Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

LONDON – Shortly after this morning’s controversial Brexit vote for the United Kingdom to leave the European Union, photographs began to surface of Her Majesty’s sovereign land with another, sexier union. The age and legitimacy of these photos cannot yet be determined. With an overwhelming amount of “Leave” votes coming from the elderly demographic, some are saying this is no surprise. Wales resident Noah Hughes claims he first knew changes were coming in 2012. “I noticed the United Kingdom really taking care of itself, getting much more chatty with anyone and everyone. And Jaguar began selling a lot more convertibles.…

GREENVILLE, N.C. – The long simmering Thermostat War that has been raging in the Becker household over the past two months has taken a turn, as a hostage situation has developed over the settings of the home’s air conditioning unit. The conflict began in earnest in early May, as George Becker and his wife Megan began butting heads over how cool to keep their two-story residence. George prefers a cool environment at 67 degrees Fahrenheit while Megan, worried about the costs of running the AC at full blast with their tight budget, began fighting for 78 degrees. Megan struck an early…

It was a day young Eric Stahlman had been dreaming about for months. The Stahlman family was taking a trip to South Padre Island in Texas and Eric had read that some of the beaches there were topless-friendly. His imagination ran wild. “It’s gonna be like the cover of Maxim but better,” the 13-year-old reportedly confided to his older brother Josh. Josh let his brother believe the hype, knowing all too well what was coming. Things were still looking bright in the early stages of the trip, though, as mom and dad allotted a couple of hours on consecutive days…

PLANO, Texas – Local accountant and fervent Christian Terry Cooper told reporters Wednesday that, in a moment of divine inspiration, God had revealed His plan for him. Surprisingly, the plan consists primarily of Cooper experiencing a long series of unwarranted and impossible-to-conceal erections at unfortunate times. But despite the unique challenges the Lord had laid out for him, Cooper refuses to question how it all fits into God’s master plan. “We all have our crosses to bear,” Cooper said. “I didn’t question God when a drunk driver took my family from me and I didn’t question God when flood waters destroyed…

OMAHA – Call center technician Tonya Brantley recently came to the realization that she might be the last remaining employee at former payphone giant 1-800-COLLECT’s home office. Brantley, who started the job in 1997 at the height of the collect call bubble, says she was drawn to the position because she was a big fan of company spokesman, Carrot Top. It wasn’t until later that she found out Carrot Top was actually the spokesman for rival 1-800-CALL-ATT. “I was the only one left in the call center” Brantley stated when asked about her status as the only remaining employee. “After they implemented…

SANTA MONICA, Calif. – Following Tuesday’s primary results, which saw Bernie Sanders failing to secure the primary upset he was hoping for, the Vermont senator vowed to continue his fight to the Democratic Convention, before quickly mouthing “Help me” into an ABC News camera. Reviewing the incident, many pundits questioned its meaning and expressed concern for the spirited Cinderella candidate, with one commentator calling it “deeply troubling.” “It’s clear from the footage that Mr. Sanders requires assistance,” MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow said. “Anyone who can reach out to him at this time, please do so.” Leading theories for Sanders’ actions include that…

HOUSTON – Returning from his first mission to 2096, Acromion Labs’ time-traveling researcher Bucky Tropin shocked the world today when he announced at his press conference that the eventual destruction of society was not caused by an uprising of apes, despite the predictions of several films and scientific models. Much of the general public firmly believes Earth will have undergone the rise, dawn and war of the apes by this time, presumably a result of the blockbuster hit series, Planet of the Apes. However, upon Tropin’s return from the future, he settled public concerns in a briefing. “Earth’s future degeneration and mass…

INDIANAPOLIS – According to an exhaustive on-site study that took course over the span of 15 years, enough conclusive evidence was finally gathered at Indianapolis Motor Speedway during the Indianapolis 500 last weekend to suggest that racing fans also enjoy alcoholic beverages. Kent Stark, a physiology professor from Indiana University, was the man behind the exhaustive $24 million study. “We wanted to know if this was a stereotype or if there was some way to determine the motivation of the sunburned partiers in the infield of the race,” he said. “They seemed to be drinking beer, but we weren’t sure if that was…

EASTLAKE, Ohio – Like generations of teenagers before her, Sara, a 17-year-old cicada from Ohio, literally can’t when it comes to her family. “It’s like they’ve been under a rock for almost two decades,” Sara said, her eyes beady and red with disgust. “I swear they only leave the house like once every 17 years.” When asked for specifics, Sara described them as technologically incompetent, unable to use browsers beyond Internet Explorer 5. “They still talk about Y2K as if it could happen, like, next year or something,” Sara added. “Also, they still religiously watch Ally McBeal.” Sara is looking forward to the…

SAN FRANCISCO – According to reports, 47-year-old graphic designer Wilferd Gilliam is feeling pretty confident about his chances as he applies to hot new startup App-ropos, going the extra mile by submitting a resume comprised of nothing but emojis. “I figured, why just tell them I am in tune with the hip new trends of the day, when I can show them?” Gilliam explained, as sweat stains grew under his armpits. Gilliam said he understands his age makes him unattractive to new employers, especially in the tech industry. But he is confident his many years of experience, combined with his comprehensive understanding…