Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

ST. LOUIS – Citing historical examples, such as his dad’s desire to restore a ’67 Chevy, his sister’s novel that never seems to be finished, and his best friend’s untaken bar exam, among many others, local man Jake Ridges has learned something over his 37 years of life – don’t bother dreaming big. “I know that this lifetime is all we have, so I’m sure as hell not going to waste it on dreams, hopes or aspirations,” Ridges said. “A meager lifestyle is all I need to scratch out for myself, and my fantasy football league keeps me busy on the…

Record-low prices in crude oil and continuing layoffs in the sector have many oil workers concerned about the future of the industry. But it’s not all doom and gloom for oil workers, as some optimistic employees have found a silver lining in the low oil prices. Sloppy rig operators and lazy tanker captains across the world have been celebrating a heyday in low-cost oil spills. “With oil prices this low, the cost to the company for deep-water oil spills has gone down to practically nothing,” said Adrian Maynard, a rig operator for Exxon. “With this little to lose, I can be as sloppy…

CHICAGO – Excited at the prospect of watching a real-life season of The Office play out in her workplace, Monica Fuller – an employee of The Yorkshire Firm – came to the crushing realization today that the budding office romance of her two coworkers lacked all the drama and humor of the workplace romances she had seen on TV. “Ed [Johnson] and Fran [Pugh] started dating about a year ago, and it was the hottest gossip our office had seen since the marketing department got laid off in ’06,” Fuller said. “Personally, I thought Ed was a little too attractive and outgoing for Fran,…

CINCINNATI – Saying he “wants to take the medium as far as it can go,” local bathroom graffiti artist Brian Emerson unveiled his newest pieces Thursday, all variations on the Nazi swastika, in men’s rooms across the county. Prior to his new artistic direction, Emerson had attained regional fame through his use of mixed media – incorporating images along with text to create thought-provoking and challenging pieces. His particularly revered works include Stickman Taking a Shit, Liberals Can Eat a Dick, Two Chicks Totally Going at It, Your [sic] All Dumbfucks, and perhaps his most famous piece, Queer. “I really hit a turning…

CHICAGO – United Airlines mourned the loss of one of its most prominent gremlins Tuesday. Grzlock the Eldest & Merciless, a yellow and green plane-gremlin known as “Jerry” by airline staff, first joined the airline in 1970. During his tenure on the staff he provided in-flight mechanical services for more than 10,000 commercial flights, developed groundbreaking new techniques in wing upkeep on the Boeing 707, and subdued more than 1,300 troublesome passengers. One of the highlights of Jerry’s career happened on April 14, 2009, when he dragged a highly bothersome passenger through the airplane’s toilet and feasted on his skin in the luggage compartment. Tragically, Jerry…

MAYFIELD VILLAGE, Ohio – Progressive Insurance is moving on from its famous salesperson mascot Flo, but not without the help of the company’s loyal customers and fans. With the sponsored campaign #HowShouldFloDie, Progressive will allow fans to decide how Flo will meet her demise. “Like our world-renowned Name Your Price® tool, which allows customers to find the perfect insurance package for their budget, we’re giving them the power to choose Flo’s death,” said Jeff Charney, Chief Marketing Officer at Progressive. “We believe this will open us up to a brand-new avenue of fan connectivity and value-based interaction.” Fans simply have…