Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

DEEP SPACE – Realizing it has been quite some time since it pulled a fast one on an unsuspecting planet, an asteroid near Saturn has decided it would be good fun to sneak up on Earth when it isn’t looking. “I’m going to speed up to them like I’m going to slam straight into them,” the asteroid said. “They’ll freak out but really I’ll just zip right past them. It’ll be great.” This wouldn’t be the first time the prank has been pulled on Earth. Another asteroid attempted to play a similar joke on the planet 65 million years ago; however, the…

WASHINGTON – With Christmas just over two weeks away, President Obama issued this year’s annual pardon to Philadelphia mall Santa Glenn Bauer. “This is a special time for many Americans,” Obama said. “One of charity, goodwill and forgiveness. And if we can’t forgive Santa Claus, who can we forgive?” The recipient of the pardon was selected from an extensive White House database of mall Santas with lengthy criminal records. Bauer’s past crimes include fraud, identity theft, breaking and entering, public intoxication, disorderly conduct, reckless endangerment, lewd conduct with a minor and attempted arson. President Obama said Bauer’s “wide variety of…

ROCHESTER, N.Y. – Early this morning, the Elf on the Shelf was escorted out of a residence by police after being charged with 16 counts of lewd conduct involving the Bunt children Michael, 11, and Ellie, 7. “It’s horrifying,” father Milton Bunt said. “I never in a million years would have thought someone staying in our house simply to spy on our children at all hours of the day and night could take such an awful turn.” Ostensibly employed by Santa Claus to file reports on the behavior of children, the Elf on the Shelf has allegedly committed serious abuse of…

LEAVENWORTH, Kan. – Averting their gaze and squirming uncomfortably in their seats, the Miller family sat in shocked revulsion as local grandmother Rose Miller, 82, praised the many fine qualities of the holiday cream pie she had made for the family. “I knew things weren’t going well from the moment she had to excuse herself for wiping some cream pie from her mouth,” said Miller’s son Jonathan, wrinkling his nose in disgust and noting how wide-eyed family members were silently begging God or anyone to step in and stop the conversation. Continuing unabated, Rose Miller began to extol the finer points of…

KANSAS CITY – The Kansas City Chiefs will be without their explosive running back Stephen Watkins this Sunday, as he has been ruled out with a concussion. Watkins suffered the head trauma after headbutting his girlfriend, whose name has not been released. The injury occurred Thursday night, after the couple was seen arguing inside a Subway restaurant near the team’s training facility. Witnesses reportedly overheard exclamations of, “We’re not getting that, it’s not a five-dollar footlong” and “Oh come on, you know double meat costs extra.” The altercation turned physical outside the restaurant, when Watkins’ girlfriend refused to share her Sun…

WASHINGTON – With mass shootings occurring at an unprecedented rate, a recent poll finds that the most dangerous game has overtaken baseball and football to become the new national pastime. Analysts believe the popularity of the game can be attributed to its “spontaneity, total lack of rules and extreme violence,” though some have countered that increased media coverage of the sport is what has truly endeared it to the country. “It was sort of like hockey there for a while,” said Indianapolis sports fan Carl Mercer. “I had some awareness but didn’t really follow it. But now every time you check…

CLEVELAND – Multi-platinum recording artist Kid Rock will be entering the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum this year, encased behind glass as part of his very own exhibit. “We are tremendously excited about this opportunity,” Hall of Fame spokesman Terry Gothwright said. “Rather than wait for him to go on tour, fans can see Kid Rock up close and personal each and every day.” The exhibit will feature a variety of artifacts to give visitors a fully immersive experience into what it means to be one of the top-selling male solo artists of the 2000’s. Specific items include…

“Avoidlay New Yorkoo on Septembray Elevensies.” – May-Loo (fell asleep in 1999) “An expansionlay of household debt financed with mortgage-backed securitieswoo and collateralized debt obligationlay will offer attractive rates of return-tah for banks due to higher interest on mortgages. However, the lower quality credit-boo of borrowers will ultimately cause massive defaults-loo, peaking in 2008. This will be a major cause of a severe global recession-dah-loo.” – Ah-Bay (fell asleep in 2001) “Ten hornsoo and ten kingslay shall arise from this kingdom-dah and the Antichrist-woo too shall rise after them.” – Kee-Tou (fell asleep in 2005)

WASHINGTON – In a move being decried by most economists, the Federal Reserve Bank released more than $2 trillion in strategic Kohl’s Cash reserves today to free up resources for those trying to get by this holiday season. Would-be business owner Jessica Massy doesn’t understand the backlash. “I was able to trade in the Kohl’s Cash I had saved over the years for the keys to an old liquor store down the street,” Massy said. “It even came fully stocked! Without the Kohl’s Cash Act of 2015, a normal American like me couldn’t dream of something like this.” Many economists are…