to-conceal erections at unfortunate times. But despite the unique challenges the Lord had laid out for him, Cooper refuses to question how it all fits into God’s master plan. “We all have our crosses to bear,” Cooper said. “I didn’t question God when a drunk driver took my family from me and I didn’t question God when flood waters destroyed…

OMAHA – Call center technician Tonya Brantley recently came to the realization that she might be the last remaining employee at former payphone giant 1-800-COLLECT’s home office. Brantley, who started the job in 1997 at the height of the collect call bubble, says she was drawn to the position because she was a big fan of company spokesman, Carrot Top. It wasn’t until later that she found out Carrot Top was actually the spokesman for rival 1-800-CALL-ATT. “I was the only one left in the call center” Brantley stated when asked about her status as the only remaining employee. “After they implemented…