Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

OAK BROOK, Ill. – McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook was found repeatedly muttering “God forgive me” to himself in a secluded corner of the company’s headquarters this week, discovered only by employees who initially followed the sound of deep, painful sobbing. “He’s been there for hours,” marketing manager Terry Ruffalo said. “But no one’s too worried. We’ve seen this plenty of times before.” Numerous sources inside the company reported that Easterbrook regularly displays this type of behavior. From screaming to himself inside his office to staying up all night and wearing the same clothes for a week straight with no evident signs…

MILWAUKEE – As 2015 comes to a close, Facebook has once again unveiled its Year in Review feature, allowing users to look back at their past year through their Facebook updates. And for Nathan Gatiss, this meant seeing his marriage fall apart all over again. While the year started well enough for the 38-year-old Best Buy manager with the purchase of a PlayStation 4, by April he had discovered his wife of seven years had been having an affair with one of his best friends. On June 28, their divorce had been finalized and Gatiss was thrust back into being a…

NORTH POLE – Despite increased talk of a rebellion against Santa Claus amid rampant elves’ rights violations, Santa’s Workshop operated at its usual efficient pace this Christmas season due in part to more severe punishments for detractors. “We found that the elves were no longer responding to what essentially equated to slaps on the wrist,” workshop spokesman Butter Tigglesworth said. “To ensure every child had the perfect Christmas, we had to implement much harsher measures.” While taking away an elf’s candy cane rations for a night used to suffice in the past, it did little to stop a groundswell of…

POTTERSVILLE – To the horror of many concerned citizens, a deranged individual spouted bizarre claims, drunkenly accosted passersby, and incited violence during last night’s Pottersville Christmas Eve celebrations before escaping local law enforcement. The assailant, who witnesses described as “confused,” “belligerent,” and a “warped, frustrated young man” had been forcefully ejected from an area bar earlier in the evening and had proved a worrisome fare for local cabbie Ernie Bishop. “I picked him up and this guy starts saying I was at his wedding and he knew my wife, all sorts of nonsense,” said Bishop. “Never saw him in my life.…

In what has become a holiday tradition for many across the country, the nation’s creepy uncles have begun preparations for their Christmas viewings of Eyes Wide Shut. The film, the final produced by famed director Stanley Kubrick, features characters locked in psycho-sexual obsessions, lengthy group orgy scenes, and a festive yuletide setting. “It’s the greatest Christmas film ever made,” said Minneapolis uncle Brent Geisler. “The cinematography, the conflicted nature of the characters, the other stuff – it’s just a masterful production.” With the holidays fast approaching, many enthusiastic uncles have tried to organize viewing parties with varied results. Though hailed…

ORLANDO – When man first walked on the moon in 1969, centuries of speculation were put to rest about the makeup of its surface. Contrary to popular myth, the moon was not made of cheese. Nearly 50 years later, NASA has a new hypothesis regarding a different celestial being – the sun. “We were as devastated as anyone when we learned the moon was not made of cheese, but we’re not letting it stop further research,” said Robert Cabana, director of the Kennedy Space Center. “Have you ever thought about the sun?” Cabana continued. “What we know is that the sun is actually…

SAN DIEGO – Citing the need for decency, realism and strict adherence to canon, local slash fiction author Brandon Accord is currently unsure of the correct number of Tribbles to include in his sex scene between Jean-Luc Picard and James T. Kirk. “I’m really struggling with the math,” Accord said. “I was never good at exponents in school so their rapid growth in numbers is throwing me for a loop.” Accord’s depicted scene features the two Starfleet captains, separated by centuries but pulled together for a rousing sex game by the omnipotent creature Q, rolling around the bridge of the Enterprise-D, lying on…

HOUSTON – It was revealed this week that NASA scientists developed an infinitely renewable, clean energy source in 1977, and the only records of this potentially world-changing technology were accidentally left aboard the Voyager 2 space probe’s hull just before it launched into space. NASA spokesman Thomas Nolan called this leak of information “an unfortunate revelation of NASA’s biggest embarrassment.” “One of our engineers set down the plans inside Voyager 2 while doing his final inspection and just plain forgot to take them out,” Nolan said. “Apparently, he left his lunch in there, too.” Nolan went on to explain that NASA…

LOS ANGELES – Though he says he appreciates The Force Awakens “for what it is,” George Lucas reiterated Thursday that he still harbors ill feelings toward his deal with Disney due to the company’s refusal to let him keep his Ewok coffee mug. “We were there at the ranch, and they were stripping Jar Jar decals off walls, prying up Death Star floor tiles – they even took the Salacious Crumb throw pillows,” Lucas said. “And I looked at [Disney CEO] Bob Iger and said, ‘Please, let me keep Wicket.’” “And he just…he just said, ‘As is,’ and ripped it from my…