Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

ST. LOUIS – Ahead of Missouri’s Democratic primary Tuesday, former vice president Joe Biden held a town hall in the middle of a busy intersection he wandered into. “Joe has never felt so spry on the campaign trail,” said spokesman Andrew Bates of the presidential hopeful’s off-script interaction with voters. “His excitement to get out there is palpable, which keeps all of us around here on our toes.” Onlookers reported seeing Biden, who stepped off his campaign bus hours earlier to “shake JFK’s hand,” weaving in and out of cars, occasionally pausing to look around with “great fear” in his…

LAS VEGAS – Presidential hopeful Mike Bloomberg shocked the nation last night with a Vegas bender that cost over $400 million and ended in an astonishing display of public humiliation that aired live on NBC. The exhibition of utter dominance began when Lester Holt, debate moderator and true daddy, asked Bloomberg about the stop-and-frisk policy he enacted as mayor of New York. Bloomberg responded that he is embarrassed about stop-and-frisk and deserves to be punished. He then leaned over his podium and moaned, “I hope I don’t get spanked for this!” Senator Elizabeth Warren obliged, reprimanding him for his racist…

BEDFORD FALLS, NY – For the twenty-fourth time in his thirty-eight years, local man George Bailey delayed his Christmas suicide once again. Bailey, a frustrated man perpetually at the end of his rope, opted not to drown himself this year after interacting with an angel, Clarence Odbody, who showed him that the happiness of his entire hometown rested on Bailey’s slumped, weary shoulders. “Yeah yeah, I’m sticking around, I guess,” Bailey said. “Another banner year for George Bailey on the way. I don’t know. Maybe I can sell a kidney to old man Potter and buy a ticket to Monte…

LOS ANGELES – The patrons of popular restaurant Rossoblu expecting a nice, quiet meal were in for a rude awakening Sunday night, as they watched in shock as beloved actor Tom Hanks slayed a couple – in front of everyone – with his razor-sharp wit. “I had to keep asking myself if I was dreaming,” said Triston Marshall, who rushed into the street to tell passersby what was happening inside the restaurant. “It was like he [Hanks] just snapped. These people were being absolutely slayed right before our eyes.” The man and woman had approached Hanks’ table, reportedly asking for an…

BOSTON – According to research published in Archives of Sexual Behavior, millennials are having less and less sex with Kyle. A recent study found that a record number of millennials now rank their interest in having sex with Kyle as between little or no interest. The study found that for the third straight year millennials had less sex with Kyle than the year before. This trend has confused many scientists and sexuality experts who believed that with the advances society has made in sexual liberation, millennials’ rather progressive views, and the rise of hundreds of dating apps, millennials would have…

CHICAGO – Following a string of social gaffes that shocked and appalled his hosts, errant drifter Del Griffith was promptly asked to leave the Page family’s Thanksgiving dinner before the turkey had even been carved. Though he successfully delivered marketer Neal Page home for the holiday as promised, Griffith’s boorish behavior instantly put him at odds with the rest of the Page family. Within moments inside their home, Griffith tracked muddy boot prints across a snow-white living room carpet, knocked over three family photos, spilled an entire jar of mustard, and asked Susan Page’s father Walt if he had “voted…

WASHINGTON – Five years into the Great Tariff Depression, total economic collapse is looking more and more likely. Unable to lower interest rates any longer, and with further money printing only exacerbating inflation issues, the Fed has landed on one final effort to try and turn things around: monetizing Pokémon Cards to be used as currency. The move has puzzled the few economists left who have not been jailed by President Trump for pointing out that planting a penny in the ground will not make a money tree grow. “Look, we tried everything else,” an exhausted Fed Chair Herman Cain…

DETROIT – Following a contentious trial that captivated the nation, OCP Crime Prevention Unit 001, commonly known as RoboCop, was controversially acquitted on all charges in the shooting deaths of over 800 black youths. Though RoboCop’s actions in the four days the shootings took place were caught on 692,381 cameras, the assembled jury ultimately sided with the defense, finding the cyborg’s tactics “legally justified” and “within the bounds of law and order programming.” Family members of the deceased and civil rights groups immediately made their displeasure known, with ACLU President Susan N. Herman delivering an impassioned speech following the verdict.…

LOS ANGELES – By completely forgetting to mail in the FAFSA form by the federal deadline, an incredibly hot MILF, with giant, luscious breasts, has hardcore fucked her stepson. “Derek, I’m so sorry about losing you that financial aid,” the banging MILF reportedly said at her 18-year-old stepson’s door, her voluptuous tits nearly falling out of her tank top. “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?” Sources report the unbelievably smoking MILF, who must have been an inconceivable hottie during her younger days, approached her stepson with an arm of her glasses dangling from her…

Source: Marc Nozell HOUSTON – In the middle of Thursday night’s Democratic debate, frontrunner and former vice president Joe Biden suddenly appeared lucid and screamed that he was not well to a packed audience. “This isn’t right!” Biden shouted with notable clarity, interrupting Andrew Yang during a response on the economy. “Why are you people letting me go through with this?!” Though no one on stage responded to Biden’s outburst, audience members after the debate remarked on Biden’s “coherence” and “articulate yelling,” noting that it was refreshing to see the former Vice President show the same panicked emotion they feel…