Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

DAYTON, Ohio – Beginning a Reich of any size can be a Herculean task, and that’s especially true for the thousand-year variety that infamous Nazi leader Adolf Hitler called for. That’s why one enterprising young neo-Nazi leader is calling for a “more realistic” 20-year Fourth Reich. “While 1,000 years has a great ring to it, I think we can all agree that political tides have changed,” investment banker and ardent neo-Nazi Greg Harding said. “In today’s fast-paced electoral cycle, even a 20-year Reich would be an extraordinary accomplishment, and would still offer ample time to exterminate the untermensch and, of course, the communists.”…

PORTLAND, Ore. – Patrons of Davey’s Diner got a special treat Tuesday, as former Republican presidential candidate John Kasich visited the establishment, meandering around the counter, engaging with people and making vague speeches until a waitress finally gave him a free bowl of soup. “I just feel so humbled to be with all of you today,” Kasich said, glancing behind himself to make sure the diner’s manager was paying attention. “Being out on the trail with you fine people has truly given me hope for our country…” Kasich trailed off and then stopped talking as the manager went back into the kitchen, but…

Though he admits that the dental industry has created a lot of opportunities for him, regional actor and anthropomorphic tooth Billy Cuspid is ready for more. “I have nothing but fond memories for that part of my career,” Cuspid said. “But you can only rub yourself with a giant blue toothbrush or fight off the Cavity Clan so many times before you ask yourself, ‘Is this all there is?’” Saying he had “a bit of a wakeup call,” Cuspid notified the numerous area dentists he’s worked with in the past decade that he’s taking an indefinite break from the industry. Asked what…

WASHINGTON – According to the beautiful spring weather and the amount of ice cold beer currently occupying my refrigerator, just begging to be enjoyed with friends, there will be a banging fish fry at my house this weekend. Warmer and longer days are back again, signaling the yearly ritualistic changing of the seasons, along with another famed ritual – parties that could go on until whenever. “We have all the fish you can eat, so come on by around late afternoon. Definitely have drinks, but it wouldn’t hurt if you brought some to keep the party going late!” said my…

OAKLAND – Screwball goof-off and noted oafish time traveler Dan Nooney is unable to shake the feeling this week that he might just be responsible for Donald Trump’s rise to the top of the Republican party. “I do a lot of time traveling, but I’m pretty clumsy,” Nooney said. “I stepped on a ton of lizard eggs from the Mesozoic Era a few weeks ago, and I couldn’t figure out the jet propulsion vehicles in 2074, so I drove mine straight into a pretty sizable crowd of people. I got back to 2016 before I could even assess the damage.” Nooney’s hapless misadventures…

NORMANDY, Mo. – The Chesterfield School District has long struggled with budget shortfalls, but its newest attempt to cut costs has raised some eyebrows as the district eliminated Teacher Appreciation Week to try and reign in spending. “It isn’t that we don’t appreciate teachers. We do,” explained Superintendent Nicole Starling. “We just can’t afford to show it in any way, shape or form.” The teachers in the district are understandably upset over the decision. After years of pay cuts and deteriorating classrooms, many teachers had come to rely on Teacher Appreciation Week as a source of not only motivation, but…

SAN FRANCISCO – Talk about a political gaffe. Ted Cruz suffered a humiliating wardrobe malfunction while campaigning in California this week when his suit of human skin began to tear at the seams during the candidate’s stump speech. “I promise, I will be the only candidate to stand up to the Washington Cartel and BRRRRZZZZGGGLEEEE EGOOOORKK,” Cruz said, as the human speech translator dislodged from his throat and cracked to pieces on the stage. Cruz’s rivals were quick to pounce on the incident, evidenced by Republican frontrunner Donald Trump’s customary insult on Twitter: The ripping of Cruz’s skin suit, revealing an unspeakable…

Just imagine: You’re out in the park for a run. It’s a beautiful sunny day, a bird flies by, you’re finally hitting your stride…when suddenly you hear it: the fingernails-on-a-chalkboard sound of some gross homeless guy begging for your help. With the new City Pulse line of headphones by Sonicast, you’ll never need to worry about the distracting sounds of the urban destitute bothering you again. This latest offering from Sonicast has the smooth full bass and crystal-clear audio you’ll need to drown out the cries of society’s refuse as you make your way around the city.  At $300, the…

TOKYO – Responding to a sudden increase in global demand, Japanese Minister of Culture Hiroshi Hase announced at a press conference Tuesday that bizarre sexual fetishes, the country’s largest natural resource, are finally running low. The announcement comes just weeks after Google began providing free internet to developing nations in an effort to increase public education. Unfortunately, this project, originally designed to increase access to educational resources for the world’s poorest populations, has instead led to an unprecedented increase in demand for new and bizarre internet pornography. The Japanese Ministry of Culture has publicly declared that it expected to run out of…