Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

THE ISLAND OF KENJIR – Making a decree to the local Elders, Rajihara the Ancient One has commanded with the sound of many waters and thunder that virgins are to no longer be thrown into the volcanic Mt. Anuku as a sacrifice. Instead, He would prefer souls more experienced in the pleasures of the flesh who “actually know a thing or two.” “I get the whole ‘virtue of innocence’ thing. Really, I do,” Rajihara explained in a booming voice that stripped bare the forest, and rained fire from the sky. “But you just get tired of the same old thing, and it gets repetitive…

TRENTON, N.J. – Matt Kemper, 32, is rummaging through his belongings on a cold winter afternoon. The storage shed his father converted into a rumpus room for him and his friends in middle school still houses treasures from his childhood. “It’s all meaningless now,” Kemper says, half-heartedly shooting his old Super Soaker until the stream runs out, never bothering to pump it back to full strength. “Garbage.” Recently, Kemper, like many others, prepared for a binge of the anticipated Netflix show Fuller House, an update of the popular Full House sitcom that ended nearly 20 years ago. Kemper tidied up the old rumpus…

AKRON, Ohio – Citing numerous status updates and linked articles from the Drudge Report over the past five years, Ben Jeppers has come to the conclusion that Clint Howitz, his friend from high school, is now a Republican. “It all started when I noticed a post on his wall that mentioned some good things about John McCain,” Jeppers said. “This was back when we were all young and everyone was still on the Obama hype train, so I knew something about him was different. I posted that GIF of Obama kicking in the door, and Clint didn’t ‘like’ it. How…

PITTSBURGH – Excitement is high and the possibilities are endless with Leap Day upon us once again. And as the world gathers to celebrate its once-every-four-years extra day, local investment manager Jerry Banks is gearing up to for another Monday in his office. “I don’t know if I’d say I have big plans exactly,” Banks said. “I’ve got a client briefing in the afternoon and I think Dunkin’ Donuts might be having some sort of deal, so I might stop there.” Banks isn’t the only one with an exciting schedule today, though. Leap Day fever has also infected Bennigan’s waitress Jane Traeger. “I considered doing…

CHICAGO – Despite his best efforts, Chinese-born Chicago native Chun Jin confessed this week that he couldn’t find any defining physical characteristics of any Oscar nominee in this year’s monochromatic field. “I don’t get it,” the 49-year-old said. “Did the same guy get nominated for everything? Have you seen the photos?” Jin, who moved to the United States at age six, acknowledged that he hasn’t seen many movies this year, but noted that he was “pretty sure black people were in some good ones.” “Look at these two,” Jin said, pointing to multiple pictures of Matt Damon on his iPhone. “One…

OLNEY, Md. – Local accountant David Brenneman, 32, has been missing since 5:30 p.m. Wednesday, at which time his mother, Fran Brenneman, called him on the phone but received no answer. At 6:15 p.m., after making a second phone call which yet again was unanswered, Mrs. Brenneman called the police. “It is unlike my son not to answer my phone call, let alone not quickly return it,” Mrs. Brenneman told reporters. “The only possible answer is that my son’s time on Earth has ended.” There is much speculation regarding David’s passing. He had his weekly visit the previous night, where it has been reported that…

NEW YORK CITY – The evidence recovered from the most recent heist among a string of bank robberies around New York City this month was deemed inadmissible against Wall Street executive Jeff Woods on Monday. Upon learning of Woods’ income and ethnicity, judge Dan Lypton determined that the surveillance footage and exact fingerprint matches had no relevance to the proceedings, and immediately acquitted Woods of any wrongdoing. Lypton later expressed his dissatisfaction regarding Woods’ initial arrest to The Wall Street Journal.  “Yet again, we have another case of extreme abuse of power against a poor Wall Street executive and, most alarmingly, a…