Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

INDIANAPOLIS – Local Dungeons & Dragons play group leader Kip Langley considers himself a master of magic spells, having successfully wielded them in every conceivable room of his house, but remains unable to make any magic happen in the bedroom. “I remember one night, me and my buddies were down in the basement, casting touch spells left and right,” Langley recalled. “We really brought the roof down that evening. Another time, we were really going after that crit, trying to slay hard in the living room. Those were some good times.” Langley says even the bathroom is not off-limits when they’re…

It all started ’bout a year or two ago. Back then, ol’ Shea McCoy was still a regular guy, logging onto his PlayStation to play games and stream movies. He’d chat online with his friends as they shot their way through enemy hordes. Life was pretty good for Shea. Then one day Shea became a father to a baby girl. No one noticed anything at first. The changes, well, they came slowly. Shea’s friends would go days without talking to him, and when they did it seemed as if the energy had been sucked out of him, like he was…

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. – As the Tampa Bay Rays embark on their new season, the team is pulling out all the stops in reminding fans that it does indeed still exist. “We found that our lower attendance numbers come mainly from people simply not knowing that we’re still a baseball team,” team president Brian Auld said. “So our goal for this season is to make sure everyone knows we’re definitely still here, and we’re definitely still playing baseball. Except when we’re playing on the road, in which case please do not assume the stadium has been abandoned for years.” The organization…

LOS ANGELES – Stating that this is the time of year he has come to dread the most, Mr. T has once again found himself “disgusted” by the sheer number of fools in need of pitying he’s encountered today. “On an average day I pity anywhere from eight to fifteen fools,” Mr. T said. “But on April 1st, my quota goes up significantly. In the last hour alone I’ve pitied 53 fools. I’ll probably pity over 400 fools before the day’s end. It’s more than one man can bear.” Although Mr. T’s estimates are anecdotal, a study recently published by…

WASHINGTON – In what is being hailed by many as a stroke of brilliance, the FBI this week managed to unlock the phone formerly belonging to one of the San Bernardino shooters by leaving it unguarded at the table of the popular girls at a local public high school. One of the agents got the idea when he witnessed his fourteen-year-old daughter hack into a rival peer’s Facebook account “just to mess with her,” sources say. After gaining approval from their supervisor, the agents left the phone unaccompanied on what an apparent dork informed them was “the cool table.” “We really weren’t…