Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WILMINGTON, Del. – While engaging in his usual after-work exercise routine at Bally Total Fitness, local man Brian Crawford was amazed to see former welterweight boxing champion Floyd Mayweather stretching out with a basic ab wheel. Though uncertain at first whether the man was indeed the professional boxer, after conferring with other patrons on adjacent treadmills Crawford declared, “That’s gotta be him.” “I thought maybe there was some sort of ‘workout with the champ’ contest somebody had won or something,” Crawford said. “But then I realized, no, he’s alone, and he’s just doing squats.” Other possible reasons for Mayweather’s attendance at the…

OAK BROOK, Ill. – Firmly aware of its declining sales and waning popularity among consumers, McDonald’s has decided to embrace its now-villainous reputation by unveiling a new burger called the McWidowmaker. “We like to think of this as our true heel turn,” McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbook said. “We’re not here to appease all of you people anymore. We want the adventurers looking to test God’s will by eating a burger.” Coming in at 14,376 calories and weighing twelve pounds, those who order the McWidowmaker will have to fight every physical and mental urge to stop eating in order to complete the burger.…

WASHINGTON – After announcing that his family will be staying in DC for a few more years, President Obama said Tuesday that he and Mrs. Obama plan to open a new house venue in DC once their tenure in the White House is over. “The place we’re moving into doesn’t have close neighbors, and the basement is huge,” President Obama told reporters. “So I thought, ‘Why not throw some killer, all-ages house shows?’” The first family’s new home in Petworth is an old brownstone, painted a dark green and will be known as “White House 2.” According to President Obama, the backyard…

NEW YORK – In a bold, powerful move that signifies the true strength of all men around the world, the United Nations, an international organization headed by men, graciously allowed International Women’s Day to take place this year, granting women a well-deserved single day of recognition in 2016. Observers around the world take this one day – one day for the entire year – to acknowledge the struggles women are facing in many countries around the world on a daily basis. “We strive to close the gender gap that exists in our world,” said United Nations Social Council President Oh Joon. “And…

OMAHA – Still fuming from his viewing of the trailer for the new Ghostbusters movie, local resident Eric Schuler finished a 5000-word Facebook status today about how awful the movie looks even though he is free to not watch a single second of the film. “Everything in the trailer just looks terrible, I can’t believe they would force this shit on us,” Mr. Schuler said, seemingly unaware that he can choose to simply not go and see it. “I don’t know how they expect me to be okay with this.” Upset that the plot of the film seems to be exactly…

The world looked on with a neutral expression this morning as all wonders, amazements and marvels came to a screeching halt. “I’ve seen a lot of miraculous things in my day,” said one bystander. “It’s nice to know I don’t have to worry about seeing any more.” Wonders have long plagued the universe, providing unwanted distractions for more than 13.82 billion years, with experts putting the estimated cost of decreased worker productivity through human history at over $750 trillion. A tornado of fire in the Old Testament, the gentle dance of planets in their orbit, or even the serene beauty of a…

BERLIN – Supremely offended by a future politician piggybacking off his ideas, fascist dictator Adolf Hitler is considering time travel from 1940s Nazi Germany to halt the presidential candidacy of Donald Trump. “At first, I thought his campaign was amusing,” the German leader told sources. “But now I’m genuinely starting to get scared.” As one of history’s most notorious villains, Hitler has mostly avoided commenting on the current state of American politics. But after Republican frontrunner Trump suggested that Americans target and kill the families of the nation’s enemies, Hitler was quoted as saying, “It seems more like a policy from…

WASHINGTON – According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, fewer Americans are using tobaccy than at any point in over a century. This confirms a report by The Economist this year which showed sales of both smoking and smokeless tobaccy steadily declining. With the advent of electronic cigarettes and nicotine patches, along with more and more people choosing tobaccy’s chief rival tobacco as their drug of choice, tobaccy has seen a significant decline in popularity. “It’s sad,” said one local prospector. “I remember when you could go in the five-and-dime and get some good chaw tobaccy, but it…

ATLANTA – Metallica fans all over the world are celebrating the 30th anniversary of the band’s seminal album Master of Puppets today, including local data analyst Randy Hamilton, who is listening to it at a low, respectable volume in his cubicle. “This is the greatest thrash metal album of all time and I’m going to rock out all day to show my appreciation for it,” Hamilton said. “I just have to make sure it’s not too loud for Carol in the next cubicle.” Hamilton is a self-proclaimed Metallica superfan, having attended five of the band’s concerts before meeting his wife, Samantha, and…

PYONGYANG – The Korean Central News Agency excitedly announced today that North Korea has won new sanctions from the United Nations in a perfect 15-0 victory. “The UN was very impressed with our powerful, unmatched nuclear abilities and awarded us this high honor,” a KCNA spokesman said. The spokesman, who remained anonymous at the request of supreme leader Kim Jong-un, said, “We were given this excellent recognition by our weakest enemies, the United States and China. Both of them are highly embarrassed by our eternal strength and wish to gain our hand in support.” At press time, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon…