Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

CLEVELAND – After being in a coma for the past 61 years, lifelong Republican and avid Dwight D. Eisenhower supporter Howard Wilson awoke just in time last month to take part in his party’s national convention. Wilson, who entered the coma at the age of 32, was initially excited to see how far his party had come over the decades. “I figured we’d have an incredible highway infrastructure system, but so far I’ve hit 20 pot holes on the way to the venue,” he said. “You’re telling me it was the Republicans who cut funding for that? Next you’ll tell me we put…

PHILADELPHIA – Pausing for more than ten seconds in the middle of her acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention, presidential nominee Hillary Clinton suddenly realized she had left an insubordinate staffer’s testicles locked in a vice before continuing with her remarks. “Oh fuck,” Clinton could be seen mouthing to herself, as reported by astute lip readers in the audience. “If someone doesn’t get back there now, his nuts are going to explode in that thing.” Mrs. Clinton has been known to utilize methods like this to psych herself up for major speeches in the past, having branded her campaign symbol…

WASHINGTON – Following news of would-be Reagan assassin John Hinckley Jr.’s pending release from a psychiatric hospital, the Associated Press received a statement from Hinckley reading in part, “I’m glad to finally be fit for society, but this is the society I get? Jesus, what did you guys do?” Hinckley’s letter detailed that he’s only been able to follow the news “sporadically,” but that he couldn’t believe real estate magnate Donald Trump was given a TV show, let alone a major party presidential nomination. “What happened? This isn’t the Republican party I tried to decimate 35 years ago,” Hinckley stated.…

PHILADELPHIA – Fresh on the heels of a hellish Republican National Convention in which delegates staged walk-outs, a speaker performed a Nazi salute, and the party’s secondary candidate refused to endorse the actual presidential candidate, the Democratic National Committee has put to rest the notion it has been lobbed a softball with its new “Don’t Worry, We’ll Still Fuck This Up” theme. “Get a load of this,” said an unnamed source with strong ties to the DNC. “The chief of the whole thing had to step down before it even started and we have three more days to top that.” With chaos…

PHOENIX – Arizona man Michael Lewison determined to “catch them all” reached his final Pokéstop Wednesday after he drove off a cliff and died while playing Pokemon GO, determined to catch an elusive Dragonite. “Michael downloaded Pokémon GO to pass time at work. I thought it would be good for him to finally start getting some exercise, but in a matter of hours he became a raging addict” Lewison’s girlfriend Laura Smith said. “Every time he found a new Pokéstop something changed in him. It was like nothing I had ever seen. Nothing else in life mattered to him. He started showing…

SAN FRANCISCO – Speaking this morning from their office in the Tenderloin neighborhood of San Francisco, the National Dairy Council announced today that new FDA guidelines on milk production were “udderly ridiculous” and would ultimately steer the industry in the wrong direction. “I’ve herd a lot of bulloney, in my time, but nothing has come close to the beef I’ve got with these new regulations,” wrote National Dairy Council President Jean Ragalie-Carr, adding that “it’s medium rare to rare for us to disagree so strongly with FDA rulings, and we plan on grilling them on this decision until we know it’s been…

WASHINGTON – At least 24 people died last night at a local Do-It-Yourself concert venue, labeled a “safe space” by the proprietors, due to a combination of heat exhaustion and the ensuing panic caused by the fainting of those in attendance. “A few years ago we moved to the area and had always heard about the ‘house shows’ in DC, so we decided to open up a space for local bands to play in our house,” said Erin Lampley, tenant at the house venue known colloquially as ‘Fuck Cops We Out.’ “We wanted to give the bands and those who attend…

TUCSON, Ariz. – Devastated by the Orlando massacre and the rash of terror attacks all around the world, local barista Hugh Ross is sending out his thoughts and prayers to the victims, saving just a few for himself to hopefully secure a blowjob from his coworker Sarah Thompson. “What’s going on in the world is awful, and my heart goes out to everyone, but I’ve got plenty of thoughts and prayers to go around, ” Ross said. “Plus, Sarah just broke up with her boyfriend and I really need to get some brain.” Ross admitted his recent spate of thoughts and prayers isn’t an isolated…

WASHINGTON – As his Supreme Court nomination continues to be used as a weapon of political warfare, Merrick Garland spent his 101st straight day in a dark, underground Capitol Building waiting room Thursday, the only light emanating from a dusty window far above the U.S Appeals Court judge’s reach. “I know this is a major decision, so I don’t mind waiting,” Garland said, his now-gaunt frame barely holding itself up. “I occupy a lot of my time humming my favorite tunes and counting the fingernail scratches all over the walls.” President Barack Obama nominated Garland in March, and since then, the…

TRENTON, N.J. – Summer is finally here, and Americans everywhere are diving into their favorite seasonal rituals. New Jersey mom Teresa Doyle, 49, is among those who are thrilled for long days and warm weather, and she in particular knows how to give this summer a truly righteous legacy. Her epic summertime kick off? Integrating beach-themed soap in her house bathrooms. Killer! Walk, skate or surf into any of Doyle’s two-and-a-half bathrooms in her Cherry Hill home between June and September and you will see a 12-ounce pump bottle of Dove hand soap in Ocean Mist or Tahitian Coconut boldly banging…