Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

SAN FRANCISCO – A months-long nightmare for local resident Michael Braun neared its end yesterday as he resigned himself to the terms and conditions of his agreement with Apple, one of the world’s largest electronics companies. Friends and family noted that Braun had not been himself lately as he struggled to face the truths of his situation. “He’s been really down. It’s felt like something has been eating away at him,” said girlfriend Heather Hellmuth. “It’s a big deal, whatever it is.” The slide into melancholy started when Braun purchased a MacBook for personal use. “I thought it would be cool to…

CHICAGO – Thursday was a landmark day at O’Hare International Airport, as its first automatic-flushing toilet surprised its 500,000th user with a violent, unwarranted flush. The automatic toilet, manufactured by American Standard, has been in use for almost fifteen years in Terminal 3, making it one of the most trafficked toilets in the world. “The toilets sure are durable, I can tell you that much,” said O’Hare spokesman Ed Willingham. “People from all over the world come through this airport and not all of them have even seen automatic toilets before.” “Imagine their surprise when it activates!” According to several users, the experience is…

WICHITA, Kan. – A local railroad track was reported to have received a significant pounding this week as a group of engineers ran a train on it. Despite being made from a reinforced steel alloy, the track in question found itself weak and quivering following the event. The engineers responsible for the train say they all love riding the rails and that doing so always gets their juices flowing. “That’s what this track was made for,” one engineer said. “It was just lying there, begging for it.” Another engineer believes that though railroad infrastructure continues to decay, upkeep isn’t of chief…

WASHINGTON – President Obama graciously accepted more than 300 million handmade macaroni pictures from citizens across the nation this Presidents’ Day. Many of the cards depicted the president in some of the most historic moments of his presidency, from him throwing a punch at the conservative members of the Supreme Court during the Affordable Care Act hearings to Mr. Obama personally gunning down Osama bin Laden with bullets made of macaroni pieces. Assuring the nation that each and every card meant a lot to him, the president took a few moments to read some of his favorites at a press briefing this…

MEMPHIS – For nine-year-old Tommy Callow, his anticipation for Valentine’s Day began the first day of February. Passing friends in the hallway at school, he would remind them to get their cards ready and to expect a slight tummy ache from all the candy that would be coming their way. But to Tommy, the cards and candy were more than presents and treats. They were momentous. Momentous gifts that expressed affection and conveyed fondness, and, most importantly, were symbols of love. However, little Tommy Callow did not receive, in return, one single valentine during his school’s Valentine’s Day party. The clock struck three,…

CHANDLER, Ariz. – Citing concerns over his apparently waning ambitions and overall fitness, Gillian Cromwell wishes her shooter boyfriend, Glen Turkins, would be more active. “He goes on and on about the coworkers he hates and how much every other race drives him to the point of insanity,” she said. “But all he ever does is sit on the couch and talk about it. I really wish he’d get up and be true to his word for once.” Cromwell is pained by the memory of the man she once knew, a man who promised that the bloodshed by his hand would…

SAN DIEGO – As the new-wave sounds of Talking Head’s 1983 hit “Burning Down the House” played in the background, Brian Chase and Kelly Marshall, two convicted arsonists, announced their plans to wed. The two feisty firestarters first met on Tinder in 2014, where they immediately warmed to each other. “It was like he put a match to the kindling of my heart,” Kelly says of their first meeting. “Brian set my passions ablaze.” “I’m convinced it’s destiny,” said Brian about the relationship, “We love all the same things. Our favorite restaurant is Matchbox Pizza, our favorite TV show is…