Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

AKRON, Ohio – Citing numerous status updates and linked articles from the Drudge Report over the past five years, Ben Jeppers has come to the conclusion that Clint Howitz, his friend from high school, is now a Republican. “It all started when I noticed a post on his wall that mentioned some good things about John McCain,” Jeppers said. “This was back when we were all young and everyone was still on the Obama hype train, so I knew something about him was different. I posted that GIF of Obama kicking in the door, and Clint didn’t ‘like’ it. How…

PITTSBURGH – Excitement is high and the possibilities are endless with Leap Day upon us once again. And as the world gathers to celebrate its once-every-four-years extra day, local investment manager Jerry Banks is gearing up to for another Monday in his office. “I don’t know if I’d say I have big plans exactly,” Banks said. “I’ve got a client briefing in the afternoon and I think Dunkin’ Donuts might be having some sort of deal, so I might stop there.” Banks isn’t the only one with an exciting schedule today, though. Leap Day fever has also infected Bennigan’s waitress Jane Traeger. “I considered doing…

CHICAGO – Despite his best efforts, Chinese-born Chicago native Chun Jin confessed this week that he couldn’t find any defining physical characteristics of any Oscar nominee in this year’s monochromatic field. “I don’t get it,” the 49-year-old said. “Did the same guy get nominated for everything? Have you seen the photos?” Jin, who moved to the United States at age six, acknowledged that he hasn’t seen many movies this year, but noted that he was “pretty sure black people were in some good ones.” “Look at these two,” Jin said, pointing to multiple pictures of Matt Damon on his iPhone. “One…

OLNEY, Md. – Local accountant David Brenneman, 32, has been missing since 5:30 p.m. Wednesday, at which time his mother, Fran Brenneman, called him on the phone but received no answer. At 6:15 p.m., after making a second phone call which yet again was unanswered, Mrs. Brenneman called the police. “It is unlike my son not to answer my phone call, let alone not quickly return it,” Mrs. Brenneman told reporters. “The only possible answer is that my son’s time on Earth has ended.” There is much speculation regarding David’s passing. He had his weekly visit the previous night, where it has been reported that…

NEW YORK CITY – The evidence recovered from the most recent heist among a string of bank robberies around New York City this month was deemed inadmissible against Wall Street executive Jeff Woods on Monday. Upon learning of Woods’ income and ethnicity, judge Dan Lypton determined that the surveillance footage and exact fingerprint matches had no relevance to the proceedings, and immediately acquitted Woods of any wrongdoing. Lypton later expressed his dissatisfaction regarding Woods’ initial arrest to The Wall Street Journal.  “Yet again, we have another case of extreme abuse of power against a poor Wall Street executive and, most alarmingly, a…

SAN FRANCISCO – A months-long nightmare for local resident Michael Braun neared its end yesterday as he resigned himself to the terms and conditions of his agreement with Apple, one of the world’s largest electronics companies. Friends and family noted that Braun had not been himself lately as he struggled to face the truths of his situation. “He’s been really down. It’s felt like something has been eating away at him,” said girlfriend Heather Hellmuth. “It’s a big deal, whatever it is.” The slide into melancholy started when Braun purchased a MacBook for personal use. “I thought it would be cool to…

CHICAGO – Thursday was a landmark day at O’Hare International Airport, as its first automatic-flushing toilet surprised its 500,000th user with a violent, unwarranted flush. The automatic toilet, manufactured by American Standard, has been in use for almost fifteen years in Terminal 3, making it one of the most trafficked toilets in the world. “The toilets sure are durable, I can tell you that much,” said O’Hare spokesman Ed Willingham. “People from all over the world come through this airport and not all of them have even seen automatic toilets before.” “Imagine their surprise when it activates!” According to several users, the experience is…