Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

PITTSBURGH – Citing the early 20th century avant-garde art movement known as cubism as a source of inspiration, local sandwich artist and Subway employee Jamie Scott says he’s been fascinated with the idea of breaking a sandwich apart, analyzing it and reassembling it in abstract form since he started at the submarine sandwich shop three months ago. “I’d have to say I mostly draw from the work of (Georges) Braque, (Pablo) Picasso, and Emily (Harrell), the assistant manager that trained me,” Scott said. The unlikely sandwich shop-turned-interactive art experience is located on the intersection of Route 44 and Auburn Road, in the back…

NEW YORK – Dr. Wesley Dunnes, a neurosurgeon at Mount Sinai Hospital, done goofed big Tuesday during the routine implantation of a neurostimulator to treat symptoms associated with Parkinson’s disease. The goofball surgeon mistakenly placed the stimulator lead in the patient’s ventrointermediate nucleus instead of the globus pallidus internus. The wackadoo mixup is expected to cost the hospital $5 million in malpractice suits and extend the recovery time of the patient by three years. “Wowy zowy,” said the kook of a surgeon after realizing his mistake. “Well, I suppose it ain’t my first goof, and it sure ain’t gonna be my last.”

COLUMBUS, Ohio – Admitting he’s been teased about it all his life, local man Scott Huffman is a regular Frankenstein’s monster when it comes to his irrational fear of fire. “I know it’s something I should get over and just grow out of like everyone else,” Huffman said. “But there’s something about the thought of being engulfed in flames that just gives me the heebie-jeebies.” Friends have repeatedly tried to make Huffman face his fear, but so far with little success. “We’ve thrown lit matches at him, pushed him towards campfires, even locked him in that burning toolshed for a half hour,”…

CHICAGO – Whether it’s popping up some popcorn or warming leftovers, a small kitchen microwave says it loves to be opened a few seconds before its timer goes off. “I guess I just like the attention,” the microwave said. “But it’s nice to know that someone cares enough to keep track of what I’m up to. It gives me a nice warm feeling inside every time.” The microwave also added that it liked not having to nag anyone with a bunch of beeping.

MARS – For the third straight month, interest rates at the First Bank of Mars have seen a full percentage point of growth. Lack of confidence in the faltering water market is speculated to be a major factor. “We really put a lot of faith in the discovery of more water,” bank official James Dale remarked. “The outlook was very promising, but in reality there just wasn’t anything there. I don’t want to point fingers, but where do you think NASA keeps its money? It certainly isn’t on Mars with us.” Citizens of Mars Colony B-6, the largest colony on the…

ZORGON-3 – Soaring far above the endless blue skies of Zorgon-3, locked in an endless and graceful orbital dance, flies Star Base Rythor X, the largest and most complex orbital office park ever dared to be dreamt by man*. But all is not well in the Star Base. Accountants across the galaxy have been struggling with new space tax write-off requirements, but perhaps none so much as those circling the pristine world of Zorgon-3, where nature conservancy laws prohibit flights in or out of the planet. With access to the planet’s surface through traditional means extremely limited, transporters have become the only…

HILL VALLEY, Calif. – According to eyewitness reports from local residents, an unidentified flying object was seen appearing and disappearing in the sky at different periods Wednesday, each time followed by what one witness called “fire trails.” “That thing was fast, too,” said local dealership owner Goldie Wilson III. “Had to be going 80, 90 miles an hour.” Described as metallic and rectangular in shape, the object reportedly featured unusual, blue glowing lights and several jutting, undetermined mechanical parts. Local lore indicates it could be the same vehicle claimed to have been seen throughout Hill Valley’s history, with sightings ranging…

61-year-old toll booth operator Richard Simpkins was found yesterday stuck inside a time warp of his own making, caused by his inability to move past his obsession with The Rocky Horror Picture Show. “I remember when I was 21 and it first came out,” Simpkins said. “Doing ‘The Time Warp’ changed my life.” As everyone else in Simpkins’ life moved forward in time, forging careers and relationships, he remained stuck in a perpetual loop of attending midnight showings and shadowcast productions. Cut off from the linear progression of pop culture, Simpkins has remained entrenched in a time where fishnet leggings…

PHILADELPHIA – Coworkers were shocked to discover Friday that eating KFC chicken for lunch alone at his desk was somehow not the most crushingly depressing part of Thomas Rhodes’ day. Though he ate six drumsticks and never once used a napkin or washed his hands before returning to his computer, it ranked far from being the most hopeless element of the workday for Rhodes. Earlier in the morning, Rhodes endured a demoralizing phone call from his daughter in which she told him she’d rather have her stepdad Ron take her trick-or-treating this year because “he’s cool.” And in disclosing his evening…