Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WASHINGTON – According to the beautiful spring weather and the amount of ice cold beer currently occupying my refrigerator, just begging to be enjoyed with friends, there will be a banging fish fry at my house this weekend. Warmer and longer days are back again, signaling the yearly ritualistic changing of the seasons, along with another famed ritual – parties that could go on until whenever. “We have all the fish you can eat, so come on by around late afternoon. Definitely have drinks, but it wouldn’t hurt if you brought some to keep the party going late!” said my…

OAKLAND – Screwball goof-off and noted oafish time traveler Dan Nooney is unable to shake the feeling this week that he might just be responsible for Donald Trump’s rise to the top of the Republican party. “I do a lot of time traveling, but I’m pretty clumsy,” Nooney said. “I stepped on a ton of lizard eggs from the Mesozoic Era a few weeks ago, and I couldn’t figure out the jet propulsion vehicles in 2074, so I drove mine straight into a pretty sizable crowd of people. I got back to 2016 before I could even assess the damage.” Nooney’s hapless misadventures…

NORMANDY, Mo. – The Chesterfield School District has long struggled with budget shortfalls, but its newest attempt to cut costs has raised some eyebrows as the district eliminated Teacher Appreciation Week to try and reign in spending. “It isn’t that we don’t appreciate teachers. We do,” explained Superintendent Nicole Starling. “We just can’t afford to show it in any way, shape or form.” The teachers in the district are understandably upset over the decision. After years of pay cuts and deteriorating classrooms, many teachers had come to rely on Teacher Appreciation Week as a source of not only motivation, but…

SAN FRANCISCO – Talk about a political gaffe. Ted Cruz suffered a humiliating wardrobe malfunction while campaigning in California this week when his suit of human skin began to tear at the seams during the candidate’s stump speech. “I promise, I will be the only candidate to stand up to the Washington Cartel and BRRRRZZZZGGGLEEEE EGOOOORKK,” Cruz said, as the human speech translator dislodged from his throat and cracked to pieces on the stage. Cruz’s rivals were quick to pounce on the incident, evidenced by Republican frontrunner Donald Trump’s customary insult on Twitter: The ripping of Cruz’s skin suit, revealing an unspeakable…

Just imagine: You’re out in the park for a run. It’s a beautiful sunny day, a bird flies by, you’re finally hitting your stride…when suddenly you hear it: the fingernails-on-a-chalkboard sound of some gross homeless guy begging for your help. With the new City Pulse line of headphones by Sonicast, you’ll never need to worry about the distracting sounds of the urban destitute bothering you again. This latest offering from Sonicast has the smooth full bass and crystal-clear audio you’ll need to drown out the cries of society’s refuse as you make your way around the city.  At $300, the…

TOKYO – Responding to a sudden increase in global demand, Japanese Minister of Culture Hiroshi Hase announced at a press conference Tuesday that bizarre sexual fetishes, the country’s largest natural resource, are finally running low. The announcement comes just weeks after Google began providing free internet to developing nations in an effort to increase public education. Unfortunately, this project, originally designed to increase access to educational resources for the world’s poorest populations, has instead led to an unprecedented increase in demand for new and bizarre internet pornography. The Japanese Ministry of Culture has publicly declared that it expected to run out of…

NEW YORK – Comedian John Oliver continued his streak of taking on national headlines in a hard-hitting way last night, when he literally eviscerated Donald Trump on his HBO program Last Week Tonight. Oliver, who went on a devastating attack of Trump’s lack of foreign policy knowledge, ended the segment by flaying the presidential candidate in front of his live studio audience. This is just the latest in a string of devastating bits the late night host has produced. Last week, Oliver destroyed the militarization of local police by bulldozing 20 different police stations. The week prior, he delivered biting criticism…

EARTH – Humanity celebrated the 46th annual Earth Day this year, wholly unaware that it would be the planet’s last. As revelers cheered on climate change legislation and rode their bikes to work, they remained blissfully unaware that Earth would not be celebrating a 47th Earth Day next year. “It’s simply a matter of probability,” alien lord Drexnum said from a spaceship hurtling toward Earth at unimaginable speed. The spacecraft is one of thousands set to arrive at our strangely hospitable planet in slightly less than one year. Green-thinking residents of Earth’s cities were seen completely ignorant of their impending…