Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

61-year-old toll booth operator Richard Simpkins was found yesterday stuck inside a time warp of his own making, caused by his inability to move past his obsession with The Rocky Horror Picture Show. “I remember when I was 21 and it first came out,” Simpkins said. “Doing ‘The Time Warp’ changed my life.” As everyone else in Simpkins’ life moved forward in time, forging careers and relationships, he remained stuck in a perpetual loop of attending midnight showings and shadowcast productions. Cut off from the linear progression of pop culture, Simpkins has remained entrenched in a time where fishnet leggings…

PHILADELPHIA – Coworkers were shocked to discover Friday that eating KFC chicken for lunch alone at his desk was somehow not the most crushingly depressing part of Thomas Rhodes’ day. Though he ate six drumsticks and never once used a napkin or washed his hands before returning to his computer, it ranked far from being the most hopeless element of the workday for Rhodes. Earlier in the morning, Rhodes endured a demoralizing phone call from his daughter in which she told him she’d rather have her stepdad Ron take her trick-or-treating this year because “he’s cool.” And in disclosing his evening…

PITTSBURGH – After changing out of his work clothes, putting a frozen pizza in the oven and turning on his PlayStation 4 and television, Tom Baily was delighted to find that Netflix was having yet another Cheers marathon last Tuesday, starting at about 5:43 p.m. EST. “What a treat!” Baily told reporters. “I get home from a long day at the office and just want to veg out. What do you know?! Netflix throws on another marathon of Cheers, my current favorite ’80s sitcom!” Baily first acquired Netflix when his son, Brandon, went to college in 2008. Baily says his son…

SEATTLE – During a meeting with executive board members Tuesday to discuss 2016 budget plans, Southern Trinity Hospital CEO Dayton Moore introduced a new strategy to replace all human resources staff with automated Downsizatrons. According to sources in attendance, Moore described the decision as both obvious and necessary, and said there is truly no way to justify continuing to pay human salaries when a robot could be just as capable, heartless and cold. “It’s not hard to cut medical plans, drastically reduce other benefits, fire family breadwinners and guard the supply cabinet,” Moore said. “There is no reason to continue having a staff…

OKLAHOMA CITY – Despite early predictions, a rock-hard boner tragically went unused late Monday night. Baffling locals, the waste of the good, hard rod comes as no surprise to researchers of national chubby trends. A recent report by the John Hopkins Center for Stiffy Studies found that 98% of the U.S. hard-on supply is lost each year, mainly from consumer waste. The findings, first published in the November issue of The Boner Journal, come as woody waste has been the spotlight of concerns about an overall decrease in national good-time levels. Boner supplies have remained steady for decades, but with the introduction of easy-access entertainment like…

SINGAPORE – Saying he was “just trying to get a jump on Columbus Day deals,” Flint, Michigan resident Martin Cranley unexpectedly found himself wandering the labyrinthine streets of Singapore by 12:17 p.m., eastern standard time. “I really don’t know how it happened,” Cranley said, visibly shaken. “I hit up Best Buy and a couple department stores but then before I knew it I was avoiding a stream of traffic and getting shouted at in Mandarin.” “I just wanted a new TV, you know?” How exactly the man traveled over 9,000 miles in less than an hour and a half is unknown. Scientists…

U.S. markets soared this morning, bolstered mostly by impressive gains in the National Tragedy sector. Outperforming even the most optimistic analyst predictions, the stunning growth in the industry seems to stem from the steady increase of tragedies that have befallen the country over the past few years. “The rate of these heartbreaking events has been on an upward trajectory for the past 22 months,” said economist Joyce Denison. “Every other day now we have a new terrible story unfolding and being added to our nation’s output. It really is the driving force of our country.” The domestic production of misery…

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. – John Cadwell, a senior at Indiana University, sat stunned in the hallway outside his classroom with 17 other students. “I never thought my life could change so quickly,” Cadwell said. “But after the incident, I’ll never be the same. She took everything from me.” Cadwell was referring to professor June Beckley, who advised the class with a trigger warning the victims say was designed to destroy, not enhance, students’ critical thinking skills. According to sources, at 1:45 p.m. the aforementioned students lost all knowledge acquired after 2002. Community members are blaming Professor Beckley for this complete loss of…

BREAKING NEWS: Confirming reports initially leaked late last night, NASA has stated that the famed “face on Mars” has been consuming every Mars probe sent to the planet since 1971. “The time for transparency is now,” NASA administrator Charles Bolden stated. “There were suspicions since Mars 2 and we were finally able to confirm with Sojourner in 1997. So we’ve been sitting on this a while, but let it be known: The face on Mars is an insatiable spacebeast.” Though all seven rovers sent to the Martian surface have been devoured by the face on Mars, NASA has stated the exact…