Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

ORLANDO – When man first walked on the moon in 1969, centuries of speculation were put to rest about the makeup of its surface. Contrary to popular myth, the moon was not made of cheese. Nearly 50 years later, NASA has a new hypothesis regarding a different celestial being – the sun. “We were as devastated as anyone when we learned the moon was not made of cheese, but we’re not letting it stop further research,” said Robert Cabana, director of the Kennedy Space Center. “Have you ever thought about the sun?” Cabana continued. “What we know is that the sun is actually…

SAN DIEGO – Citing the need for decency, realism and strict adherence to canon, local slash fiction author Brandon Accord is currently unsure of the correct number of Tribbles to include in his sex scene between Jean-Luc Picard and James T. Kirk. “I’m really struggling with the math,” Accord said. “I was never good at exponents in school so their rapid growth in numbers is throwing me for a loop.” Accord’s depicted scene features the two Starfleet captains, separated by centuries but pulled together for a rousing sex game by the omnipotent creature Q, rolling around the bridge of the Enterprise-D, lying on…

HOUSTON – It was revealed this week that NASA scientists developed an infinitely renewable, clean energy source in 1977, and the only records of this potentially world-changing technology were accidentally left aboard the Voyager 2 space probe’s hull just before it launched into space. NASA spokesman Thomas Nolan called this leak of information “an unfortunate revelation of NASA’s biggest embarrassment.” “One of our engineers set down the plans inside Voyager 2 while doing his final inspection and just plain forgot to take them out,” Nolan said. “Apparently, he left his lunch in there, too.” Nolan went on to explain that NASA…

LOS ANGELES – Though he says he appreciates The Force Awakens “for what it is,” George Lucas reiterated Thursday that he still harbors ill feelings toward his deal with Disney due to the company’s refusal to let him keep his Ewok coffee mug. “We were there at the ranch, and they were stripping Jar Jar decals off walls, prying up Death Star floor tiles – they even took the Salacious Crumb throw pillows,” Lucas said. “And I looked at [Disney CEO] Bob Iger and said, ‘Please, let me keep Wicket.’” “And he just…he just said, ‘As is,’ and ripped it from my…

DEEP SPACE – Realizing it has been quite some time since it pulled a fast one on an unsuspecting planet, an asteroid near Saturn has decided it would be good fun to sneak up on Earth when it isn’t looking. “I’m going to speed up to them like I’m going to slam straight into them,” the asteroid said. “They’ll freak out but really I’ll just zip right past them. It’ll be great.” This wouldn’t be the first time the prank has been pulled on Earth. Another asteroid attempted to play a similar joke on the planet 65 million years ago; however, the…

WASHINGTON – With Christmas just over two weeks away, President Obama issued this year’s annual pardon to Philadelphia mall Santa Glenn Bauer. “This is a special time for many Americans,” Obama said. “One of charity, goodwill and forgiveness. And if we can’t forgive Santa Claus, who can we forgive?” The recipient of the pardon was selected from an extensive White House database of mall Santas with lengthy criminal records. Bauer’s past crimes include fraud, identity theft, breaking and entering, public intoxication, disorderly conduct, reckless endangerment, lewd conduct with a minor and attempted arson. President Obama said Bauer’s “wide variety of…

ROCHESTER, N.Y. – Early this morning, the Elf on the Shelf was escorted out of a residence by police after being charged with 16 counts of lewd conduct involving the Bunt children Michael, 11, and Ellie, 7. “It’s horrifying,” father Milton Bunt said. “I never in a million years would have thought someone staying in our house simply to spy on our children at all hours of the day and night could take such an awful turn.” Ostensibly employed by Santa Claus to file reports on the behavior of children, the Elf on the Shelf has allegedly committed serious abuse of…

LEAVENWORTH, Kan. – Averting their gaze and squirming uncomfortably in their seats, the Miller family sat in shocked revulsion as local grandmother Rose Miller, 82, praised the many fine qualities of the holiday cream pie she had made for the family. “I knew things weren’t going well from the moment she had to excuse herself for wiping some cream pie from her mouth,” said Miller’s son Jonathan, wrinkling his nose in disgust and noting how wide-eyed family members were silently begging God or anyone to step in and stop the conversation. Continuing unabated, Rose Miller began to extol the finer points of…