Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

NEW YORK CITY – The evidence recovered from the most recent heist among a string of bank robberies around New York City this month was deemed inadmissible against Wall Street executive Jeff Woods on Monday. Upon learning of Woods’ income and ethnicity, judge Dan Lypton determined that the surveillance footage and exact fingerprint matches had no relevance to the proceedings, and immediately acquitted Woods of any wrongdoing. Lypton later expressed his dissatisfaction regarding Woods’ initial arrest to The Wall Street Journal.  “Yet again, we have another case of extreme abuse of power against a poor Wall Street executive and, most alarmingly, a…

SAN FRANCISCO – A months-long nightmare for local resident Michael Braun neared its end yesterday as he resigned himself to the terms and conditions of his agreement with Apple, one of the world’s largest electronics companies. Friends and family noted that Braun had not been himself lately as he struggled to face the truths of his situation. “He’s been really down. It’s felt like something has been eating away at him,” said girlfriend Heather Hellmuth. “It’s a big deal, whatever it is.” The slide into melancholy started when Braun purchased a MacBook for personal use. “I thought it would be cool to…

CHICAGO – Thursday was a landmark day at O’Hare International Airport, as its first automatic-flushing toilet surprised its 500,000th user with a violent, unwarranted flush. The automatic toilet, manufactured by American Standard, has been in use for almost fifteen years in Terminal 3, making it one of the most trafficked toilets in the world. “The toilets sure are durable, I can tell you that much,” said O’Hare spokesman Ed Willingham. “People from all over the world come through this airport and not all of them have even seen automatic toilets before.” “Imagine their surprise when it activates!” According to several users, the experience is…

WICHITA, Kan. – A local railroad track was reported to have received a significant pounding this week as a group of engineers ran a train on it. Despite being made from a reinforced steel alloy, the track in question found itself weak and quivering following the event. The engineers responsible for the train say they all love riding the rails and that doing so always gets their juices flowing. “That’s what this track was made for,” one engineer said. “It was just lying there, begging for it.” Another engineer believes that though railroad infrastructure continues to decay, upkeep isn’t of chief…

WASHINGTON – President Obama graciously accepted more than 300 million handmade macaroni pictures from citizens across the nation this Presidents’ Day. Many of the cards depicted the president in some of the most historic moments of his presidency, from him throwing a punch at the conservative members of the Supreme Court during the Affordable Care Act hearings to Mr. Obama personally gunning down Osama bin Laden with bullets made of macaroni pieces. Assuring the nation that each and every card meant a lot to him, the president took a few moments to read some of his favorites at a press briefing this…