Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

[INSERT LOCATION] – At a press conference this morning, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump [insert joke about something insane he said or did] setting off yet another controversy for the candidate. “I can’t believe he [here is where I could make a joke about him yelling at a baby, but no, he goddamn did that in real life],” expressed registered voter Claire Lee. “This whole campaign was already getting out of hand. And then he [insert something else ridiculous, but let’s be real here, if he hasn’t done it yet just give it a week].” Pundits have been weighing in on…

RIO DE JANEIRO – After the glitz and glamour of the 2016 Rio Olympics Opening Ceremony had ended last Friday, most of the athletes paraded their way back to the Olympic Village with heavy anticipation for the games to come. As these warriors of sport gathered some much-needed rest, one particular competitor ended the evening with the first victory for his nation. That man was Tongan flag bearer Pita Taufatofua, who captained his nation’s way to being the most-searched country on Google Trends that night. “It is exhilarating to hear that people are finally choosing to learn more about the great…

RIO – Amid unavoidable rotting sewage and deplorable living conditions fit for convicted terrorists in other parts of the world, members of the North Korean Olympic team Monday expressed their great pleasure in enjoying a vacation in the unrelenting Brazilian hellscape. “I am having the time of my life,” said weightlifter Om Yun-Chol, who has been robbed at gunpoint each night he has gone back to the Olympic Village. “The air is thick with the fumes of ape carcasses and Dear Leader [Kim Jong-un] has blessed me with the opportunity to experience the excruciating pain of eating tainted meat from a street vendor. Until…

RIO – In a move that grabs headlines every time the Olympics come around, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has admitted to handing out more than 400,000 condoms for athletes at the Olympic village sites during the 2016 Summer Games. These, of course, are in addition to the 31,000 antibacterial hazmat suits also designed to help keep athletes safe in Brazil. “These Rio Olympics are much like any other iteration of the Summer Games,” IOC president Thomas Bach said. “We know that athletes can be promiscuous, both sexually and by breathing local air, and we provide protection accordingly.” Safety concerns have been…

BASKING RIDGE, N.J. – Verizon is ready to party like it’s 1999. Recently, Verizon announced a $4.3 billion deal to acquire Yahoo!, the former search engine giant that has faced a turbulent decline since its peak success in the late 1990’s. This is on the heels of the buyout of another ’90s tech icon, AOL, the erstwhile juggernaut of dial-up internet access. This morning on CNBC, Verizon’s EVP of Investor Relations Vince McCarthy explained both deals are part of a strategy by the communications giant to “do all the awesome shit Verizon dreamed of doing back in college.” Verizon’s end game?…

PORTLAND, Maine – Following a tumultuous week that saw Donald Trump’s poll numbers slipping due to a number of controversial actions and comments, the Republican presidential nominee’s brain tumor expressed concern that it’s perhaps gone too far. “Criticizing a fallen soldier’s family, pocketing a Purple Heart, badmouthing a baby – yeah, those were all me,” the tumor said. “Now, Donald Trump was the one who had those impulses to be clear, but I was the one saying, ‘Go on. Do it.’” While the tumor has been growing between Trump’s frontal and temporal lobes since May of 2015, it said it hadn’t…

INDIANAPOLIS – This summer, Meg Green and her husband hired remodelers to add some architectural detail to their urban home. The exterior project should have been completed in 2-3 weeks, but eight weeks later, the Greens are frustrated by the lack of progress, as well as the incessant sounds of classic rock band The Eagles. According to Mrs. Green, on the first day of the project, the leader of the group, a man with a dense beige mustache, inquired about the location of the external power outlets. She assumed he needed it for some type of power saw, but was surprised to see…

CLEVELAND – After being in a coma for the past 61 years, lifelong Republican and avid Dwight D. Eisenhower supporter Howard Wilson awoke just in time last month to take part in his party’s national convention. Wilson, who entered the coma at the age of 32, was initially excited to see how far his party had come over the decades. “I figured we’d have an incredible highway infrastructure system, but so far I’ve hit 20 pot holes on the way to the venue,” he said. “You’re telling me it was the Republicans who cut funding for that? Next you’ll tell me we put…

PHILADELPHIA – Pausing for more than ten seconds in the middle of her acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention, presidential nominee Hillary Clinton suddenly realized she had left an insubordinate staffer’s testicles locked in a vice before continuing with her remarks. “Oh fuck,” Clinton could be seen mouthing to herself, as reported by astute lip readers in the audience. “If someone doesn’t get back there now, his nuts are going to explode in that thing.” Mrs. Clinton has been known to utilize methods like this to psych herself up for major speeches in the past, having branded her campaign symbol…

WASHINGTON – Following news of would-be Reagan assassin John Hinckley Jr.’s pending release from a psychiatric hospital, the Associated Press received a statement from Hinckley reading in part, “I’m glad to finally be fit for society, but this is the society I get? Jesus, what did you guys do?” Hinckley’s letter detailed that he’s only been able to follow the news “sporadically,” but that he couldn’t believe real estate magnate Donald Trump was given a TV show, let alone a major party presidential nomination. “What happened? This isn’t the Republican party I tried to decimate 35 years ago,” Hinckley stated.…