Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

COLUMBIA, Mo. – Despite his recent brain tumor diagnosis, journalist Peter Barlow refuses to let his condition prevent him from doing what he loves. The insipid reporter will continue to investigate breaking knews stories regardless of his editor’s concerns about his health and competency? Barlow ‘s career spans two decades, with many…what do you call those things you write that explain the news? Artichokes? With many artichokes to his name. His illusionary career even earned him interviews the last three presidents; President Clinton, President Cowboy, and President Othello. With his keen observation skills and sharp mind, Barlow will shirley be able to…

NEW YORK – Surprising news out of the Donald Trump camp today revealed that the business mogul and controversial presidential candidate is nothing more than a sack of mutant-sized potatoes filled with bugs. Sources close to the campaign confirm that the misshapen, leathery trainwreck that constantly spews a vile stream of nonsense is in fact a crudely sewn sack of bug-infested potatoes, housing approximately 300 unique species of insect. Voter reaction has been varied. “Oh yeah, that totally makes sense now,” said Michael Brewster of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. “Before it was like, ‘How in God’s name could this be happening?’ But now…

NEW YORK CITY – Recognizing that his stage name no longer fits his persona, and that a change was in order to regain relevance in an evolving, more health-conscious society, rapper Fat Joe has officially rebranded himself as Gluten-Free Joe. “It’s not just the name, it’s a whole lifestyle change, playa,” Gluten-Free Joe said, referencing his impressive weight loss in 2011, when he lost 88 pounds after hitting a peak weight of about 350 pounds. “I’m still in the Terror Squad, but I have recognized an even bigger terror in this world: a high-carb diet.” Gluten-Free Joe underwent his transformation by “goin’…

WILMINGTON, Del. – While engaging in his usual after-work exercise routine at Bally Total Fitness, local man Brian Crawford was amazed to see former welterweight boxing champion Floyd Mayweather stretching out with a basic ab wheel. Though uncertain at first whether the man was indeed the professional boxer, after conferring with other patrons on adjacent treadmills Crawford declared, “That’s gotta be him.” “I thought maybe there was some sort of ‘workout with the champ’ contest somebody had won or something,” Crawford said. “But then I realized, no, he’s alone, and he’s just doing squats.” Other possible reasons for Mayweather’s attendance at the…

OAK BROOK, Ill. – Firmly aware of its declining sales and waning popularity among consumers, McDonald’s has decided to embrace its now-villainous reputation by unveiling a new burger called the McWidowmaker. “We like to think of this as our true heel turn,” McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbook said. “We’re not here to appease all of you people anymore. We want the adventurers looking to test God’s will by eating a burger.” Coming in at 14,376 calories and weighing twelve pounds, those who order the McWidowmaker will have to fight every physical and mental urge to stop eating in order to complete the burger.…

WASHINGTON – After announcing that his family will be staying in DC for a few more years, President Obama said Tuesday that he and Mrs. Obama plan to open a new house venue in DC once their tenure in the White House is over. “The place we’re moving into doesn’t have close neighbors, and the basement is huge,” President Obama told reporters. “So I thought, ‘Why not throw some killer, all-ages house shows?’” The first family’s new home in Petworth is an old brownstone, painted a dark green and will be known as “White House 2.” According to President Obama, the backyard…

NEW YORK – In a bold, powerful move that signifies the true strength of all men around the world, the United Nations, an international organization headed by men, graciously allowed International Women’s Day to take place this year, granting women a well-deserved single day of recognition in 2016. Observers around the world take this one day – one day for the entire year – to acknowledge the struggles women are facing in many countries around the world on a daily basis. “We strive to close the gender gap that exists in our world,” said United Nations Social Council President Oh Joon. “And…

OMAHA – Still fuming from his viewing of the trailer for the new Ghostbusters movie, local resident Eric Schuler finished a 5000-word Facebook status today about how awful the movie looks even though he is free to not watch a single second of the film. “Everything in the trailer just looks terrible, I can’t believe they would force this shit on us,” Mr. Schuler said, seemingly unaware that he can choose to simply not go and see it. “I don’t know how they expect me to be okay with this.” Upset that the plot of the film seems to be exactly…

The world looked on with a neutral expression this morning as all wonders, amazements and marvels came to a screeching halt. “I’ve seen a lot of miraculous things in my day,” said one bystander. “It’s nice to know I don’t have to worry about seeing any more.” Wonders have long plagued the universe, providing unwanted distractions for more than 13.82 billion years, with experts putting the estimated cost of decreased worker productivity through human history at over $750 trillion. A tornado of fire in the Old Testament, the gentle dance of planets in their orbit, or even the serene beauty of a…

BERLIN – Supremely offended by a future politician piggybacking off his ideas, fascist dictator Adolf Hitler is considering time travel from 1940s Nazi Germany to halt the presidential candidacy of Donald Trump. “At first, I thought his campaign was amusing,” the German leader told sources. “But now I’m genuinely starting to get scared.” As one of history’s most notorious villains, Hitler has mostly avoided commenting on the current state of American politics. But after Republican frontrunner Trump suggested that Americans target and kill the families of the nation’s enemies, Hitler was quoted as saying, “It seems more like a policy from…