Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. – John Cadwell, a senior at Indiana University, sat stunned in the hallway outside his classroom with 17 other students. “I never thought my life could change so quickly,” Cadwell said. “But after the incident, I’ll never be the same. She took everything from me.” Cadwell was referring to professor June Beckley, who advised the class with a trigger warning the victims say was designed to destroy, not enhance, students’ critical thinking skills. According to sources, at 1:45 p.m. the aforementioned students lost all knowledge acquired after 2002. Community members are blaming Professor Beckley for this complete loss of…

BREAKING NEWS: Confirming reports initially leaked late last night, NASA has stated that the famed “face on Mars” has been consuming every Mars probe sent to the planet since 1971. “The time for transparency is now,” NASA administrator Charles Bolden stated. “There were suspicions since Mars 2 and we were finally able to confirm with Sojourner in 1997. So we’ve been sitting on this a while, but let it be known: The face on Mars is an insatiable spacebeast.” Though all seven rovers sent to the Martian surface have been devoured by the face on Mars, NASA has stated the exact…

ST. LOUIS – Citing historical examples, such as his dad’s desire to restore a ’67 Chevy, his sister’s novel that never seems to be finished, and his best friend’s untaken bar exam, among many others, local man Jake Ridges has learned something over his 37 years of life – don’t bother dreaming big. “I know that this lifetime is all we have, so I’m sure as hell not going to waste it on dreams, hopes or aspirations,” Ridges said. “A meager lifestyle is all I need to scratch out for myself, and my fantasy football league keeps me busy on the…

Record-low prices in crude oil and continuing layoffs in the sector have many oil workers concerned about the future of the industry. But it’s not all doom and gloom for oil workers, as some optimistic employees have found a silver lining in the low oil prices. Sloppy rig operators and lazy tanker captains across the world have been celebrating a heyday in low-cost oil spills. “With oil prices this low, the cost to the company for deep-water oil spills has gone down to practically nothing,” said Adrian Maynard, a rig operator for Exxon. “With this little to lose, I can be as sloppy…

CHICAGO – Excited at the prospect of watching a real-life season of The Office play out in her workplace, Monica Fuller – an employee of The Yorkshire Firm – came to the crushing realization today that the budding office romance of her two coworkers lacked all the drama and humor of the workplace romances she had seen on TV. “Ed [Johnson] and Fran [Pugh] started dating about a year ago, and it was the hottest gossip our office had seen since the marketing department got laid off in ’06,” Fuller said. “Personally, I thought Ed was a little too attractive and outgoing for Fran,…