Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

MEMPHIS – For nine-year-old Tommy Callow, his anticipation for Valentine’s Day began the first day of February. Passing friends in the hallway at school, he would remind them to get their cards ready and to expect a slight tummy ache from all the candy that would be coming their way. But to Tommy, the cards and candy were more than presents and treats. They were momentous. Momentous gifts that expressed affection and conveyed fondness, and, most importantly, were symbols of love. However, little Tommy Callow did not receive, in return, one single valentine during his school’s Valentine’s Day party. The clock struck three,…

CHANDLER, Ariz. – Citing concerns over his apparently waning ambitions and overall fitness, Gillian Cromwell wishes her shooter boyfriend, Glen Turkins, would be more active. “He goes on and on about the coworkers he hates and how much every other race drives him to the point of insanity,” she said. “But all he ever does is sit on the couch and talk about it. I really wish he’d get up and be true to his word for once.” Cromwell is pained by the memory of the man she once knew, a man who promised that the bloodshed by his hand would…

SAN DIEGO – As the new-wave sounds of Talking Head’s 1983 hit “Burning Down the House” played in the background, Brian Chase and Kelly Marshall, two convicted arsonists, announced their plans to wed. The two feisty firestarters first met on Tinder in 2014, where they immediately warmed to each other. “It was like he put a match to the kindling of my heart,” Kelly says of their first meeting. “Brian set my passions ablaze.” “I’m convinced it’s destiny,” said Brian about the relationship, “We love all the same things. Our favorite restaurant is Matchbox Pizza, our favorite TV show is…

Although adamant for more than two decades that he would never do “that” for love, famed singer Meat Loaf conceded this week that he’d recently changed his position. “You get to a point in your life where things look a little different,” the singer stated. “I mean, I’m 68. If you’re with someone you care about but something needs to change, suddenly ‘that’ doesn’t seem like such a big deal anymore.” This reversal surprises not just fans of the singer, but industry insiders as well, with many claiming it was well known within music circles that “that” was expressly off the table.…

AUSTIN – Someone call Teddy Roosevelt, because his bear is back in a big, grizzly way. Local substitute teacher Jackson Sommers is confident he set a new gold standard for Valentine’s Day gifts this year, having purchased for his girlfriend Cassandra an actual living and breathing bear. “I had already gotten her flowers, chocolates and teddy bears over the years,” Sommers remarked. “So this seemed like the next logical step. I can’t wait to see her face when she gets Bigsby.” Sommers thought long and hard before landing on the 600 lb. killing machine and alpha of the animal kingdom, but it…

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands – The Anne Frank House in Amsterdam will open its new Lisa Frank exhibit this Saturday. According to museum officials, the exhibit will be a retelling of Anne Frank’s haunting Holocaust story through the eyes of SparkleSass, a precocious young unicorn who fancies herself a writer. Museum visitors will first walk the troubled path of SparkleSass and her family, all of whom are persecuted for being too colorful, as the radical ideals in the Rainbow Mountain brew to a boiling point. Next, visitors get a peek at SparkleSass’ secret hideout in the depths of the Sunshine Stables before following her…

COLUMBUS, Ohio – Nearly 13 months have passed since Marvin, the two-toed sloth living at the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium, began the process of predicting who he thought would win Super Bowl XLIX. At precisely 4:56 a.m. this morning, Marvin wrapped himself in a Seattle Seahawks flag and flashed a confident smile. It was only shortly after that when his smile began its fifteen-minute journey to become a frown, as zookeepers told him the New England Patriots were victorious on a last-second interception last February. Undeterred, Marvin will begin the process of making his pick for Super Bowl 50 tomorrow afternoon. …

CHICAGO – Following a string of criminal admissions during a stream-of-conscious, free-flowing bit, a local improvisational comedian has been formally charged with conspiracy to engage in domestic terrorism and treason. Jeff Daugherty, 28, is also being held on suspicion of arson, armed robbery, corporate espionage and regicide. “I originally pulled him over for a broken taillight,” said arresting officer Matthew Geary. “And when I told him that he said, ‘Oh, so it’s not ‘cause this is a stolen car? Or the bodies in the trunk? Great!’” Though Daugherty’s car contained no corpses and was found to be fully registered to him,…

NEW YORK – An artisanal beard-crafting competition in Bushwick went off without a hitch, according to The New York Times’ newest reporter, a tenacious young article-writing software program named New York Times Article Writing Bot v. 1.01. Millennial pieces are a necessity for lifestyle reporting, and writing them is notoriously monotonous and stressful, demanding a combination of accuracy, speed and the ability to rapidly refresh the front page of Reddit. Those are just a few of the reasons why last fall The New York Times partnered with Manuscription Inc. to begin automating all Brooklyn-based lifestyle articles. Jamie Abosch, an assistant lifestyle editor at The New York Times tasked with implementing…

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. – Amid North Korea’s nuclear posturing, Iran’s unpredictability and ongoing U.S.-Russian tensions, Punxsutawney Phil – the world’s most lovable forecasting groundhog – foresaw this morning a nuclear winter that shall last until long after most of humanity has ceased to exist. The news brings plenty of disappointment to once-hopeful Americans, as Punxsutawney Phil is known for his expert accuracy, having also forecasted the Red Summer race riots of 1919 and the bloody Arab Spring in 2011.