Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

Source: Noah Salzman OAKLAND – Newly obtained intimate video of Steph Curry and his wife Ayesha clearly shows that the basketball superstar impregnated his wife from 28 feet away. “You can see Curry came off a down screen set by the bedroom chair, curled around a throw pillow, then squared his shoulders, set his feet, and fired,” said ESPN basketball analyst Tim Legler. “The arc and spin of Curry’s ‘man juice’ is clearly visible and a thing of beauty.” After a few seconds Ayesha can be heard off-camera saying, “Swish!” The two-time NBA Most Valuable Player (with mouthpiece hanging outside…

DES MOINES, Iowa – FBI Cyber Crimes officials apprehended local computer hacker Christopher Ostrander on charges of computer tampering in the first degree Monday morning. Ostrander is accused of being behind the recent Marriott data breach, exposing millions of customers’ personal data and information. The Des Moines Police Department also reports Ostrander is being charged with one count of indecent exposure at Crossroads Mall in nearby Plovis Township. Ostrander was charged in 2008 with hacking into Wells Fargo’s servers and spent four years in prison after accepting a plea deal. He was also arrested earlier in 2008 for a string…

LOS ANGELES – Actor Tom Hanks gave a young child the shock of his life Friday, as the Toy Story 4 star flashed the boy his giant smile right in the middle of a Hollywood street. “Our family is in town visiting and we were walking down the Sunset Strip,” said Sandra Blalock, whose son Randy was flashed by Hanks. “I turned away for one second and all I heard was my son scream.” Onlookers reported seeing Hanks approach the boy, bend down, and flash him his huge grin before tousling his hair and escaping down the street before his…

FUKUOKA, Japan – Top Japanese scientists released information today on a groundbreaking new gene-splicing procedure that could offer life-changing therapy for Japanese sex organs. Scientists believe the new procedure could cure the genetic predisposition for blurry, pixelated or, in more severe cases, mosaic genitals. “We have found a way to isolate a single mutation in a DNA strand and eliminate it,” Dr. Akari Watanabe said. “This gives us the unique ability to correct conditions and deformities not typically found in human beings.” Watanabe also notes that this process is less than perfect and in some cases the wrong portion of…

Source: Lucasfilm THE CRAIT SYSTEM – Many budding sociopaths have been known to torture or abuse animals at a young age, but what happens when womp rats are no longer enough for a small boy on the desert planet of Tatooine? A shocking discovery occurred this week when Resistance protocol droid C-3PO lost a finger due to a malfunctioning pneumatic door. “I was about to send him to the droid repair bay as usual,” Deck Officer Tamizander said. “Then I noticed some red fluid around the nub. I mean, it was unmistakably blood. So I ended up sending him to…

ELLENTON, Fla. – Audience members were finally dealt a bit of relief Monday afternoon as Ringling Bros. head ringmaster Patrick Hildegarde finally addressed the elephant in the room after an hour and twenty minutes of beating around the bush. “It was really uncomfortable for everybody in the big top. The elephant was clearly there but neither the ringleader nor anybody in the audience was addressing it. They even went as far as bringing the clowns out just to make small talk about the weather,” said circus attendee Mike Howell. “You could cut the tension with a knife.” Hildegarde says things…

EUGENE, Ore. – TSA officials at Eugene Airport are used to dealing with boisterous travelers that want to bring an animal on a plane. But they aren’t used to what happened last Friday. “A guy wanted to bring his chainsaw on the flight,” TSA senior official Ray Montague said. “We’ve had all manner of animals that travelers have claimed to be emotional support animals. But this is a new one.” The passenger in question, Guy LaFavre, is a logger by trade and considers the chainsaw no mere tool. “The MS 311 Stihl chainsaw has been by my side for many…

WASHINGTON – Following the presidential bids declared by Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, and Cory Booker in recent weeks, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders announced his intention to run for his life. “What I believe… is the American people want a strong… progressive candidate to stand up to… Donald Trump in 2020,” Senator Sanders said, gasping for air. “And I am of the opinion… that my candidacy will lead to me being… executed in a Midwestern public square.” At press time, Sanders’ hand was seen emerging from a dogpile, still clutching a “2020 Vision” political button.

HOUSTON – Left with nothing but time to think after being furloughed due to the government shutdown, NASA employees in contact with the International Space Station are hoping the astronauts ended up figuring out that hull breach. “It happened right before the government shut down,” said Mission Control analyst David Barnett. “You know how when you’re taking a test in school and time’s up and the teacher says, ‘Pencils down?’ It was just like that.” “We were told to just immediately get up and leave the room.” With the radio link to the ISS still working, exiting staffers at Mission Control…

OXFORD, England – In a massive push for equality, Oxford University has announced that their very popular Women’s Studies class will now be a study of both historical men and women. Starting next semester, the class, which has always been narrowly focused on teaching about important women throughout history, will broaden its horizons to teach about important men from history as well. Dr. Pete Singer, one of the professors in charge of the new curriculum, said they have not come up with an appropriate title for the new class yet. “Well, before it was just women, so the title made sense,”…