Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

HEAVEN – Saying he feels “pretty torn up about the whole thing,” God admitted today that Thanksgiving “bums him out” each year due to his part in the holiday’s mass slaughtering of turkeys. “Look, I know it’s a festival of togetherness,” God said. “And of course there’s going to be a feast, but 46 million killed a year for one day – and that’s just in the United States – I…I can’t just wash my hands of it.” Pressed for details about why he feels so responsible, God said turkeys’ “flightlessness,” “plump, inviting size,” and “Goddamn deliciousness” made them irresistible…

SEATTLE – With no meaningful connections in town and lacking travel arrangements to fly home, 31-year-old Sean Karper has decided to spend Thanksgiving alone in his one-bedroom apartment this year, and he is 100 percent okay with that. “It really worked out for the best,” Karper said after a deep sigh. “Andrea breaking up with me means I don’t have to spend the day listening to her parents argue about their vacation property while Steely Dan plays in the background. And since there are no flights left to get to Newport, I’ll end up saving money by not making the trip.”…

CLINTON, Iowa – Scoffing again at the foliage-themed Evite.com invitation, Nick Reineck found himself in the spirit of the season as he gave thanks for having the wisdom to not attend Alison Brendt’s annual Friendsgiving party. Rolling his eyes as he pictured the artisanal cranberry sauce and lovingly prepared tofurky, Reineck shoveled another handful of dry Froot Loops into his mouth. “I can picture those chumps now,” chuckled Reineck. “Trapped at the table listening to Julie rant on about how much she loves her friends.” “And I can practically hear Chad making some stupid Tindr joke. ‘I’d swipe right at this dinner!’ I…

SAUGERTIES, N.Y. – Traveling from his current residence in Manhattan to his hometown of Saugerties for the Thanksgiving weekend, Brandon O’Dowd plans to resort to his old favorite hide-and-seek spots for some respite from his Uncle Daryl’s bigoted philosophies. It has been reported that the back of the coat closet is still incredibly secluded and relatively spacious, and it provides ample sound isolation from Daryl’s ideas about how to take down ISIS. However, the spot on the other side of the bookshelf can no longer conceal a full-grown adult, and it leaves O’Dowd susceptible to his uncle’s plans for where…

GOSHEN, Ind. – Speculation is swirling over what a local baby could be so sad about. Crying loudly for over 40 minutes straight, sources report that the baby could be depressed over almost anything, with guesses ranging wildly from a bad review at work to a recent viewing of The Notebook. One source close to the baby guessed it may have just been a while since the baby went ahead and had a good cry. “I know if I go too long without letting a few tears drop, I become pretty emotional myself,” the source added. “Could be that the baby…

MINNEAPOLIS – Though they are aware of the lax international diamond trade regulations, and the human rights violations surely committed to produce their engagement ring, local couple Mike Barrett and Karen Schreiber had to concede the ring was “still just gorgeous.” “Oh yeah, look at that color,” Schreiber said. “It draws your eye right to it.” While the couple conducted extensive research on the blood diamond trade, and even considered opting for a nontraditional gemstone in place of a diamond, ultimately the sales rep at Kay Jewelers convinced them of their purchase with a whispered, “Everybody does it.” “I’m sure a…

WILMINGTON, N.C. – Local arachnid and all-around chilled-out guy Aaron Diadentus reportedly wants to just kick back and enjoy a cool wave, according to several residents of the house down the street with the giant porch. “I’m just trying to groove on it, Daddy-o,” Diadentus said. “No need to rock the boat! Like they always say, ‘Don’t drink and drive – you might spill your drink!’” Residents of the massively porched house aren’t convinced. “You’ll be sitting around, watching the grass grow, enjoying a beautiful fall evening out on the porch, and then out of nowhere, there’s Aaron…clinging…lingering…” said one resident,…

After rumors spread that Disney would be doing away with the iconic “Slave Leia” outfit, nerds across the country have slowly been coming to terms with the idea of having to jerk off more frequently to alien singer Sy Snootles. Despite being the lead singer of the Max Rebo Band, Sy has always been in the shadow of the flashier Slave Leia in terms of Star Wars-related spank fuel. But as the nation’s geeks deal with the thought of losing their preferred choice for stain-making, many have already come to the realization that they may have no recourse but to settle…

WASHINGTON – That homeless man is definitely just sleeping and not dead, locals confirmed to themselves Thursday evening as they stepped over him. Dozens of patrons of the Cleveland Park CVS reported spotting the totally alive man outside the store, dozing peacefully, wrapped in what is likely an ironically distressed afghan from World Market. “From the looks of it, he’s having an amazing life,” CVS assistant manager Omar Andews said. “With the CVS fliers and empty King Cobra bottles, I’m guessing he was just cruising the ads – buy one, get one half-off on Abreva, by the way – and getting…