Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

NEW YORK – Comedian John Oliver continued his streak of taking on national headlines in a hard-hitting way last night, when he literally eviscerated Donald Trump on his HBO program Last Week Tonight. Oliver, who went on a devastating attack of Trump’s lack of foreign policy knowledge, ended the segment by flaying the presidential candidate in front of his live studio audience. This is just the latest in a string of devastating bits the late night host has produced. Last week, Oliver destroyed the militarization of local police by bulldozing 20 different police stations. The week prior, he delivered biting criticism…

EARTH – Humanity celebrated the 46th annual Earth Day this year, wholly unaware that it would be the planet’s last. As revelers cheered on climate change legislation and rode their bikes to work, they remained blissfully unaware that Earth would not be celebrating a 47th Earth Day next year. “It’s simply a matter of probability,” alien lord Drexnum said from a spaceship hurtling toward Earth at unimaginable speed. The spacecraft is one of thousands set to arrive at our strangely hospitable planet in slightly less than one year. Green-thinking residents of Earth’s cities were seen completely ignorant of their impending…

ARLINGTON – Self-proclaimed pop culture aficionado Craig Bellows declared today that most, if not all, of his favorite podcasts would be improved if they appeared with video. “I’m a pretty cultured guy. I like my WTF as much as I like my Radiolab and Comedy Bang! Bang!,” Bellows said. “But from time to time, I think, why not just include some video? I would love it if they opened with a monologue, included some guests, and did their normal commercials, only they show me what’s going on.” Bellows has been following the podcast circuit since 2010, when he became a fan of…

DALLAS – After a checkup with a new primary care physician, local resident James Norris was relieved to find that a lady doctor can be good, too. “At first I was a little nervous since women are generally known to have smaller heads and thus smaller brains,” Norris said. “And I was a little off put when she didn’t curtsy, or demurely avoid eye contact with me, but you could tell she really did her best, and it showed!” But it wasn’t just physical differences that Norris was worried about, citing a concern that a woman’s natural tendency to gossip may…

SYDNEY – Investigators were stunned last week by new information received from the in-flight recorder onboard missing Malaysian Airlines flight MH370, which went missing March 8, 2014 after losing contact with air traffic control. After an exhaustive search, the in-flight recorder was located last Friday off the northeastern coast of Australia among debris discovered by satellite. The recording has revealed that the Boeing 777 was on autopilot at the time of the crash and was being piloted by Apple Maps. “We have deduced from the recording that although the pilot used the voice command function to request navigation to Beijing, China,”…

WOODLAND HILLS, Calif. – Though admitting itemizing “makes good business sense,” local porn star Candi Cummings has become overwhelmed at the number of dildos she’s had to write off this tax year. “When I gave my accountant my tax folder it was stuffed, just absolutely jam-packed,” Cummings said. “I must have had two, three hundred dildos in there, everything from The Caligula to Chocolate Thunder to Veinenstein.” While Cummings said in past years she failed to report the relevant dildos, during the 2012 tax season her colleague Summer Swallows changed her mind. Swallows convinced her that keeping track of the dildos…

HATTIESBURG, Miss. – Scientists at Phobus Labs in Hattiesburg, Mississippi are on the verge of an incredible breakthrough in the field of disenfranchisement. According to spokesman Virgil Lee Bowers, the organization could be ready to publicly unveil the results of its research as soon as next month. “Honestly, it’s been since the early 1600’s when the first Africans were brought over that we’ve seen something this incredible,” Bowers said. “It really is an exciting time to be doing God’s work.” Details are still scarce at this point, as Phobus Labs is keeping its work under a large veil of secrecy. “I can’t tell you…

LOS ANGELES – As Kobe Bryant’s legendary basketball career comes to a close, the five-time NBA champion and surefire Hall of Famer bestowed a special farewell upon teammate Jordan Clarkson Wednesday night, finally calling him by his real name. “I knew being a part of Kobe’s final game would be a memorable experience,” Clarkson said. “But when he said ‘Go where I tell you to go on the court, Jordan’ instead of ‘Go where I tell you to go on the court, asshole,’ I really began to tear up.” Though Clarkson and Bryant played together for two seasons, Bryant’s final NBA game was…