Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WILMINGTON, N.C. – Local arachnid and all-around chilled-out guy Aaron Diadentus reportedly wants to just kick back and enjoy a cool wave, according to several residents of the house down the street with the giant porch. “I’m just trying to groove on it, Daddy-o,” Diadentus said. “No need to rock the boat! Like they always say, ‘Don’t drink and drive – you might spill your drink!’” Residents of the massively porched house aren’t convinced. “You’ll be sitting around, watching the grass grow, enjoying a beautiful fall evening out on the porch, and then out of nowhere, there’s Aaron…clinging…lingering…” said one resident,…

After rumors spread that Disney would be doing away with the iconic “Slave Leia” outfit, nerds across the country have slowly been coming to terms with the idea of having to jerk off more frequently to alien singer Sy Snootles. Despite being the lead singer of the Max Rebo Band, Sy has always been in the shadow of the flashier Slave Leia in terms of Star Wars-related spank fuel. But as the nation’s geeks deal with the thought of losing their preferred choice for stain-making, many have already come to the realization that they may have no recourse but to settle…

WASHINGTON – That homeless man is definitely just sleeping and not dead, locals confirmed to themselves Thursday evening as they stepped over him. Dozens of patrons of the Cleveland Park CVS reported spotting the totally alive man outside the store, dozing peacefully, wrapped in what is likely an ironically distressed afghan from World Market. “From the looks of it, he’s having an amazing life,” CVS assistant manager Omar Andews said. “With the CVS fliers and empty King Cobra bottles, I’m guessing he was just cruising the ads – buy one, get one half-off on Abreva, by the way – and getting…

PITTSBURGH – Citing the early 20th century avant-garde art movement known as cubism as a source of inspiration, local sandwich artist and Subway employee Jamie Scott says he’s been fascinated with the idea of breaking a sandwich apart, analyzing it and reassembling it in abstract form since he started at the submarine sandwich shop three months ago. “I’d have to say I mostly draw from the work of (Georges) Braque, (Pablo) Picasso, and Emily (Harrell), the assistant manager that trained me,” Scott said. The unlikely sandwich shop-turned-interactive art experience is located on the intersection of Route 44 and Auburn Road, in the back…

NEW YORK – Dr. Wesley Dunnes, a neurosurgeon at Mount Sinai Hospital, done goofed big Tuesday during the routine implantation of a neurostimulator to treat symptoms associated with Parkinson’s disease. The goofball surgeon mistakenly placed the stimulator lead in the patient’s ventrointermediate nucleus instead of the globus pallidus internus. The wackadoo mixup is expected to cost the hospital $5 million in malpractice suits and extend the recovery time of the patient by three years. “Wowy zowy,” said the kook of a surgeon after realizing his mistake. “Well, I suppose it ain’t my first goof, and it sure ain’t gonna be my last.”

COLUMBUS, Ohio – Admitting he’s been teased about it all his life, local man Scott Huffman is a regular Frankenstein’s monster when it comes to his irrational fear of fire. “I know it’s something I should get over and just grow out of like everyone else,” Huffman said. “But there’s something about the thought of being engulfed in flames that just gives me the heebie-jeebies.” Friends have repeatedly tried to make Huffman face his fear, but so far with little success. “We’ve thrown lit matches at him, pushed him towards campfires, even locked him in that burning toolshed for a half hour,”…

CHICAGO – Whether it’s popping up some popcorn or warming leftovers, a small kitchen microwave says it loves to be opened a few seconds before its timer goes off. “I guess I just like the attention,” the microwave said. “But it’s nice to know that someone cares enough to keep track of what I’m up to. It gives me a nice warm feeling inside every time.” The microwave also added that it liked not having to nag anyone with a bunch of beeping.

MARS – For the third straight month, interest rates at the First Bank of Mars have seen a full percentage point of growth. Lack of confidence in the faltering water market is speculated to be a major factor. “We really put a lot of faith in the discovery of more water,” bank official James Dale remarked. “The outlook was very promising, but in reality there just wasn’t anything there. I don’t want to point fingers, but where do you think NASA keeps its money? It certainly isn’t on Mars with us.” Citizens of Mars Colony B-6, the largest colony on the…

ZORGON-3 – Soaring far above the endless blue skies of Zorgon-3, locked in an endless and graceful orbital dance, flies Star Base Rythor X, the largest and most complex orbital office park ever dared to be dreamt by man*. But all is not well in the Star Base. Accountants across the galaxy have been struggling with new space tax write-off requirements, but perhaps none so much as those circling the pristine world of Zorgon-3, where nature conservancy laws prohibit flights in or out of the planet. With access to the planet’s surface through traditional means extremely limited, transporters have become the only…