Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

SAN DIEGO – Citing the need for decency, realism and strict adherence to canon, local slash fiction author Brandon Accord is currently unsure of the correct number of Tribbles to include in his sex scene between Jean-Luc Picard and James T. Kirk. “I’m really struggling with the math,” Accord said. “I was never good at exponents in school so their rapid growth in numbers is throwing me for a loop.” Accord’s depicted scene features the two Starfleet captains, separated by centuries but pulled together for a rousing sex game by the omnipotent creature Q, rolling around the bridge of the Enterprise-D, lying on…

HOUSTON – It was revealed this week that NASA scientists developed an infinitely renewable, clean energy source in 1977, and the only records of this potentially world-changing technology were accidentally left aboard the Voyager 2 space probe’s hull just before it launched into space. NASA spokesman Thomas Nolan called this leak of information “an unfortunate revelation of NASA’s biggest embarrassment.” “One of our engineers set down the plans inside Voyager 2 while doing his final inspection and just plain forgot to take them out,” Nolan said. “Apparently, he left his lunch in there, too.” Nolan went on to explain that NASA…

LOS ANGELES – Though he says he appreciates The Force Awakens “for what it is,” George Lucas reiterated Thursday that he still harbors ill feelings toward his deal with Disney due to the company’s refusal to let him keep his Ewok coffee mug. “We were there at the ranch, and they were stripping Jar Jar decals off walls, prying up Death Star floor tiles – they even took the Salacious Crumb throw pillows,” Lucas said. “And I looked at [Disney CEO] Bob Iger and said, ‘Please, let me keep Wicket.’” “And he just…he just said, ‘As is,’ and ripped it from my…

DEEP SPACE – Realizing it has been quite some time since it pulled a fast one on an unsuspecting planet, an asteroid near Saturn has decided it would be good fun to sneak up on Earth when it isn’t looking. “I’m going to speed up to them like I’m going to slam straight into them,” the asteroid said. “They’ll freak out but really I’ll just zip right past them. It’ll be great.” This wouldn’t be the first time the prank has been pulled on Earth. Another asteroid attempted to play a similar joke on the planet 65 million years ago; however, the…

WASHINGTON – With Christmas just over two weeks away, President Obama issued this year’s annual pardon to Philadelphia mall Santa Glenn Bauer. “This is a special time for many Americans,” Obama said. “One of charity, goodwill and forgiveness. And if we can’t forgive Santa Claus, who can we forgive?” The recipient of the pardon was selected from an extensive White House database of mall Santas with lengthy criminal records. Bauer’s past crimes include fraud, identity theft, breaking and entering, public intoxication, disorderly conduct, reckless endangerment, lewd conduct with a minor and attempted arson. President Obama said Bauer’s “wide variety of…

ROCHESTER, N.Y. – Early this morning, the Elf on the Shelf was escorted out of a residence by police after being charged with 16 counts of lewd conduct involving the Bunt children Michael, 11, and Ellie, 7. “It’s horrifying,” father Milton Bunt said. “I never in a million years would have thought someone staying in our house simply to spy on our children at all hours of the day and night could take such an awful turn.” Ostensibly employed by Santa Claus to file reports on the behavior of children, the Elf on the Shelf has allegedly committed serious abuse of…

LEAVENWORTH, Kan. – Averting their gaze and squirming uncomfortably in their seats, the Miller family sat in shocked revulsion as local grandmother Rose Miller, 82, praised the many fine qualities of the holiday cream pie she had made for the family. “I knew things weren’t going well from the moment she had to excuse herself for wiping some cream pie from her mouth,” said Miller’s son Jonathan, wrinkling his nose in disgust and noting how wide-eyed family members were silently begging God or anyone to step in and stop the conversation. Continuing unabated, Rose Miller began to extol the finer points of…

KANSAS CITY – The Kansas City Chiefs will be without their explosive running back Stephen Watkins this Sunday, as he has been ruled out with a concussion. Watkins suffered the head trauma after headbutting his girlfriend, whose name has not been released. The injury occurred Thursday night, after the couple was seen arguing inside a Subway restaurant near the team’s training facility. Witnesses reportedly overheard exclamations of, “We’re not getting that, it’s not a five-dollar footlong” and “Oh come on, you know double meat costs extra.” The altercation turned physical outside the restaurant, when Watkins’ girlfriend refused to share her Sun…

WASHINGTON – With mass shootings occurring at an unprecedented rate, a recent poll finds that the most dangerous game has overtaken baseball and football to become the new national pastime. Analysts believe the popularity of the game can be attributed to its “spontaneity, total lack of rules and extreme violence,” though some have countered that increased media coverage of the sport is what has truly endeared it to the country. “It was sort of like hockey there for a while,” said Indianapolis sports fan Carl Mercer. “I had some awareness but didn’t really follow it. But now every time you check…