Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

SANTA MONICA, Calif. – Following Tuesday’s primary results, which saw Bernie Sanders failing to secure the primary upset he was hoping for, the Vermont senator vowed to continue his fight to the Democratic Convention, before quickly mouthing “Help me” into an ABC News camera. Reviewing the incident, many pundits questioned its meaning and expressed concern for the spirited Cinderella candidate, with one commentator calling it “deeply troubling.” “It’s clear from the footage that Mr. Sanders requires assistance,” MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow said. “Anyone who can reach out to him at this time, please do so.” Leading theories for Sanders’ actions include that…

HOUSTON – Returning from his first mission to 2096, Acromion Labs’ time-traveling researcher Bucky Tropin shocked the world today when he announced at his press conference that the eventual destruction of society was not caused by an uprising of apes, despite the predictions of several films and scientific models. Much of the general public firmly believes Earth will have undergone the rise, dawn and war of the apes by this time, presumably a result of the blockbuster hit series, Planet of the Apes. However, upon Tropin’s return from the future, he settled public concerns in a briefing. “Earth’s future degeneration and mass…

INDIANAPOLIS – According to an exhaustive on-site study that took course over the span of 15 years, enough conclusive evidence was finally gathered at Indianapolis Motor Speedway during the Indianapolis 500 last weekend to suggest that racing fans also enjoy alcoholic beverages. Kent Stark, a physiology professor from Indiana University, was the man behind the exhaustive $24 million study. “We wanted to know if this was a stereotype or if there was some way to determine the motivation of the sunburned partiers in the infield of the race,” he said. “They seemed to be drinking beer, but we weren’t sure if that was…

EASTLAKE, Ohio – Like generations of teenagers before her, Sara, a 17-year-old cicada from Ohio, literally can’t when it comes to her family. “It’s like they’ve been under a rock for almost two decades,” Sara said, her eyes beady and red with disgust. “I swear they only leave the house like once every 17 years.” When asked for specifics, Sara described them as technologically incompetent, unable to use browsers beyond Internet Explorer 5. “They still talk about Y2K as if it could happen, like, next year or something,” Sara added. “Also, they still religiously watch Ally McBeal.” Sara is looking forward to the…

SAN FRANCISCO – According to reports, 47-year-old graphic designer Wilferd Gilliam is feeling pretty confident about his chances as he applies to hot new startup App-ropos, going the extra mile by submitting a resume comprised of nothing but emojis. “I figured, why just tell them I am in tune with the hip new trends of the day, when I can show them?” Gilliam explained, as sweat stains grew under his armpits. Gilliam said he understands his age makes him unattractive to new employers, especially in the tech industry. But he is confident his many years of experience, combined with his comprehensive understanding…

LOS ANGELES – Though he’s been the creative force behind seven studio albums, and has spent over two decades in the music industry, Jakob Dylan admitted Thursday he still hasn’t fixed his right headlight. “In the old days it was all about time, going venue to venue,” Dylan said. “But now it’s just what money I have is better spent elsewhere. It’s on the list, though.” Dylan acknowledged that the car in question, the same 1992 Chevrolet Cavalier he wrote about in the hit single “One Headlight,” requires a number of improvements and may not in fact be “street legal.”…

SYRIA – Citing the vast amount of hours it takes to coordinate a successful suicide attack on a major metropolitan area, terrorist Rahim Abdhullah al-Ahman is afraid he may not get to finish his Breaking Bad binge before carrying out his plan of destruction. “I knew I started it too late,” al-Ahman said. “Everyone kept telling me, ‘You have to see it, you have to see it. Bryan Cranston is a revelation.’ I waited too long and now here I am, wondering if I’ll ever see how things play out with Gus Fring.” The terrorist, once eager to punish the infidels for their…

NORWICH, Conn. – Visiting his uncle’s home for the first time since childhood, David Millburn was surprised to discover a pair of ice skates he’d worn decades prior, along with the mystical kingdom of Narnia, at the back of an antique wardrobe. “I was just cleaning out some things for uncle Harold and was immediately transported back in time,” Millburn said. “It’s funny how nostalgia can do that to you. Seeing those ice skates, a couple of old coats, oh, and that talking lion – man, brings back memories.” The wardrobe, Millburn said, proved to be a veritable treasure trove for…

WASHINGTON – Amid allegations that Donald Trump’s presidential campaign continues to promote violence, sources are reporting that it’s certainly not inconceivable that a top Trump campaign aide has murdered at least one person by now, possibly during a bar brawl that spilled into a darkened alley. According to Jeff Nagle, who reads the newspaper regularly, “I bet the aide just went to some random bar, someone bad-mouthed Trump, and he shot the guy right there in front of everyone.” Others aren’t so sure. “I doubt his aides have killed anyone. I hope they haven’t. We would know, right?” asked Allison Maynard of Alexandria.…

LONDON – Every year, millions of nurses go unappreciated all around the world, but one thankful patient is going the distance to celebrate International Nurses Day. John Morrison, a patient at St. Vincent Memorial Hospital, has a plan to surprise his nurse with an extra-full bedpan today. “I see the light in her eyes when she enters my room to dump it out, so I made sure to give it my all,” Morrison said. “The doctor explicitly told me not to eat any dairy while I recovered, but I couldn’t let Nurse Sandy down.” But behind Morrison’s remarkable generosity is a…