Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

LOS ANGELES – Stating that this is the time of year he has come to dread the most, Mr. T has once again found himself “disgusted” by the sheer number of fools in need of pitying he’s encountered today. “On an average day I pity anywhere from eight to fifteen fools,” Mr. T said. “But on April 1st, my quota goes up significantly. In the last hour alone I’ve pitied 53 fools. I’ll probably pity over 400 fools before the day’s end. It’s more than one man can bear.” Although Mr. T’s estimates are anecdotal, a study recently published by…

WASHINGTON – In what is being hailed by many as a stroke of brilliance, the FBI this week managed to unlock the phone formerly belonging to one of the San Bernardino shooters by leaving it unguarded at the table of the popular girls at a local public high school. One of the agents got the idea when he witnessed his fourteen-year-old daughter hack into a rival peer’s Facebook account “just to mess with her,” sources say. After gaining approval from their supervisor, the agents left the phone unaccompanied on what an apparent dork informed them was “the cool table.” “We really weren’t…

ST. LOUIS – According to multiple reports, Transportation Security Administration agent Sean Hernandez was the recipient of one of the finest bomb jokes in national history on Monday. Hernandez, a TSA security screener at Lambert-St. Louis International Airport, was directing passengers to metal detectors when a white male with “nothing to hide” muttered something under his breath. According to a source close to the situation, Hernandez asked the man to repeat himself. After a brief back-and-forth, the passenger made a sarcastic remark about heightened security, his child’s stuffed animal, and a bomb, which brought the house down. “This guy made it sound like we thought his…

As families across the country prepare to celebrate Easter with food, candy and decoratively colored eggs, groups of Anglo-Saxon pagans have been protesting the commercialization of the holiday by trying to remind everyone of the reason for the season: the fertility goddess Ēostre. “All of our Easter traditions stem from the celebrations of Ēostre,” explained Kimberly Prevett, leader of the local pagan group. “All the rabbits and eggs, those are her symbols of fertility. Not that anyone cares anymore. Parents today are too busy stuffing their children with chocolate to even build and burn the traditional Eoster wicker man. We have completely lost the meaning…

SILVER SPRING, Md. – According to the results of a ten-year, $37 million study by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, orca whales, commonly known as killer whales, are still universally stoked on their supremely tight name. Using the largest data set ever obtained from the boss-ass species, the study surveyed more than 5,000 killer whales using advanced hydrophone technology as well as research drones. “It’s pretty amazing,” says Douglas DeMaster, science director at the NOAA. “These animals are communicating with each other, and to the best of our knowledge, are mostly talking about how rad their name is, and how…

WICHITA, Kan. – Following a brief shift in oversight, employees at the Wichita-area Office Depot reported that assistant manager Gary Chatham had clearly become buzzed with power. “The regular manager, Mike, had to take care of some family stuff today,” cashier Abby Rios said. “So Gary’s in charge right now, and I’ll tell you, he’s really slightly overstepping his bounds.” Examples of Chatham’s power displays include creating standardized employee name tags for the break room lockers, reducing coffee sweetener allowances from two packages to one, placing Heather on sink duty, and making a display stand for light-up pens. “Light-up pens? Really?”…