Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

“Avoidlay New Yorkoo on Septembray Elevensies.” – May-Loo (fell asleep in 1999) “An expansionlay of household debt financed with mortgage-backed securitieswoo and collateralized debt obligationlay will offer attractive rates of return-tah for banks due to higher interest on mortgages. However, the lower quality credit-boo of borrowers will ultimately cause massive defaults-loo, peaking in 2008. This will be a major cause of a severe global recession-dah-loo.” – Ah-Bay (fell asleep in 2001) “Ten hornsoo and ten kingslay shall arise from this kingdom-dah and the Antichrist-woo too shall rise after them.” – Kee-Tou (fell asleep in 2005)

WASHINGTON – In a move being decried by most economists, the Federal Reserve Bank released more than $2 trillion in strategic Kohl’s Cash reserves today to free up resources for those trying to get by this holiday season. Would-be business owner Jessica Massy doesn’t understand the backlash. “I was able to trade in the Kohl’s Cash I had saved over the years for the keys to an old liquor store down the street,” Massy said. “It even came fully stocked! Without the Kohl’s Cash Act of 2015, a normal American like me couldn’t dream of something like this.” Many economists are…

HEAVEN – Saying he feels “pretty torn up about the whole thing,” God admitted today that Thanksgiving “bums him out” each year due to his part in the holiday’s mass slaughtering of turkeys. “Look, I know it’s a festival of togetherness,” God said. “And of course there’s going to be a feast, but 46 million killed a year for one day – and that’s just in the United States – I…I can’t just wash my hands of it.” Pressed for details about why he feels so responsible, God said turkeys’ “flightlessness,” “plump, inviting size,” and “Goddamn deliciousness” made them irresistible…

SEATTLE – With no meaningful connections in town and lacking travel arrangements to fly home, 31-year-old Sean Karper has decided to spend Thanksgiving alone in his one-bedroom apartment this year, and he is 100 percent okay with that. “It really worked out for the best,” Karper said after a deep sigh. “Andrea breaking up with me means I don’t have to spend the day listening to her parents argue about their vacation property while Steely Dan plays in the background. And since there are no flights left to get to Newport, I’ll end up saving money by not making the trip.”…

CLINTON, Iowa – Scoffing again at the foliage-themed Evite.com invitation, Nick Reineck found himself in the spirit of the season as he gave thanks for having the wisdom to not attend Alison Brendt’s annual Friendsgiving party. Rolling his eyes as he pictured the artisanal cranberry sauce and lovingly prepared tofurky, Reineck shoveled another handful of dry Froot Loops into his mouth. “I can picture those chumps now,” chuckled Reineck. “Trapped at the table listening to Julie rant on about how much she loves her friends.” “And I can practically hear Chad making some stupid Tindr joke. ‘I’d swipe right at this dinner!’ I…

SAUGERTIES, N.Y. – Traveling from his current residence in Manhattan to his hometown of Saugerties for the Thanksgiving weekend, Brandon O’Dowd plans to resort to his old favorite hide-and-seek spots for some respite from his Uncle Daryl’s bigoted philosophies. It has been reported that the back of the coat closet is still incredibly secluded and relatively spacious, and it provides ample sound isolation from Daryl’s ideas about how to take down ISIS. However, the spot on the other side of the bookshelf can no longer conceal a full-grown adult, and it leaves O’Dowd susceptible to his uncle’s plans for where…

GOSHEN, Ind. – Speculation is swirling over what a local baby could be so sad about. Crying loudly for over 40 minutes straight, sources report that the baby could be depressed over almost anything, with guesses ranging wildly from a bad review at work to a recent viewing of The Notebook. One source close to the baby guessed it may have just been a while since the baby went ahead and had a good cry. “I know if I go too long without letting a few tears drop, I become pretty emotional myself,” the source added. “Could be that the baby…

MINNEAPOLIS – Though they are aware of the lax international diamond trade regulations, and the human rights violations surely committed to produce their engagement ring, local couple Mike Barrett and Karen Schreiber had to concede the ring was “still just gorgeous.” “Oh yeah, look at that color,” Schreiber said. “It draws your eye right to it.” While the couple conducted extensive research on the blood diamond trade, and even considered opting for a nontraditional gemstone in place of a diamond, ultimately the sales rep at Kay Jewelers convinced them of their purchase with a whispered, “Everybody does it.” “I’m sure a…

WILMINGTON, N.C. – Local arachnid and all-around chilled-out guy Aaron Diadentus reportedly wants to just kick back and enjoy a cool wave, according to several residents of the house down the street with the giant porch. “I’m just trying to groove on it, Daddy-o,” Diadentus said. “No need to rock the boat! Like they always say, ‘Don’t drink and drive – you might spill your drink!’” Residents of the massively porched house aren’t convinced. “You’ll be sitting around, watching the grass grow, enjoying a beautiful fall evening out on the porch, and then out of nowhere, there’s Aaron…clinging…lingering…” said one resident,…