Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

EASTLAKE, Ohio – Like generations of teenagers before her, Sara, a 17-year-old cicada from Ohio, literally can’t when it comes to her family. “It’s like they’ve been under a rock for almost two decades,” Sara said, her eyes beady and red with disgust. “I swear they only leave the house like once every 17 years.” When asked for specifics, Sara described them as technologically incompetent, unable to use browsers beyond Internet Explorer 5. “They still talk about Y2K as if it could happen, like, next year or something,” Sara added. “Also, they still religiously watch Ally McBeal.” Sara is looking forward to the…

SAN FRANCISCO – According to reports, 47-year-old graphic designer Wilferd Gilliam is feeling pretty confident about his chances as he applies to hot new startup App-ropos, going the extra mile by submitting a resume comprised of nothing but emojis. “I figured, why just tell them I am in tune with the hip new trends of the day, when I can show them?” Gilliam explained, as sweat stains grew under his armpits. Gilliam said he understands his age makes him unattractive to new employers, especially in the tech industry. But he is confident his many years of experience, combined with his comprehensive understanding…

LOS ANGELES – Though he’s been the creative force behind seven studio albums, and has spent over two decades in the music industry, Jakob Dylan admitted Thursday he still hasn’t fixed his right headlight. “In the old days it was all about time, going venue to venue,” Dylan said. “But now it’s just what money I have is better spent elsewhere. It’s on the list, though.” Dylan acknowledged that the car in question, the same 1992 Chevrolet Cavalier he wrote about in the hit single “One Headlight,” requires a number of improvements and may not in fact be “street legal.”…

SYRIA – Citing the vast amount of hours it takes to coordinate a successful suicide attack on a major metropolitan area, terrorist Rahim Abdhullah al-Ahman is afraid he may not get to finish his Breaking Bad binge before carrying out his plan of destruction. “I knew I started it too late,” al-Ahman said. “Everyone kept telling me, ‘You have to see it, you have to see it. Bryan Cranston is a revelation.’ I waited too long and now here I am, wondering if I’ll ever see how things play out with Gus Fring.” The terrorist, once eager to punish the infidels for their…

NORWICH, Conn. – Visiting his uncle’s home for the first time since childhood, David Millburn was surprised to discover a pair of ice skates he’d worn decades prior, along with the mystical kingdom of Narnia, at the back of an antique wardrobe. “I was just cleaning out some things for uncle Harold and was immediately transported back in time,” Millburn said. “It’s funny how nostalgia can do that to you. Seeing those ice skates, a couple of old coats, oh, and that talking lion – man, brings back memories.” The wardrobe, Millburn said, proved to be a veritable treasure trove for…

WASHINGTON – Amid allegations that Donald Trump’s presidential campaign continues to promote violence, sources are reporting that it’s certainly not inconceivable that a top Trump campaign aide has murdered at least one person by now, possibly during a bar brawl that spilled into a darkened alley. According to Jeff Nagle, who reads the newspaper regularly, “I bet the aide just went to some random bar, someone bad-mouthed Trump, and he shot the guy right there in front of everyone.” Others aren’t so sure. “I doubt his aides have killed anyone. I hope they haven’t. We would know, right?” asked Allison Maynard of Alexandria.…

LONDON – Every year, millions of nurses go unappreciated all around the world, but one thankful patient is going the distance to celebrate International Nurses Day. John Morrison, a patient at St. Vincent Memorial Hospital, has a plan to surprise his nurse with an extra-full bedpan today. “I see the light in her eyes when she enters my room to dump it out, so I made sure to give it my all,” Morrison said. “The doctor explicitly told me not to eat any dairy while I recovered, but I couldn’t let Nurse Sandy down.” But behind Morrison’s remarkable generosity is a…

DAYTON, Ohio – Beginning a Reich of any size can be a Herculean task, and that’s especially true for the thousand-year variety that infamous Nazi leader Adolf Hitler called for. That’s why one enterprising young neo-Nazi leader is calling for a “more realistic” 20-year Fourth Reich. “While 1,000 years has a great ring to it, I think we can all agree that political tides have changed,” investment banker and ardent neo-Nazi Greg Harding said. “In today’s fast-paced electoral cycle, even a 20-year Reich would be an extraordinary accomplishment, and would still offer ample time to exterminate the untermensch and, of course, the communists.”…

PORTLAND, Ore. – Patrons of Davey’s Diner got a special treat Tuesday, as former Republican presidential candidate John Kasich visited the establishment, meandering around the counter, engaging with people and making vague speeches until a waitress finally gave him a free bowl of soup. “I just feel so humbled to be with all of you today,” Kasich said, glancing behind himself to make sure the diner’s manager was paying attention. “Being out on the trail with you fine people has truly given me hope for our country…” Kasich trailed off and then stopped talking as the manager went back into the kitchen, but…

Though he admits that the dental industry has created a lot of opportunities for him, regional actor and anthropomorphic tooth Billy Cuspid is ready for more. “I have nothing but fond memories for that part of my career,” Cuspid said. “But you can only rub yourself with a giant blue toothbrush or fight off the Cavity Clan so many times before you ask yourself, ‘Is this all there is?’” Saying he had “a bit of a wakeup call,” Cuspid notified the numerous area dentists he’s worked with in the past decade that he’s taking an indefinite break from the industry. Asked what…