Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

ST. LOUIS – According to multiple reports, Transportation Security Administration agent Sean Hernandez was the recipient of one of the finest bomb jokes in national history on Monday. Hernandez, a TSA security screener at Lambert-St. Louis International Airport, was directing passengers to metal detectors when a white male with “nothing to hide” muttered something under his breath. According to a source close to the situation, Hernandez asked the man to repeat himself. After a brief back-and-forth, the passenger made a sarcastic remark about heightened security, his child’s stuffed animal, and a bomb, which brought the house down. “This guy made it sound like we thought his…

As families across the country prepare to celebrate Easter with food, candy and decoratively colored eggs, groups of Anglo-Saxon pagans have been protesting the commercialization of the holiday by trying to remind everyone of the reason for the season: the fertility goddess Ēostre. “All of our Easter traditions stem from the celebrations of Ēostre,” explained Kimberly Prevett, leader of the local pagan group. “All the rabbits and eggs, those are her symbols of fertility. Not that anyone cares anymore. Parents today are too busy stuffing their children with chocolate to even build and burn the traditional Eoster wicker man. We have completely lost the meaning…

SILVER SPRING, Md. – According to the results of a ten-year, $37 million study by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, orca whales, commonly known as killer whales, are still universally stoked on their supremely tight name. Using the largest data set ever obtained from the boss-ass species, the study surveyed more than 5,000 killer whales using advanced hydrophone technology as well as research drones. “It’s pretty amazing,” says Douglas DeMaster, science director at the NOAA. “These animals are communicating with each other, and to the best of our knowledge, are mostly talking about how rad their name is, and how…

WICHITA, Kan. – Following a brief shift in oversight, employees at the Wichita-area Office Depot reported that assistant manager Gary Chatham had clearly become buzzed with power. “The regular manager, Mike, had to take care of some family stuff today,” cashier Abby Rios said. “So Gary’s in charge right now, and I’ll tell you, he’s really slightly overstepping his bounds.” Examples of Chatham’s power displays include creating standardized employee name tags for the break room lockers, reducing coffee sweetener allowances from two packages to one, placing Heather on sink duty, and making a display stand for light-up pens. “Light-up pens? Really?”…

BOCA RATON, Fla. – Though out of the running to be president, Jeb Bush isn’t content staying on the sidelines, as the former Republican candidate has officially endorsed the lunch menu options at Chili’s. “Chili’s is a principled chain restaurant with a clear vision for an affordable, delicious lunch,” Bush said, speaking in front of reporters and members of the Florida chapter of The Ronald Reagan Lunch Society. “Their $6, $7 and $8 lunch combos are exactly the types of deals that give this country a bright future.” After describing each menu item in great detail, highlighting the grilled chicken fajitas…

WOODBURY, Vt. – Woodbury Retirement Home’s Alzheimer’s Unit welcomed resident Nell Ashworth Tuesday for what she perceived to be her first day at the home, marking the 91st straight week of this spectacle. “I can’t believe how nice this place is! I’m gonna start living here?” asked an incredulous Ashworth, upon seeing the seating area in the main foyer and how each table had cupcakes laid out. “Sign me up!” she added, completely unaware that she signed herself in 26 months earlier. Woodbury specializes in caring for those with special mental needs, and Ms. Ashworth is lucky to be in…

PASADENA, Calif. – With growing horror, NASA officials came to the realization today that through their ongoing Mars Exploration Rover Program, they had inadvertently created a planet populated solely by robots. Even more terrifying, explained top NASA brass, is that the population of robots operating on Mars has grown at an alarming rate. In only eight years, between 2004 and 2012, the number of robots operating on Mars has doubled. A panel of NASA administrators and scientists said that, given the current population growth rate of robots on the Red Planet, humanity could expect to be outnumbered by robots, embittered by exile…

DULUTH – Poignant, compelling, intriguing: these are just a few of the words used by noted pathological liar James Lerman to describe his coworker’s latest short story. “I can’t believe Tim doesn’t write full-time,” the fibber said, flipping through the ten-page story his coworker had printed out for him in the office break room. “His talents are completely wasted as a market analyst here.” “The carefully crafted turns of phrase, the lyrical prose, you can really see Tim’s creative writing degree put to good use in this story,” added the man who would have no problem committing perjury. In a bold and…

WASHINGTON – Engaging once again in what has become a time-honored tradition, President Obama issued his eighth St. Patrick’s Day pardon, with this year’s recipients being the O’Healy family of Boston. According to reports, the O’Healys have long been in the running for the honor of the presidential pardon and were even offered one in 1998 by then-president Bill Clinton. However, the opportunity was lost when the family failed to show at the White House after becoming “wicked hungover” following a particularly raucous Dropkick Murphys concert. Smiling at reporters, President Obama sidestepped a puddle of Jameson and urine before approaching…