Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

PHILADELPHIA – Fresh on the heels of a hellish Republican National Convention in which delegates staged walk-outs, a speaker performed a Nazi salute, and the party’s secondary candidate refused to endorse the actual presidential candidate, the Democratic National Committee has put to rest the notion it has been lobbed a softball with its new “Don’t Worry, We’ll Still Fuck This Up” theme. “Get a load of this,” said an unnamed source with strong ties to the DNC. “The chief of the whole thing had to step down before it even started and we have three more days to top that.” With chaos…

PHOENIX – Arizona man Michael Lewison determined to “catch them all” reached his final Pokéstop Wednesday after he drove off a cliff and died while playing Pokemon GO, determined to catch an elusive Dragonite. “Michael downloaded Pokémon GO to pass time at work. I thought it would be good for him to finally start getting some exercise, but in a matter of hours he became a raging addict” Lewison’s girlfriend Laura Smith said. “Every time he found a new Pokéstop something changed in him. It was like nothing I had ever seen. Nothing else in life mattered to him. He started showing…

SAN FRANCISCO – Speaking this morning from their office in the Tenderloin neighborhood of San Francisco, the National Dairy Council announced today that new FDA guidelines on milk production were “udderly ridiculous” and would ultimately steer the industry in the wrong direction. “I’ve herd a lot of bulloney, in my time, but nothing has come close to the beef I’ve got with these new regulations,” wrote National Dairy Council President Jean Ragalie-Carr, adding that “it’s medium rare to rare for us to disagree so strongly with FDA rulings, and we plan on grilling them on this decision until we know it’s been…

WASHINGTON – At least 24 people died last night at a local Do-It-Yourself concert venue, labeled a “safe space” by the proprietors, due to a combination of heat exhaustion and the ensuing panic caused by the fainting of those in attendance. “A few years ago we moved to the area and had always heard about the ‘house shows’ in DC, so we decided to open up a space for local bands to play in our house,” said Erin Lampley, tenant at the house venue known colloquially as ‘Fuck Cops We Out.’ “We wanted to give the bands and those who attend…

TUCSON, Ariz. – Devastated by the Orlando massacre and the rash of terror attacks all around the world, local barista Hugh Ross is sending out his thoughts and prayers to the victims, saving just a few for himself to hopefully secure a blowjob from his coworker Sarah Thompson. “What’s going on in the world is awful, and my heart goes out to everyone, but I’ve got plenty of thoughts and prayers to go around, ” Ross said. “Plus, Sarah just broke up with her boyfriend and I really need to get some brain.” Ross admitted his recent spate of thoughts and prayers isn’t an isolated…

WASHINGTON – As his Supreme Court nomination continues to be used as a weapon of political warfare, Merrick Garland spent his 101st straight day in a dark, underground Capitol Building waiting room Thursday, the only light emanating from a dusty window far above the U.S Appeals Court judge’s reach. “I know this is a major decision, so I don’t mind waiting,” Garland said, his now-gaunt frame barely holding itself up. “I occupy a lot of my time humming my favorite tunes and counting the fingernail scratches all over the walls.” President Barack Obama nominated Garland in March, and since then, the…

TRENTON, N.J. – Summer is finally here, and Americans everywhere are diving into their favorite seasonal rituals. New Jersey mom Teresa Doyle, 49, is among those who are thrilled for long days and warm weather, and she in particular knows how to give this summer a truly righteous legacy. Her epic summertime kick off? Integrating beach-themed soap in her house bathrooms. Killer! Walk, skate or surf into any of Doyle’s two-and-a-half bathrooms in her Cherry Hill home between June and September and you will see a 12-ounce pump bottle of Dove hand soap in Ocean Mist or Tahitian Coconut boldly banging…

CHICAGO – With the hot, sunny days upon us, people across the nation are packing their tote bags and cruising on down to the beach. However, Chicago resident Connie Brenmar missed out on the summer fun earlier this month while looking for her flip-flops all afternoon. The search reportedly came to an end around midnight when Brenmar discovered the pair of sandals had been resting on top of her head. “I should have just looked there in the first place!” Brenmar fired off when spotting the pair. After taking a moment to collect herself she then recalled, “I remember now setting…

SANTA FE – Game of Thrones is well known for killing characters and keeping its audience on their toes. But series author George R.R. Martin intends to shake things up even further by announcing that he will begin killing off members of the audience as well. “I’m always looking to upend tropes,” Martin explained with a psychotic gleam in his eye. “And I can think of none greater than that of the audience being a passive party. People just assume that because they are not actually living in a fictional world they are safe from the dangers within. My goal is…

SILVER SPRING, Md. – Citing the importance to one’s overall health and well-being during the summer, the Food and Drug Administration recommended this week unlimited servings of the three essential B’s: babes, brews and buds. “The value of keeping summer as chill as possible cannot be underestimated in regards to one’s health,” said FDA commissioner Robert Califf. “We have found that it is in the public’s best health interest to load up on bangin’ babes, the best times with buds and, of course, the coldest brews possible.” “Without healthy doses of all three, one can expect a summer of serious, undesirable…