Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

CLASSIFIED LOCATION – With all of the world’s diplomats and most important scientists, writers, artists and athletes in attendance in an underground bunker at an undisclosed location, the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists announced Tuesday that “it’s all good” as the Doomsday Clock stayed at three minutes to midnight. “We’ll all be quite safe for years – decades to come,” said Lynn Eden, a member of the Bulletin’s Science and Security Board, her voice muffled through the mask of her protective hazmat suit. “There is absolutely no need to panic.” As an above-ground siren could be heard from the bunker, located miles…

CLEVELAND – With news of his firing spreading throughout the sports world, former Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt has already informed media members of his next steps. “Instead of coaching overseas again, I will return to my roots as the leader of the Easter Island moai,” Blatt said. He is currently on a plane making the 34-hour flight to the remote island, where he will immediately reign over the mysterious ancient shapes once again. Before he got into basketball, Blatt was raised beneath the large stone shadows. He spent his youth with the statues and got his big break on…

DANVILLE, Va. – In a shocking broadcast Friday morning, local TV weatherman Jerry Chapman told slack-jawed viewers that the city should expect to receive eight inches overnight and probably for the next few nights as well. “This entire region is going to take a deep, hard pounding,” Chapman said. “And we all need to be prepared for it.” Response to the comments has been swift, with many Danville residents expressing surprise and disbelief. “He wishes,” fire chief John Mazzanti said through a statement. “We’ll see about that.” Other locals have called the remarks “worrisome” and “highly unlikely.” “Eight inches?” Mayor Cynthia Parish…

BALTIMORE – When Kyle Renald got on the subway for his afternoon commute, he expected to pop in his headphones and listen to his favorite band to pass the time. Instead, he was inexplicably forced to witness the unimaginable: a young woman breastfeeding her child. “It was unbelievable,” a visibly shaken Renald told reporters. “Just a complete disregard for decency. I don’t want to see that on my commute,” he said while ogling a passing 19-year-old’s hint of cleavage. Renald, who spent part of the morning sifting through an online library of lesbian porn, could not believe he was subjected to publicly witnessing…

KANSAS CITY – With a mail route of approximately 690 stops, local carrier Dale Winters says he has become numb to the endless nudity and sexual depravity he witnesses on a daily basis. “I figure 35 percent of the houses have someone at home during the day,” Winters said. “And apparently, those people don’t realize I can see right in their windows and front doors.” An informal poll of area residents who stay home during the day found that the majority of them openly engage in sexual acts (either with their significant others or by themselves) in their living rooms, typically around the time mail…

WASHINGTON – Citing the relatively late purchase of his ticket as the reason for being relegated to a middle seat on the airplane, James Cordin’s plot to hijack a Boeing 747 as it crossed the United States to bring attention to the issue of global hunger was thwarted today by two unknowing heroes. “I would have taken over the plane, but I had already gotten up once to use the bathroom early in the flight,” Cordin said. “I didn’t want to be rude to the guy next to me on the aisle. We’ve all been there.” Stuck in the middle…

GLENDALE, Ariz. – Saying she had never been so embarrassed in her life, local mother Donna Neufeld announced Thursday that she couldn’t believe a burglar had seen her family’s house in a such a shockingly messy state. “This is absolutely humiliating,” said Neufeld. “He must have seen the stack of dirty dishes when he took the blender, and that huge pile of laundry by the TV he stole must have really grossed him out.” Realizing the police would be coming by shortly, Nuefeld frantically grabbed a bottle of Windex from under the kitchen sink and started cleaning the windows. Slinking…

Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Iman went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. So she came running to Tony Visconti and the other producers, the ones Bowie loved, and said, “They have taken David out of the tomb, and we don’t know where they have put him!”

EPIC SPOILER ALERT!!! Don’t say we didn’t warn you! After 20 long years since the final episode of Full House, the Tanners are back! Well, most of them. When Netflix confirmed last April that it was bringing back America’s favorite family for Fuller House, the initial excitement was quickly overshadowed by disappointment that neither Mary-Kate nor Ashley Olsen would be reprising their iconic role as youngest sister Michelle Tanner. Speculation as to how the show would handle the absence ran rampant. Popular theories included the characters moving abroad, a family feud, or even (gasp!) replacing the Olsens with another actress.…

With no winners again this past Wednesday night, the multi-state Powerball lottery jackpot is now estimated to be worth a record-breaking 800 million double cheeseburgers. As expected, the increased jackpot makes for increased ticket sales. “Once people realized they could afford hundreds of millions of dollar-menu orders with a win, our sales have skyrocketed,” said Jack Walton, who manages a BP near St. Louis. “People just can’t wrap their heads around that much money, but when you put it into hamburger terms, they seem to get it right away.” “I normally don’t play the lottery,” one hopeful winner, Anissa Harris, explained.…