Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WICHITA, Kan. – A local railroad track was reported to have received a significant pounding this week as a group of engineers ran a train on it. Despite being made from a reinforced steel alloy, the track in question found itself weak and quivering following the event. The engineers responsible for the train say they all love riding the rails and that doing so always gets their juices flowing. “That’s what this track was made for,” one engineer said. “It was just lying there, begging for it.” Another engineer believes that though railroad infrastructure continues to decay, upkeep isn’t of chief…

WASHINGTON – President Obama graciously accepted more than 300 million handmade macaroni pictures from citizens across the nation this Presidents’ Day. Many of the cards depicted the president in some of the most historic moments of his presidency, from him throwing a punch at the conservative members of the Supreme Court during the Affordable Care Act hearings to Mr. Obama personally gunning down Osama bin Laden with bullets made of macaroni pieces. Assuring the nation that each and every card meant a lot to him, the president took a few moments to read some of his favorites at a press briefing this…

MEMPHIS – For nine-year-old Tommy Callow, his anticipation for Valentine’s Day began the first day of February. Passing friends in the hallway at school, he would remind them to get their cards ready and to expect a slight tummy ache from all the candy that would be coming their way. But to Tommy, the cards and candy were more than presents and treats. They were momentous. Momentous gifts that expressed affection and conveyed fondness, and, most importantly, were symbols of love. However, little Tommy Callow did not receive, in return, one single valentine during his school’s Valentine’s Day party. The clock struck three,…

CHANDLER, Ariz. – Citing concerns over his apparently waning ambitions and overall fitness, Gillian Cromwell wishes her shooter boyfriend, Glen Turkins, would be more active. “He goes on and on about the coworkers he hates and how much every other race drives him to the point of insanity,” she said. “But all he ever does is sit on the couch and talk about it. I really wish he’d get up and be true to his word for once.” Cromwell is pained by the memory of the man she once knew, a man who promised that the bloodshed by his hand would…

SAN DIEGO – As the new-wave sounds of Talking Head’s 1983 hit “Burning Down the House” played in the background, Brian Chase and Kelly Marshall, two convicted arsonists, announced their plans to wed. The two feisty firestarters first met on Tinder in 2014, where they immediately warmed to each other. “It was like he put a match to the kindling of my heart,” Kelly says of their first meeting. “Brian set my passions ablaze.” “I’m convinced it’s destiny,” said Brian about the relationship, “We love all the same things. Our favorite restaurant is Matchbox Pizza, our favorite TV show is…

Although adamant for more than two decades that he would never do “that” for love, famed singer Meat Loaf conceded this week that he’d recently changed his position. “You get to a point in your life where things look a little different,” the singer stated. “I mean, I’m 68. If you’re with someone you care about but something needs to change, suddenly ‘that’ doesn’t seem like such a big deal anymore.” This reversal surprises not just fans of the singer, but industry insiders as well, with many claiming it was well known within music circles that “that” was expressly off the table.…

AUSTIN – Someone call Teddy Roosevelt, because his bear is back in a big, grizzly way. Local substitute teacher Jackson Sommers is confident he set a new gold standard for Valentine’s Day gifts this year, having purchased for his girlfriend Cassandra an actual living and breathing bear. “I had already gotten her flowers, chocolates and teddy bears over the years,” Sommers remarked. “So this seemed like the next logical step. I can’t wait to see her face when she gets Bigsby.” Sommers thought long and hard before landing on the 600 lb. killing machine and alpha of the animal kingdom, but it…