Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

MARS – For the third straight month, interest rates at the First Bank of Mars have seen a full percentage point of growth. Lack of confidence in the faltering water market is speculated to be a major factor. “We really put a lot of faith in the discovery of more water,” bank official James Dale remarked. “The outlook was very promising, but in reality there just wasn’t anything there. I don’t want to point fingers, but where do you think NASA keeps its money? It certainly isn’t on Mars with us.” Citizens of Mars Colony B-6, the largest colony on the…

ZORGON-3 – Soaring far above the endless blue skies of Zorgon-3, locked in an endless and graceful orbital dance, flies Star Base Rythor X, the largest and most complex orbital office park ever dared to be dreamt by man*. But all is not well in the Star Base. Accountants across the galaxy have been struggling with new space tax write-off requirements, but perhaps none so much as those circling the pristine world of Zorgon-3, where nature conservancy laws prohibit flights in or out of the planet. With access to the planet’s surface through traditional means extremely limited, transporters have become the only…

HILL VALLEY, Calif. – According to eyewitness reports from local residents, an unidentified flying object was seen appearing and disappearing in the sky at different periods Wednesday, each time followed by what one witness called “fire trails.” “That thing was fast, too,” said local dealership owner Goldie Wilson III. “Had to be going 80, 90 miles an hour.” Described as metallic and rectangular in shape, the object reportedly featured unusual, blue glowing lights and several jutting, undetermined mechanical parts. Local lore indicates it could be the same vehicle claimed to have been seen throughout Hill Valley’s history, with sightings ranging…

61-year-old toll booth operator Richard Simpkins was found yesterday stuck inside a time warp of his own making, caused by his inability to move past his obsession with The Rocky Horror Picture Show. “I remember when I was 21 and it first came out,” Simpkins said. “Doing ‘The Time Warp’ changed my life.” As everyone else in Simpkins’ life moved forward in time, forging careers and relationships, he remained stuck in a perpetual loop of attending midnight showings and shadowcast productions. Cut off from the linear progression of pop culture, Simpkins has remained entrenched in a time where fishnet leggings…

PHILADELPHIA – Coworkers were shocked to discover Friday that eating KFC chicken for lunch alone at his desk was somehow not the most crushingly depressing part of Thomas Rhodes’ day. Though he ate six drumsticks and never once used a napkin or washed his hands before returning to his computer, it ranked far from being the most hopeless element of the workday for Rhodes. Earlier in the morning, Rhodes endured a demoralizing phone call from his daughter in which she told him she’d rather have her stepdad Ron take her trick-or-treating this year because “he’s cool.” And in disclosing his evening…

PITTSBURGH – After changing out of his work clothes, putting a frozen pizza in the oven and turning on his PlayStation 4 and television, Tom Baily was delighted to find that Netflix was having yet another Cheers marathon last Tuesday, starting at about 5:43 p.m. EST. “What a treat!” Baily told reporters. “I get home from a long day at the office and just want to veg out. What do you know?! Netflix throws on another marathon of Cheers, my current favorite ’80s sitcom!” Baily first acquired Netflix when his son, Brandon, went to college in 2008. Baily says his son…

SEATTLE – During a meeting with executive board members Tuesday to discuss 2016 budget plans, Southern Trinity Hospital CEO Dayton Moore introduced a new strategy to replace all human resources staff with automated Downsizatrons. According to sources in attendance, Moore described the decision as both obvious and necessary, and said there is truly no way to justify continuing to pay human salaries when a robot could be just as capable, heartless and cold. “It’s not hard to cut medical plans, drastically reduce other benefits, fire family breadwinners and guard the supply cabinet,” Moore said. “There is no reason to continue having a staff…

OKLAHOMA CITY – Despite early predictions, a rock-hard boner tragically went unused late Monday night. Baffling locals, the waste of the good, hard rod comes as no surprise to researchers of national chubby trends. A recent report by the John Hopkins Center for Stiffy Studies found that 98% of the U.S. hard-on supply is lost each year, mainly from consumer waste. The findings, first published in the November issue of The Boner Journal, come as woody waste has been the spotlight of concerns about an overall decrease in national good-time levels. Boner supplies have remained steady for decades, but with the introduction of easy-access entertainment like…

SINGAPORE – Saying he was “just trying to get a jump on Columbus Day deals,” Flint, Michigan resident Martin Cranley unexpectedly found himself wandering the labyrinthine streets of Singapore by 12:17 p.m., eastern standard time. “I really don’t know how it happened,” Cranley said, visibly shaken. “I hit up Best Buy and a couple department stores but then before I knew it I was avoiding a stream of traffic and getting shouted at in Mandarin.” “I just wanted a new TV, you know?” How exactly the man traveled over 9,000 miles in less than an hour and a half is unknown. Scientists…

U.S. markets soared this morning, bolstered mostly by impressive gains in the National Tragedy sector. Outperforming even the most optimistic analyst predictions, the stunning growth in the industry seems to stem from the steady increase of tragedies that have befallen the country over the past few years. “The rate of these heartbreaking events has been on an upward trajectory for the past 22 months,” said economist Joyce Denison. “Every other day now we have a new terrible story unfolding and being added to our nation’s output. It really is the driving force of our country.” The domestic production of misery…