Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

TEXARKANA, Texas – Heating a pot of coffee and skillet of beans over an open fire in the golden light of morning, Texas man Pete “Ten-Gallon” Lawson wondered if researchers had tested the effects of wearing a “big ol’ Stetson” on viral spread as the novel coronavirus continues to stretch from “hill to holler.” “I ain’t no scientist, but I reckon a ridge top or even a pinched front [hat style] might help stop some of those germs lopin’ along devil-may-care,” Lawson said. “They sure as hell kept a mite a rain off my hide out in the high lonesome.”…

WASHINGTON – In its annual report to Congress, the Pentagon today informed members of the Armed Services committee that the United States military response to a nuclear strike was currently at “something like three hours, or however long a game of golf takes.” They went on to warn that if the president were to attempt to tackle a truly challenging course like Oakmont or Bull Valley, casualties may reach as high as 75% of the U.S. population. The possibility of a particularly tricky sandtrap was also seen as highly concerning. Additionally, military analysts were undergoing “catastrophic event” simulations, should the…

After a landmark deal with the Devil in February this year, the Trump administration has continued its payout of over 118,00 American-made souls in return for a reelection in November. But the sudden oversupply of souls to the Devil has led to record-low returns on retail-level devil deals. “We’re absolutely overwhelmed by souls at the moment,” said Satan, Prince of Hell and Lead Negotiator for Netherworld, Inc. “We originally promised to deliver a reelection to Donald Trump in exchange for a sacrifice of just 50,000 citizens. To say he overdelivered would be the understatement of the century.” But the sudden…

OZ – The Wizard of Oz is being questioned by the city council for using $1.2 billion in emergency funds to build a yellow brick road connecting the city with Munchkin Land. The wizard has defended the use of funds as not only “necessary” and “urgent,” but also as “good for tourism.” At Thursday’s council meeting, however, Council Member Apple Tree referred to the spending as “wasteful” and said there was no public support for the project. “This road is massive and could easily have been paved with another, less expensive material aside from these custom yellow bricks,” Apple Tree…

As graduation ceremonies across the nation are threatened by cancellation or delays, high school graduates are wondering where and how they can commemorate their last few moments of joy before they head off to pursue the career of their parents’ dreams. Thanks to the COVID-19 pandemic, students are now left pondering dilemmas like, “What other time in my life am I going to get to be in the same room as my best friend, the guy I lost my virginity to AND the gym teacher who I’m pretty sure has been hitting on me this whole time?” and the obvious…

EWING, N.J. – American manufacturers have stepped in to aid the overwhelmed healthcare system as the death toll from the novel coronavirus rises, and Trojan is no exception, as America’s No. 1 condom has repurposed its factories to churn out and donate 50,000 Ultra Ribbed Lubricated Body Bags to hospitals nationwide. “During this pandemic, we are steadfast in ensuring all bodies receive maximum comfort and protection from infection,” Trojan spokesperson Wyatt Hartman said, adding that the company will deploy the Trojan Man to teach hospitals about unrolling the lubricated bags and sliding each body’s head inside the special reservoir tip.…

WASHINGTON – Amid the country’s frenzied panic buying, stock market dive, and general hysteria related to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, the United States’ Chief Panic Officer took time Wednesday to revel in his department’s unprecedented success. “This week has been better than our wildest dreams,” said Loren Yogurn, Chief Panic Officer and head of the U.S. Department of Mass Hysteria. “You’re always preparing for an event like this, and to see our team rise to the occasion, it’s the ultimate reward.” The department, which operates with a modest $5 billion annual budget, is responsible for ensuring Americans are panicking at…

BRENTWOOD, Tenn. – Graduation had an extra special attendee in the audience Saturday at West Pine High School.  Serving U.S. Marine Chuck Campbell took an unplanned leave from the military base where he is currently stationed and showed up to surprise his senior son, Rich Campbell. Stationed Marines are typically not allotted time off base except during days planned by their superiors, but Campbell made it known how important this was to him, and even volunteered to work his next three off days if allowed to go. Unfortunately for the Campbells, upon arrival at the school, it was explained to…

ST. LOUIS – Ahead of Missouri’s Democratic primary Tuesday, former vice president Joe Biden held a town hall in the middle of a busy intersection he wandered into. “Joe has never felt so spry on the campaign trail,” said spokesman Andrew Bates of the presidential hopeful’s off-script interaction with voters. “His excitement to get out there is palpable, which keeps all of us around here on our toes.” Onlookers reported seeing Biden, who stepped off his campaign bus hours earlier to “shake JFK’s hand,” weaving in and out of cars, occasionally pausing to look around with “great fear” in his…

LAS VEGAS – Presidential hopeful Mike Bloomberg shocked the nation last night with a Vegas bender that cost over $400 million and ended in an astonishing display of public humiliation that aired live on NBC. The exhibition of utter dominance began when Lester Holt, debate moderator and true daddy, asked Bloomberg about the stop-and-frisk policy he enacted as mayor of New York. Bloomberg responded that he is embarrassed about stop-and-frisk and deserves to be punished. He then leaned over his podium and moaned, “I hope I don’t get spanked for this!” Senator Elizabeth Warren obliged, reprimanding him for his racist…