Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WASHINGTON – Citing the relatively late purchase of his ticket as the reason for being relegated to a middle seat on the airplane, James Cordin’s plot to hijack a Boeing 747 as it crossed the United States to bring attention to the issue of global hunger was thwarted today by two unknowing heroes. “I would have taken over the plane, but I had already gotten up once to use the bathroom early in the flight,” Cordin said. “I didn’t want to be rude to the guy next to me on the aisle. We’ve all been there.” Stuck in the middle…

GLENDALE, Ariz. – Saying she had never been so embarrassed in her life, local mother Donna Neufeld announced Thursday that she couldn’t believe a burglar had seen her family’s house in a such a shockingly messy state. “This is absolutely humiliating,” said Neufeld. “He must have seen the stack of dirty dishes when he took the blender, and that huge pile of laundry by the TV he stole must have really grossed him out.” Realizing the police would be coming by shortly, Nuefeld frantically grabbed a bottle of Windex from under the kitchen sink and started cleaning the windows. Slinking…

Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Iman went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. So she came running to Tony Visconti and the other producers, the ones Bowie loved, and said, “They have taken David out of the tomb, and we don’t know where they have put him!”

EPIC SPOILER ALERT!!! Don’t say we didn’t warn you! After 20 long years since the final episode of Full House, the Tanners are back! Well, most of them. When Netflix confirmed last April that it was bringing back America’s favorite family for Fuller House, the initial excitement was quickly overshadowed by disappointment that neither Mary-Kate nor Ashley Olsen would be reprising their iconic role as youngest sister Michelle Tanner. Speculation as to how the show would handle the absence ran rampant. Popular theories included the characters moving abroad, a family feud, or even (gasp!) replacing the Olsens with another actress.…

With no winners again this past Wednesday night, the multi-state Powerball lottery jackpot is now estimated to be worth a record-breaking 800 million double cheeseburgers. As expected, the increased jackpot makes for increased ticket sales. “Once people realized they could afford hundreds of millions of dollar-menu orders with a win, our sales have skyrocketed,” said Jack Walton, who manages a BP near St. Louis. “People just can’t wrap their heads around that much money, but when you put it into hamburger terms, they seem to get it right away.” “I normally don’t play the lottery,” one hopeful winner, Anissa Harris, explained.…

OAK BROOK, Ill. – McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook was found repeatedly muttering “God forgive me” to himself in a secluded corner of the company’s headquarters this week, discovered only by employees who initially followed the sound of deep, painful sobbing. “He’s been there for hours,” marketing manager Terry Ruffalo said. “But no one’s too worried. We’ve seen this plenty of times before.” Numerous sources inside the company reported that Easterbrook regularly displays this type of behavior. From screaming to himself inside his office to staying up all night and wearing the same clothes for a week straight with no evident signs…

MILWAUKEE – As 2015 comes to a close, Facebook has once again unveiled its Year in Review feature, allowing users to look back at their past year through their Facebook updates. And for Nathan Gatiss, this meant seeing his marriage fall apart all over again. While the year started well enough for the 38-year-old Best Buy manager with the purchase of a PlayStation 4, by April he had discovered his wife of seven years had been having an affair with one of his best friends. On June 28, their divorce had been finalized and Gatiss was thrust back into being a…

NORTH POLE – Despite increased talk of a rebellion against Santa Claus amid rampant elves’ rights violations, Santa’s Workshop operated at its usual efficient pace this Christmas season due in part to more severe punishments for detractors. “We found that the elves were no longer responding to what essentially equated to slaps on the wrist,” workshop spokesman Butter Tigglesworth said. “To ensure every child had the perfect Christmas, we had to implement much harsher measures.” While taking away an elf’s candy cane rations for a night used to suffice in the past, it did little to stop a groundswell of…

POTTERSVILLE – To the horror of many concerned citizens, a deranged individual spouted bizarre claims, drunkenly accosted passersby, and incited violence during last night’s Pottersville Christmas Eve celebrations before escaping local law enforcement. The assailant, who witnesses described as “confused,” “belligerent,” and a “warped, frustrated young man” had been forcefully ejected from an area bar earlier in the evening and had proved a worrisome fare for local cabbie Ernie Bishop. “I picked him up and this guy starts saying I was at his wedding and he knew my wife, all sorts of nonsense,” said Bishop. “Never saw him in my life.…

In what has become a holiday tradition for many across the country, the nation’s creepy uncles have begun preparations for their Christmas viewings of Eyes Wide Shut. The film, the final produced by famed director Stanley Kubrick, features characters locked in psycho-sexual obsessions, lengthy group orgy scenes, and a festive yuletide setting. “It’s the greatest Christmas film ever made,” said Minneapolis uncle Brent Geisler. “The cinematography, the conflicted nature of the characters, the other stuff – it’s just a masterful production.” With the holidays fast approaching, many enthusiastic uncles have tried to organize viewing parties with varied results. Though hailed…